Husband is different after my attack?

Question

We have been married for 10 years. In 2005 I was attacked at work. The guy worked there and he was arrested. After all the test and police and having to tell it over my husband seems different. When I bring it up he changes the subject. He doesn’t hold me on the couch. That was my favorite. He goes to sleep sometimes before I go to bed. Sex has been really scarce at best. I am okay. I have been to counseling. I am fine. We have had marriage counseling with no breakthrough. I have asked him but he doesn’t have an answer. He does call me more at home but the connection isn’t there. Is this common? How can I get him to love me like he used to?

Answer 1

He feels that you gave up too easy.

Answer 2

Have you seen the movie "The Secret"?
You can d/l it for like $4 online I think at their main site.
Youtube might have it up for free now.

When you say "attacked" do you mean raped?
If so that is very traumatic, he may develop hangup to touch you...maybe he worried you caught disease or are somehow impure?

I'm sure you have enough tests for incubation of HIV???
I say look for wholistic/Reiki healer (especially one that can maybe give some counseling/therapy) in area and go for a session or a few and ask to be cleared, cleansed, etc

This will help clear up some energy. Let her know about hubby, so she can put his name and birthdate on paper and send him some distant healing.

Sit down and talk with hubby and tell him how you feel. Ask him what can be done to bring some more intimacy into the marriage? Does he need some counseling?

Maybe you ought to cuddle him first and not wait. If he push away, just take your time, but go a little more each time.

Are you still the girl he loved before? Have you changed since the attack? Maybe there's more to the story and you have to try and get him to open up to know. If you can't maybe a marriage counselor can. If that won't work....

Answer 3

As people grow older, they change. It may well have little to do with the fact that you were attacked. But that really isn't helping, is it? Counseling for both of you might help. I know, you've been - but he hasn't, has he? For some guys, it's a stern and intimidating issue. For the more insecure man, it may well be an insurmountable issue. You'll have to decide whether you can adapt to his new behavior, knowing it may be permanent, or whether you'll have to move on.
The saddest part of this is, counselors see this sort of thing frequently, and it is not unusual for the thing to end a marriage, even though intellectually the guy admits it was absolutely not the wife's fault. Hubby's sense of having had "his" privacy invaded and of being reminded of that every time he sees her in an intimate situation was just something these guys couldn't handle. Yes, it's incredibly shallow and selfish of them - but it still happened and still happens.
You and he are overdue for some serious talk. If he declines and continues to decline - well, are you going to be able to cope with things as they are, or will you have to make some profound changes that may not include him?

Answer 4

He loves you more than ever. It's just that now something has been added to his life - anxiety over your safety. Ask him, when it is your birthday, to hold you on the couch. Tell him that's the only gift you want. Specify how long it should last. Don't pester him; just ask for that as a special gift on occasions when a gift is being considered.
Eventually, you will have experienced that 'on the couch' situation enough that maybe HE will accept it back into his life. Things have shifted but the love is still there. Something has changed but the love is still there. Even though you can get the 'on the couch' experience back, try to build a repertoire of new things to share - like a back rub that you give him and then maybe get one in return. (When you give the back rub, use warm oil and make it a special experience, not just a backrub in a chair....) Good luck!

Answer 5

I have heard of this before. If you have been through counseling, I'm sure you have told him how you feel. It's a shame. You were attacked, and have to deal with that, (I hope you don't suffer from clinical depression or PTSD as a result) and now you must deal with the loss of your husband. If he does not open up there is no way to deal with the issues. Maybe with time what ever is bothering him will surface from his sub conscious level so it can be discussed. Mean while I suggest you focus on yourself. You have been through allot . Just let him be, and with time he may be able to deal with this trauma also and return to where he was.

Answer 6

He might feel inadequate as your husband, the protector. I know this may seem ridiculous to you, but guys are wired that way. He may in some way be grieving himself for what he couldn't provide for you. If a guy feels like a failure it often translates to no sex or at least less of it. You can't change that for him. Encourage him to talk when he can and focus on yourself right now. This is just a guess right now on my part. Stay with the counseling sometimes it takes awhile.

Answer 7

Have you told him how you feel? The lines of communication may just be a bit short circuited because he's having a difficult time accepting that you were attacked and he wasn't there to protect you. You really need to talk with him and tell him how hard it's been for you without his affection to reassure you of his love. He may have to talk to his own therapist and not a marriage counselor. I hope it all works out for you because you sound like you deserve a break after what you've been through.

Answer 8

I know what you are going through as I too have gone through it. I think the guy feels a little inadequate that he wasn't able to protect you. Also, he needs to know for sure that you are "well". I would go to a doctor with him and let the doctor reassure him that you are physically in good condition and it's up to you to let him know that you are emotionally healed. However, you might just think you are emotionally healed..... it could effect you later on. I know that I still have a fear of being attacked and it has been 13 years. It's hard, especially now, when you need for him to hold you. Good luck.

Answer 9

Continue the counseling, i am getting the feeling, because there has been "no break through with it", that maybe you have given up? Don't. He must have some issues here, maybe he needs separate individual counseling? push it.It is not anyones fault, you just need to get this worked though for you BOTH to be happy again.

Answer 10

First really sorry to hear about what happend. I'm not married and nowhere close to be, but I think hes problem really is that he is not really sure what goes in your head when he tries to do anything. He might be worried that if he attempts to do anything, that he is going to bring back unpleasent memories to both of you. Not really sure, you just have to give him some more time and make sure that you too keep everything in the open. It can't be that he doesn't know why, he probably knows why but just doesn't know how to explain it to you.

good luck

Answer 11

I don't know what to tell you except basic guy instinct: It's a turn off. He's too polite to admit it, because he doesn't want to hurt you more. People usually break up after things like this happen because he's been raised to avoid women who've had sex with other men, been taught it's dirty. To me it's just a hole, but to most guys it's their prized possession. Once violated, it's lost forever.

It could also be the thing where he's afraid you'll have a flashback if you're intimate and it'll be like he's the rapist.