Am I selfish?

Question

I am 1o weeks pregnant and I work full time and my husband and I run a dance school and dance company. So my schedule is work 7:00-3:00 and dance rehearsal and 4:30pm-8:00pm on mon, tue, wed and fri our schedule was working fine because we are building something and I felt really positive about that. We want our dance school to be our main source of income. Now that I pregnant this schedule is really getting hard I spoke to my husband yesterday about quitting my job and I would just work on the business so it could come along faster. We got into a big argument because I make majority of the money and he feels like if I quit I will be making our family struggle on purpose and he got very upset. He also said that people have been working pregnant for years and I should be stronger that that and I am diverting from our plan which was for me to work and after the baby take off. He really made me feel bad he said he has the same schedule as me and he is able to make it. He is not pregnant. After our conversation yesterday I am going to stay at work but am I selfish for asking to stop working he made me feel so bad he said he is trying his best and he is tired and has the same schedule as me but he is making it work. He also said people would love to just stay home and work on a business but it is not reality. I realize all these things but I still feel so tired some days I can barley concrete. Was I wrong? {Please no hurtful answers yesterday was hurtful enough I can’t take any more mean things said}

Answer 1

Ten weeks is a hurdle, no argument about that. But don't slow down now. The earlier you let your body think it can stop working so hard, the more weight you will gain during the pregnancy and the harder it will be to take it off afterward. Buckle down and sweat it out. You CAN do this.

Answer 2

Did you agree to continue to work until the baby came? Have you said to him that you didn't realize that being pregnant was going to take the wind out of you? Now that you realize that is the case, you need his support and flexibility?

I hate to say this, but he's a jerk for saying that he's be able to make it but you can't. That is the stupidest comment I've ever heard in regards to pregnancy. You are right -- he is NOT pregnant. And every pregnancy is different.

Anyway, you're working 13-hours a day!

It seems to me like he's not respecting your goals of having a business. He maybe one of those people who don't believe that running a business is important or that it's something you can make a really good living at.

I do have a question for you. Just because he says something, doesn't mean it's true. Is there a reason why you're taking what he says as the gospel and feeling hurt? Is there someone at church or local you can speak to regarding this?


Can you figure out how much more money you "could make" if you worked on your business more? And have you seen if at the job you have, you can work 1 less day a week?

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand why you're tired. Between being pregnant, all the hours you're working and I bet you're doing most of the housework; if you aren't doing all of it!

Urks me when someone acts like a jerk.

Answer 3

I don't think you are being selfish. Quitting your job would allow you to put more time and energy into the dance studio. You could even get a part time job and still contribute to the studio. It kinda sounds like to me that your husband is more interested in your current income than the income long term and the accomplishments.

Yes many women have been pregnant and worked a full time job but you are also building a business and stress and long hours is not good for a mother to be and could cause the loss of the baby or affect its health. So before your husband jumps to things he should also reflect on the things that could have some serious side affects to the baby and you as well.

How about if you quit your full time job and he gets a second one.. he doesn't have to be concerned with carrying this child and he doesn't have to worry about the stress he may have affecting the child.. It sounds more like he is the selfish one!

Answer 4

We yes you are...but then again he is too.

Perhaps you could suggest a compromise...such as he takes over more responsibilities at the dance studio but you are there for appearances.

I understand about accidents...but, if it was planned there is a major flaw in the plan. Starting a business is a lot like raising a baby...both of them need a lot of attention. It is nearly impossible to do them at the same time and stay sane.

But, even with that said...there is the other side of the argument too. If you are ever going to be able to do it...it is now. You will never be any younger and have that amount of energy again.

Hopefully, the two of you can get together and come up with a solution.

And remember that you are not your normal self now the hormones will mess with your moods. And also remember that your husband isn't his normal self now...he is probably scared to death about the changes he knows are coming. Even if he will not admit it.

I hope this helps...and if it sounded mean...it wasn't meant as mean spirited. I really wanted to help.

This is from a single Dad...she had our daughter but I raised her. Nine months compared to 25 years so far.

Answer 5

I cant really say you are acting selfish. I totally understand how you feel both physically AND mentally. I think the BEST thing to do at this point, is come to some sort of COMPROMISE with your hubby where both of you can be somewhat happy.

The BUSINESS obviously is much more demanding than either of you expected. How much did you discuss all the repercussions of adding kids right now before you got pregnant? Did one of you think you were Superhuman but changed your mind now that is is real??

In order to thrive in any business, it will require 110% of your input - as an owner, you really CANT just walk out... you CAN cut back on the hours, OR take breaks where you can put your feet up and rest every two hours.... throwing in the towel is not an option - think about it from a business partner point of view too - would you be OK if your partner just said "sorry Im staying home now, it is all on you now"?

