Can you help explain my wife's loss of sexual desire?

Question

We have been married for 11 years and have a couple kids (not babies any longer). My wife seems to have lost all interest in sex and/or spending time with me. When I try to talk to her about it, things usually go sour and everyone feels bad. I would like to talk with a woman who may be in a similar situation as my wife. I am looking for a woman who is between 30 and 45, in a stable marriage, but has a "reduced" sex drive (that would be your call). I would like to talk openly about the physical relationship I have with my wife, so it would be best if you were not inhibited or easily offended. I would like to explain my concerns and questions over email, so if you think you can help me out please reply to this question or email me through the link on my profile page. Thanks

Answer 1

Could be a zillion things. Of course any 11-year relationship with two kids will have reduced sex, with reduced quality because of time constraints. Could it be that YOU are not as good looking as you once were? Don't want to point fingers, just an idea. In that case, hit the gym.

Answer 2

Can you mid-life crisis? I know how special it is to find a young woman is Interested(?) in you, humor, views of life etc. The reality is your youth is spent. That does not mean you you cannot view yourself as young it means you really have no business acting like a twenty year old WITH 20 year old people. In theory you are to be older and wiser. All of this is separate from your marriage however. You have described a situation we all go through. The lure of youth and interested in YOU. Do not be so delusional to believe that those girls are interested in you for a relationship. Yet while that pleasant conversation is happening you have a wife at home with history and not all good at that. 20 vs. 45, 20 vs. 45, 20 vs. 45 tough choice. Be careful what you wish for. I think you are faced with the decision that we all must make. What do I want from my life and marraige? I think that you have described the situation we all find ourselves in at some point. Our marriage just does not feel the way we would like. Its part of the realization that we are half done in this world in there were many of missed opportunities. One of those opportunities is an active and affectionate sexuality. Why not start again? With your wife. Is she willing? Why aren't you? There will always be someone to turn your head but none of them really love you. After 20+ years if that is not there it is past time to go. Its time to face it, that AARP mailing is not that far away. Think about the fact that in another 20 years this 20 year old will be where your wife is now. Scary isn't it. Really, why don't you have a serious discussion woith your wife about where you think you will be and be like in 5 years, 10 and 20 years. Figure out where you want to go and how you want it be. You may find a willing partner who is longing for the same kind of second half. If not, you will know what to do.

Answer 3

This isn't uncommon, but there's LOTS which can be done.
The explanation is dependent upon many, many things.
If she's over 35, it could very well be a hormonal imbalance - which is easily checked by her gynecologist who can do some testing. There's a state before menopause in which hormones can start going totally out of whack, which can affect desire, mood, etc. If so, there are things which can be done.
Secondly, I think you seriously need to assess things from your point of view. Anything changed with you to affect how she feels about you? I don't mean bringing flowers and helping around the house (though a man washing the supper dishes is very nice foreplay!), but are you actually attentive to her and listening to her? Do you know her needs, aside from the physical? Is she way more caught up in the lives of your children, than her own life - does she have time for herself?
As for talking to her about it, you just must do this. Don't be confrontive, don't be nagging - if you truly want to get to the root of things, you must be kind and gentle, very understanding. Explain WHY you think there are problems, and have HER explain things.
There are two VERY DIFFERENT things you express here - the lack of sex AND her not wanting to spend time with you. Each needs to be dealt with separately.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Bulls eye! I am a 40 year old woman, who is shall I say, still very much attractive and have kept my body looking better then ever, and Im very proud of this, I dont have a huge ego nor do I think Im all that and a bag of chips, Im just feeling happy that I havent let myself go, as many women who reach 40 do, but lets get down to business here, I have been married 10 years, and like your wife have no, desire, I mean zero desire for any sex or alone time with my hubby, and dont get me wrong, I do care for him, but I cant seem to see him as the cute guy that I fell for 10 years ago? I feel that it,s just the same ole thing, but my husband doesnt even try to make any changes in our marriage, so maybe thats what can make the difference with you? I recomend adding a bit of spark to the relationship, flowers, candles, etc, for me personally its all about setting the stage, foreplay? I cant just hop in the sack and start enjoying myself, and thats what my hubby thinks, so try some adding a bit of creativity to the scene, also this is a typical age for many women to start having hormonal problems, so it could be something physical? I wish you all the luck in the world!

Answer 5

This is not just YOUR problem, nor is it just HER problem.

It is a problem for BOTH of you - so I urge you BOTH to attend couples counseling so you BOTH can discover what happened - and how to avoid it in the future.

