I have cheated on my husband and destroyed my family. Can I do ANYTHING to make us stay together?

Question

I went out with friends after work and when they all left, I bumped into this guy. I don't know how I could be so foolish, but 30 min later I am in a hotel room with him.
When I didn't come home my husband called a couple of friends. When he found my car outside the restaurant he filed a missing persons report. The police then went looking for me and eventually found me in the hotel room the next morning. My husband and kids came to the hotel because they thought someone had kidnapped me. When he saw me he hugged me and was crying because he was so worried. When he found out what had really happened, he turned white, and then threw up.
It's been a week now. EVERYONE knows what happened. I am so ashamed of myself I don't even want to open my eyes. I can't look at anyone. My 19 year old son looked straight at me and called me a worthless wh or e. My husband has barely said anything to me.

I have NEVER done anything like this and I have no idea what made me do it. I have been a perfect wife to his perfect husband right up until that day. I have no excuses. I have no reason to believe he will ever forgive me. I am scared and feel like a complete piece of garbage. I am totally ashamed of myself. There is no name you could call me that I wouldn't agree with. I know what I have done.

Is there ANYTHING I can do other than be perfect forever and hope my husband forgives me? I don't think he will. And I don't blame him.

Oh I created this login to ask this question. I don't want people knowing who I am on here.

He knows exactly what happened! Is there anything more humiliating than having to call the cops to haul your skanky wife's butt out of a hotel room?
I think the fact that he knows exactly what happened is my biggest problem.

I wasn't drunk at all. Just extremely stupid.

I think this goes beyond a "mistake"....

I'm not looking for pity I am desperately looking for suggestions for anything I can do to save my marriage. And I mean ANYTHING.

Ok to answer your questions:
They found me at the hotel because I made checked a voice mail with my cell phone there.
My husband and children assumed the best and thought I must have been forced there. The police thought so too and originally were going to arrest the guy. Everyone thought they were there to rescue me.

The missing persons report was filed when my car turned up without me. That was what he needed to be able to do that.

Answer 1

Well your words on here certainly show genuine sorrow....Have you said all these words to your husband? Whether you think so or not, he needs to hear you say the words, over and over. "You're the only one who can heal his heart." Time doesn't do it, you have to tell him, show him, prove to him how deeply sorry and awful you feel. Don't assume that he knows, you'll have to constantly remind him of your feelings. He may have to take some time if he chooses to forgive you, but if he knows you, he'll know if you're truly sorry, or sincere. There is nothing more you can do, except try your best to keep your head up (wading in self-pity, or shame won't help you any) and be a good wife, and communicate your feelings to him often, reminding him that you're aware of how he's hurt. Just help him heal his heart when you feel like he's ready.

Answer 2

He married you under false pretences. Anyone can have a moment of weakness - but its about how you deal with it afterwards. You had a right to know before you made a commitment because this kind of thing makes a real impact as to what you want to do in terms of your commitment. he knowingly denied you this right. A commitment like marriage is supposed to be based on integrity, honour, truth and love. i think he rendered some of those important ones invalid. Also - this other woman and especially his child will now also be a feature of his life from now on - and therefore yours. If you can live with that and you feel that you can forgive him then stay with him. If you can't then you need to leave. Whatever you do - don't fall pregnant to salvage a situation - that way lies ruination. Think about the whole situation - but the ball is definitely in your court - at the end of the day - he betrayed you and has no right to expect or demand anything of you in your decision making. Remember you are not at fault here - so don't go turning it over in your head asking yourself where you went wrong - you didn't - he did Good luck with your situation and look after you. oh - and I'm a man by the way.

Answer 3

Sure. If you're still married and he has not filed a divorce, then you are still in the ball game. The score is way down on your team, so to speak, but you're still in the game. That's the main thing.

It's good you see what you did for what it really is, a family destroyer.

Your main focus, as hard as it may be, is to NOT be on yourself. It's very easy to completely smash yourself, and, unfortunately lose yourself in your own pity. This will sever what little you have left. Why?

Because if you are completely focusing on "you" than you cannot be focusing on the one you NEED to focus on: your husband. Right now, he needs every ounce of reassurance that you are sorry, and you realize how much you hurt him, and that you will never do that again.

You also need some counseling as to how to better manage your choices. Things like infidelity do NOT just "happen", there is always a reason. Lack of excitement, lack of love, attention, wildness in intimacy, etc.

The hardest thing is to face your consequences head on. While that may be the hardest thing, it is also the best thing and the only way to allow healing, restoration and happiness again. Giving up, divorcing and going into self pity or depression are all ways to bring focus back onto "you". Right now, it is time to get your focus back on your husband and family.

You also need to give extra reassurance to your husband first, that you were wrong and know how much it has hurt him and the family. And, that you are willing to do everything to make the marriage work. And... that you want to love him the way he needs to be loved.

Be humble, but don't be pitiful. There's a difference. If you attend church, then it would be benificial to bring your spiritual leader into mediating the effects.

Also, (if you haven't already) express to the whole family (just yours) how that you were wrong and understand that your actions hurt bad.

