Wives, after you got caught cheating on your husband?

Question

How much of the truth did you tell him?
I caught my wife having what I interpreted as an emotional affair of sorts. All she said they did was kiss on two occasions. But, of course I fear or have a suspicion there was something else. How honest were you?

Women only please, no offense guys; but we really can't speak for them.

It matters, because I can deal with a kiss or two and the emotions. It will be difficult, but I think I can. Further than that would be taking it to far and not worth saving the relationship.

This was over two months time. It might make a difference. I also have no proof of them meeting outside of work. When I became suspicious, I started to document a timeline. Nothing out of the ordinary, except her demeanor and actions towards me.

She was caught by e-mail. No evidence there either of them meeting outside of work or sexual contact.

Answer 1

I didn't have an affair myself, but went through this with my Husband seven years ago and have been a member of a support group for years for affair recovery.

Most all wayward spouses deny, deny, deny! Can't say what the case is for your wife. Don't kid yourself that they needed to meet outside work hours, as many an affair can take place during that time frame. If she feels like you will end everything if you hear of anything physical, then she has lots of motive to never tell you if they did cross the line further. I always thought that would be a deal breaker also, but it's NOT that simple.

Take your time, you don't have to make a quick decision. Things can be so emotional right after a discovery like this, just take it one day at a time for awhile.

An emotional affair can be more damaging to the marriages than just a physical one in many cases. Hopefully, you caught in early and she saw the damage her fantasy behavior cased.

Trust will have to be rebuild, that will take time. It will help if your wife agrees to stop all contact with this other man. Even consider getting a different job if she works with him. At least stop all personal contact, no more friendship, as they already crossed that line.

As for myself, my H tried to cover up as much as he could, even in the face of major evidence. It took a month for me to figure out that a 'business' trip was a vacation for him with the other woman! I could have easily kicked him out for good, but found that when finally faced with the hard reality, it was a very complex situation. It was months before most of the truth was finally out.

The first step to rebuilding is for her to commit to the marriage, end all contact with the other person and be open and accountable to help rebuild trust.

Look into finding a counselor who is certified in couples counseling. This kind if thing is really hard on a relationship.

Some really good books:

"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr.W. Harley

"After the Affair" by Springs

A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few other helpful sites:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/

http://marriagebuilders.com/

http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/

http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Some good support forums.

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Answer 2

Of course there was more than a kiss. No one jeopardizes a marriage and a family for a peck on the lips.

She got caught, so all she's got is to deny it all and downplay the situation so her bills will continue to be paid for and she can have a roof over her head at your expense. She's not going to be so stupid to confess all the nasty little details so she get thrown on the street.

Remember, is a mistake only when you get caught. If you wouldn't have caught her.. she would still be doing that behind your back,,,, can you handle that?

In my opinion, once a cheater, always a cheater. If she cannot be trusted and if you feel that she's not being completly truthful with her confession, then you will be tortured by doubt, jealosy and paranoia.

Good luck

Answer 3

I got caught but then I didn't hide it well. And I ended my marriage within 6 weeks of my meeting someone else., Women tend to have exit affairs and so they may leave their husbands without him ever knowing about the affair. Men tend to have affairs to cope with a less than ideal marriage. So the affair lasts longer and has more of a chance of being discovered. I do think women are more suspicious, less secure in a relationship. I think that maybe the result of media attention on "cheating men" which gets carried over to "all" men. Even if that is not the case. I think in some cases a man's ego refuses to let them believe their wife would cheat. Maybe more so than it being a matter of trust. It has been 5 years and my married man is extremely discreet, he has told very few people and does not boast about our relationship.

Answer 4

You have to decide is she worth it. No one ever tells the whole truth and nuthin but the truth you lie, i lie, we all lie. But it becomes more when you can't live with it. If you love her you have to treat this as another hump to get over. Can you live with her cheating is she worth it? No one can answer these questions but you. i can say screw her but i won't be there to warm your pillow tomorrow and I don't know how u take your coffee or where exactly to scratch that annoying back itch. Are u willing to give up your marriage your wife on a what if? and why did she say she did it? Did you look at yourself as well? don't beat yourself up with particulars do you want to have visions of your wife and someone else in your head because you asked fifty questions. The true question is now what? stay married and as some one mentioned fight for your wife or call a lawyer?

Answer 5

It doesn't matter. What matters is what you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. I know cheating is a blow, whether it was physical or emotional. This is your marriage! You can do one of two things: Fight for your wife. Win her back. Talk to her and ask her if she is willing to make things right again. Give her time to think and don't try to persuade her in any way. OR you can walk away. And if you think she's going to fess up and tell you everything, you're thinking wrong. Unless, of course, she really wants to hurt you. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Here is the deal! You will never know the truth. You will always have doubts--always!
So now you have to ask yourself the real question. Can I live with her and all these doubts or not? Its a yes or no answer. You must decide. Then you either stay with her which means forgiving her and forever keeping your mouth shut about this because you are the one who decided to stay so take your medicine and deal with it. Or you leave her because you can't live with the doubts and get on with your life with someone whom you can trust!

Answer 7

I have never done this and anyone who would is worthless...Lose her...Dont abuse or ostracise her. If you have kids you may care for her and provide but you have so many emotional probs if u stay w/ someone that cheats cheating should not even occur in the mind of a married partner let alone in the physical...If they had the balls they would have f**d and they may as well have regardless of what happened or what your told.

Answer 8

there were times that i lied, little white lies when i knew i was wrong and it would hurt his feelings... like i told him i don't find his brothers or any other men attractive even if i thought they were attractive lol

but when he caught me chatting with a former flame, i didnt lie because i knew there was nothing fishy going on and he was only telling me about his new job and he knew i was married, and i have stressed that im happily married and love my hubby to death...more on an old aquaintance chit-chat..so thats the thing i didnt lie about, when i knew i aint guilty in the first place....

so i guess its a case to case basis and depending on the situation or if she had a history of lying..

Answer 9

You'll only know about 10% of the truth. I should know. I was cheated on.

Answer 10

God man...that really hurts. I'd be so heart broken...like the person that you're with...you hold them to a higher standard than the rest of the people that you deal with.

I don't know really the answer to your question...but has she shown any remorse? "only kissing"...how would she like if you "only kissed" someone else? I think you need to get out.