I know this sounds like a "pat answer" but this didn't happen over night. It happened gradually - and it's not going to be solved overnight either.

However, here are some things you could do to soften the path - and maybe prepare her for the idea of counselling.

KEEP IN MIND: that women are not aroused by physical stimulation - so much as emotional stimulation. Therefore you must make her feel loved and secure and desired.

When you get home at night, compliement her - not just on her housework or how the children are raised - but on how she still makes you feel tingly all over when she smiles at you.

No matter how tired you are - ask her about her day - and really listen to her. She may be reluctant to say anything at first, but gently prod her with gentle questions - that shows you're really listening...

Bathe before going to bed. Trust me. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a sweaty, smelly man.

Ask her if she would like to set aside one night a month as "your time together" night. And you can take turns deciding what to do - go to the movies (including chick-flicks) or out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Or just spend time with each other laughing and cuddling and playing.

Remember - when you are out together - that you are out with HER and not "the guys." Should you meet up with a pal or associate - be polite - but as quickly as possible, get back to paying attention to HER. She's your date, after all.

Try calling her in the middle of the day just to tell her you were thinking about her and it made you smile and feel happy.


Anyway, there are so many variations on this I could go on and on - but the big thing is to do (and continue to do) the things that made her fall in love with you in the first place. And then try some new things too.

Good luck.

Answer 6

She's way too young for menopause. The solution lies in the length of time that this has gone on. It is typical for female sex drive to be cyclical --- mostly because our sex drives are hormonally driven and more sensitive to fluctuations in our lives, sleep, worries and emotions than men's are. You sound like an understanding patient kind of guy, so you are not out of line in asking her to confront this problem with you. She may be frustrated and embarrassed. First off, a good solid gynecological exam is in order. Ruling out any discomfort, physical manifestations, hormonal imbalances or possible (not likely) early menopause would be beneficial to you both. Then there are counsellors (very reputable) who are certified and well versed in sexual relations therapy. You will both have to commit to this. If this has not been going on too long she may just be at a low ebb, but needs to be honest with herself about that and even if she is at a low ebb, she can still satisfy your sexual needs and should be understanding about this. I wish you good luck. Make every effort to be romantic and understanding but a healthy sexual relationship is an important component to a good marriage and you are right to want to get on the same page to insure a positive future. Don't start any private conversations with other women about this though because that is bound to cause a great deal of hurt and only stress your relationship with your Mrs.

Answer 7

Hello, Sorry to hear this. I am 40 years old with 4 kids, ages 16, 7, 5, and 2. I, too, have a decreased sex drive. I wake up at 5 a.m. everyday to help the 2 middle kids get ready for school . I am the last to get to bed, generally around 9 p.m. I am thoroughly exausted. I try to summon up my sex drive to please my husband, because even though he is 8 years older than me, he is almost unsatiable where sex is concerned. We have talked about this alot. I just have no energy anymore. I recently ordered women's Viagra from a Canadian pharmacy online and am eagerly awaiting them to come in. I am hoping this will help, because I once had an insatiable appetite for sex and I want it back.

Answer 8

Your wife maybe going through a tough time in her life. Maybe she needs to feel wanted and desirable. Try just holding her and no pressure of sex for awhile. There maybe a time in your life that you may need the same thing. 11 years is a long time for most women, maybe role play. There is so many reason this lack of interest in sex is in your way. Maybe you need counseling. Good luck with finding the answer.

Answer 9

Everyone seems to think it is the whole hormone thing , maybe it is but....I am 42 and while my sex drive has decreased I believe it is more about being self conscious.You start to notice the physical changes in you body and sometimes can't stand to look at yourself , and so , you start think , if I don't find my body attractive , why would my mate??( Dumb I know but it is fact.)And no matter how much you tell us that we are still attractive , we sometimes are offended because we feel you are not being honest.Or that you feel as our mates that that is what you are supposed to say.Either way it is a touch and go situation and maybe she needs advice form a third party , someone who knows about the female body,preferably someone female and professional!lol.or maybe she just needs some reassurance from you.Although we seem to reject what you are saying , we still like to hear it!! :)Good Luck.

Answer 10

"We have been married for 11 years",,,that's your answer. It is time to re-new your vows..with a little ceremony, honeymoon and the whole nine yards. Make her feel wanted. Remind her the reasons why she chose you in the first place. U know you can do this. Your marrigae will be just fine. You two love each other, that makes all the difference in the world. Cheers!! to another happier 11 years,,, :o)