This is actually a good time for everyone to experience forgiveness, repentance, soul searching, and restoration... starting with you.

http://www.housefellowship.org

Answer 4

Sorry you were not drunk, as that was the one thing to save you relatively quickly.

I surmise you are from a small community and have a close-knit family. It is telling that your hubby actually got sick to his stomach and threw up on finding out the truth - that tells me that there are some VERY strong emotions there. Are you deeply Christian people? This reduces the tolerance for sin. Preachers can do it, but not parishioner’s wives.

Well, you did what you did for a reason. You need to calmly analyze it.

First - admit it. You CHOSE to do it. You enjoyed it. At the time, it was the best choice you could make. Now, times change. Get over it and stop agonizing about the past.

Second - stop trying to deny your feelings, and "get back" with your husband. You really need to know who YOU are and WHY you did this. If you think you are not happy now - you are forgetting that this ocucurred exactly because you are not happy about something in your life.

Consider, too, that sex outside marriage is not, as you well know now, a bad thing. The difficulty is that you have tasted the fruit of the tree of knowledge and your husband is still worrying about artificial boundaries.

Perhaps you want to be free of this relationship, this family. Perhaps you are starting to realize that life has gone by. Any child, who would dare to interject and call you a "whore", is not a good child.

This is not a healthy environment, and you exploded from the rage. And that rage is not bad. Maybe you need to bring it out in your husband, too. Maybe if he was more fun, more attentive, more interested in you, this would never have happened.

Regardless, take stock of your situation. Tell the kids, politely, to stay OUT of it, if they don't like it they can move out.

This is between you and your husband, and maybe it's best if you do not beg and plead. He needs to realize he's at fault here, too.

Talk to him to agree to go to counseling - so you two can discuss this and what lead to it, and where do you go.

If he refuses to forgive or to accept counseling, or to accept some responsibility - that's your cue.... maybe it's a sign to move on with your life.

Best wishes.

PS All things considered - you can take an aggressive approach. Tell your husband that he's failed to sustain your physical and emotional well-being, and if he doesn’t improve, you might do it again. (It's true, isn’t it?)

The truth hurts, but far less than a lie.

Answer 5

Nothing much u can really do, except beg for his forgiveness.
U might want to seek counseling for the both of u, other then that u committed the ultimate sin. Going to take some time for ur husband and family to move past this one. Don't keep apologizing just do the best u can and hopefully things will get better. I want to know what cause u to do what u did??? I'm sure alcohol was a factor but it has to go deeper then that. U really need to asset ur marriage and find out what it is that u really want. It seems like ur remorseful and that ur truly sorry,
however it doesn't take away the pain. I wish u the best , learn from this experience and remember the feelings that ur going through right now. Wow!!!! If we could turn back the hands of time.

Answer 6

I'm sorry. I am sure you are also sorry. But some things cannot be fixed.
I am thinking also about that 17 year old boy who "accidentally" murdered Sean Taylor during a burglary in Florida. How stupid to go do something like that, and now his life is completely over. I'm sure he wishes he could take it all back.
You didn't kill someone, but you did kill your relationship with your husband and family. I don't think this is fixable, unless God himself fixes it. You should go to a spiritual retreat, go to serve others and meditate. You need to ask God to guide you.
I don't know if your family will forgive you or not. But you do have to tell them how sorry you are. Whether they forgive or not is their decision, not yours.
What on earth is wrong inside of you that this happened? Did you not imagine how worried your family would be if you did not show up? There must be some deep problem in the emotions or psychological makeup that only a trained counsellor can find. Please also get some psychiatric help.

Answer 7

Since you have a 19 year old son I assume you've been married a long time. Has your husband told you what he wants to do? I think you should wait and leave the ball in his court. If he wants to stay and work it out then the two of you need to go to counseling and figure out what went wrong. If he wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do about that. If he does want to leave then see if he'll wait a while before making a decision. Since you truly seem sorry I hope he gives you another chance. Good luck working it out.

Answer 8

No, there's nothing you can do, its a shame so many woman out there seek desperatly for the type of family you appear to have had. And yet, you go out and do wrong, while your family is worried looking for you, however for the cops to have gone that same day is strange, because i thought u had to wait 24 hours before filing a missing persons report for the cops to be involved.??? Wheew, thats a tough one, all you can honestly do is to prove to your family how truelly sorry you are,dont be fake and dont be over apolagetic neither, dont let them treat you like crap especially allow your kids to disrespect you, you were wrong yes, but you are still their mother and they still should respect you. Only time can heal this one, if you are truelly sorry, sit down and talk about this thoroughly with your husband,be honest with him and see where the two of you want to take it from there.

Good luck..

Answer 9

With any luck he'll have nothing more to do with you. Cheating with friends or because of alcohol is no acceptable excuse. But spending the night with someone you don't know and while sober! How could you possibly expect your (hopefully) ex-husband to kiss the mouth that sucked another man's whatever?

You need to find an appropriate street corner to hang with the rest of your kind!

Answer 10

Mistakes happen, but there has to be a reason why it was so easy for you to end up in that hotel room......Were you so drunk that you didnt know what you were doing?.....or was it pure passion that led you there?.....
There is nothing you can say or do to make him forget what you did....just work on moving past it and maybe try and figure out why you did it in the first place.