How do I show affection to my husband and enjoy it?

Question

I don't know why I can't enjoy the simple things anymore, but he is screaming for more attention! I'm trying to kiss him more and sit closer to him on the couch when we lounge after work but I just don't know what else to do! I don't have anything to talk about with him and I haven't been enjoying making out or sex much. All I can think of is to start conditioning myself to like the things he does! How do I handle this?

Notes:
- I have been very depressed lately and unmotivated to do anything.
- He's been moody too, snapping for no apparent reason.
- We're somewhat newlyweds (May 31, 2007)

And for clarification, I am seeking treatment for my ongoing depression. I have used anti-depressants in the past but am leaving them strictly as a last resort option now.

Yes, we are VERY tired of routine. I go to school in the morning and drop by the apartment before I leave for work at noon. We get home around 9:30 and really don't feel like doing much. I don't have any hobbies and he does, but none that I can relate to. He plays music, I'm musically challenged and don't like loud music played in the apartment. He writes cartoons, I'm not creative. He sketches, I can't even draw a straight line.

Answer 1

You ARE newlyweds! I mean, this is still honeymooning! How long have you guys been together? Perhaps it's just that you're sick of the routine, day in/day out. Try something different. I went through this as well. Being physically affectionate should come easy and for some women it just doesn't. Don't get your hopes down. Go see a doctor. You may very well be going through a depression. Is there a history of bipolar or depression in your family? Take baby steps to get back where you once were when the two of you first met. Don't blame him for being snappy, he probably feels the rut, too. Start with hugs. Run around the house like crazy teenagers. Snuggle up for a late movie with a hot drink and just be...You're going to be with this person for the rest of your life! Make it joyful! Seek professional help if you really think you have an emotional issue. Depression is no fun, honey!

Answer 2

Oh wow! You're still in the adjusting period. Just try not to get into each other's nerve and be understanding. You're still actually in your honeymoon phase and will be spending your first holidays together as husband and wife. By the way, why have you been depressed lately? Does this concern him or something else. Just remember that even though you may have known him for a long time, it's still going to be different as you are now married. Just always remember your vows and do something special once in a while to bring back some excitement. Also seek a psychologist for your problems and or deppression.

Answer 3

Well, you should have started to "condition" yourself to like the things he likes right away. And as well, he needs to learn some things that you enjoy, so that you BOTH can enjoy them together.

You mentioned doing some things to help, but, are you doing things that HE likes? Have you even communicated and asked him exactly what does he need?

Don't worry about the snapping. You two have for some reason drifted and not feeling close and apart will cause much of that. When you figure out how to get back to being close again, the snapping will all but fade away.

You mentioned that you have nothing to talk with him about. Intresting. Is he mute? Does he NOT talk? As a spouse (man or woman) find out what your spouse likes, get interested, and be a part of his team and part of his likes.

Your depression needs to take a backseat to your marriage. Unfortunately, many types of depression is simply a self-pity tactic for attention. Make sure you're not participaing in any of that.

Get books that help. Men are from Mars/Women from Venus. Incredible helpful resource, big time.

What are things, events and stuff that he likes to do? Find out and do them together. He will eventually want to do things that YOu like to do.

Make it work!

Answer 4

You're not "somewhat" newlyweds-- 6 months into a marriage and you can't stand being with him? Sorry, darling, but if the answer isn't that you didn't think this through then you DO have an issue of your own.

If you didn't like the things he liked before you got married, didn't like hanging around with him or kissing him-- how did you expect to suddenly like this? Was a band of gold going to do this for you?

I think perhaps you put very high expectations on what marriage is. Unlike what people believe in the fairy tales and in the movies, marriage is WORK. So yes, you WILL have to "condition" yourself a little bit. And I suggest you get yourself to a doctor, as you seem to have some depression as well. Talk through these same issues, but don't take any anti-depressants without your doctor's consultation.

"I'm trying to sit closer to him on the couch" indicates that you can't even bear his presence. Really examine what's happening in your own mind and life, and make a go of this marriage. You can do it if you really try to-- but it sounds like you needed a bit of a reality check as to what marriage would bring you-- BEFORE you tied the knot.

Answer 5

First find out why you are depressed and unmotivated. This may be the root of your problem. The lack of sex may be why he is moody and snapping. If you don't have sex with him, his first thought will be what is wrong with me. That is probably where he is now. This can affect all aspects of his life, you, his family, his friends and his work. Let him know that what you are feeling and be sure to let him know it is not him. I hope you two can work together to solve this. If you are newlyweds, you need to get this fixed very soon. If

Answer 6

You have nothing to talk to your husband? Are you serious?
Talk about your day and ask how his day went for starters.

See the doctor about your depression and get some anti-depressants. It's not your fault. A depression is a serious illness and it is genetical, which is causing you to feel this way.

Do you have a job? Keep yourself busy and you won't have time for any negative thoughts.

Answer 7

Part of this could simply be the first year of marriage. I have heard it said sooooo many times that the first year of marriage is the hardest and I totally believe it. My husband and I are going through the exact same thing, we are both in couseling already and it does help. Do what you have to do for YOURSELF first is what I learned, if your happy it helps alot. Go to counseling ASAP and don't be afraid to take medication for depression. There is no shame in depression only shame in not treating it.

Answer 8

You need to make time for eachother to bond!!! First!
Physical love is an expression of the mental! Theres a hole in someones SOUL here or both of you. Reach out into the community for guidance and productive activity. Church...committee meetings. Get involved get distracted then re -relate

Answer 9

Your depression is obviously a huge part of the cause of your disinterest in sex and intimacy. You should address that first, and quickly. There are many anti-depressants on the market that really do help. Don't be afraid to use them. Good luck to you both.

Answer 10

You are feeding off each other in a negative way.
You are depressed, and he is angry. It's becoming a vicious circle, and will only escalate. If you're unable to communicate between you, then PLEASE seek professional help to get to the root of the problem.