I am SURE you two can come up with a reasonable compromise.... you cant ignore your health, and you cant ignore the business. One depends entirely on the other!

Answer 6

You aren't selfish. The first trimester of pregnancy is a bear for many women -- morning sickness, exhaustion, 84,000 unfamiliar hormones wreaking havoc on your mood ... I've been there! I know! I certainly couldn't have done what you do while pregnant!

My husband and I had this same struggle when I became pregnant with our first child. In our case, I was the one who was hesitant to stop working. What convinced me to do so: running the numbers. I got quotes from the nearby daycares; figured in copays for extra doctor visits and antibiotics since daycare children often get sick more; and my own work expenses (gas, wardrobe, lunches). Even though I made decent money, virtually all of it was going to go to pay for childcare! What was left wasn't enough to make an appreciable difference!

Most men appreciate cold, hard facts. Do a little research of your own and present it to him. Give him phone numbers of daycares, etc. and invite him to check it out for himself.

I was fortunate to be able to freelance a little (I'm an editor). You may be able to work a few hours per week later on, if you wish or if you and your husband believe it's absolutely necessary.

Hang in there. I'm sure you'll make the right decision on what's best for your family. The fact that you are wrestling with this question in the first place is a clear indicator that you are NOT selfish ... so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Answer 7

Selfish is simply self preservation for both you & your child. Pregnancy is not a sickness and should make you feel well. However, if you don't feel 100% you should be discussing this with your Obstetrician. Perhaps you need a better diet or even a supplement. It looks like your partner needs a little information to put him on the right track to expect to be a full time father. There is a great deal more here at stake than your business interests and if you generate more income than him then his personal esteem may be already low. He is certainly being "SELFish". Nothing wrong with both of you seeing a counsellor soon. Never know what to expect when a pregnant woman's hormones click into action.

Answer 8

Your husband isn't pregnant, that's the key. Talk to your doctor about what changes your body will have during pregnancy, especially after the 1st trimester. Make sure your husband is there. Perhaps the compromise is for you to take off some of the dance studio time and get some rest. And frankly, your husband should be supporting the mother of his child, and not be concerned about what other women do. For his information, women in civilized countries, up until the last 30years, stayed at home and didn't work through their pregnancies.

Answer 9

NO YOU ARE NOT. I, as a mother can totally understand what you are saying. First of all NO MAN can compare himself to a pregnant woman, HE is being selfish by even suggesting that you should be able to do whatever he is able to do. His number one priority needs to be you and the child you are carrying. He must know you better by now to know you are not lazy, but the circumstances have changed which require you to give yourself more rest. I think he's panicking at the thought of losing your income, especially if it's the largest income in the home, and I can understand that, BUT, he should not let his insecurities cause him to turn on you and call you selfish when you are just trying to do what is best for you right now in order to care for your unborn child.
I am 22 weeks pregnant with my fourth child, before becoming pregnant I was working two jobs. My first job (day job) is one I've had for over ten years, I added a second one last year to supplement our income. This meant having a schedule similar to the one you have. I managed fine, with both jobs, and also 3 days a week of volunteering in child and youth programs. Upon becoming pregnant, not only did it become tough in the beginning, I was sick alot, but also I found that the schedule was really hard to keep up with. I was exhausted. Pregnancy causes you to become more tired and require more rest, right from the start. It is important for you to not over do it. Your husband needs to be more understanding and put his family before his insecurities. I feel for you and wish the best for you. Try to get as much rest as you can.

Answer 10

As a male, I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant, so I won't speak to that. On a relationship level though, I can help you by saying that the words and approach you used are usually much more important than the intent of the actions. In English, if you TELL him you're thinking about quitting instead of ASKING his opinion on your thought, you'll probably put him on the defense before you get 10 words into your question. Men are programmed to run the show from our ancestors and don't take well to being told that the person they're responsible for on a safety level is trying change up a plan. You're treading on thin ice by TELLING anything...if indeed that was your approach. If it wasn't your approach at all and you asked him his thought process on the idea, then you probably just caught him at a bad time. Try again with a more gentle approach and be sure that you've thought ahead of the questions he will ask so that you have a solid case for your thoughts.

Answer 11

I can see your situation quite well.

But your priorities is your unborn child. Do not do anything to put this into a hazard.

Your husband should be more supportive.

The argument that he has the same schedule than you do, is basically not valid, as he does not bear a child in his belly.

If you feel like: go to a doctor and take a professional opinion and present it to him.

About your dance school: is there any other option? do you have a friend who can take over for some months? If so think about this, but make sure the contract is set up as such that you can take over later on.

Good Luck