Growing up, I wished daily that my parents would get a divorce. They have been married 45 years now...?

Question

and seem settled. I know for a fact that one of them is and has been very unhappy and feels that their life was wasted by staying in the marriage all of this time. I personally have no relationship to speak of with one of them. To this day I feel that I might be a better person if I had better role models as a child.

So just how important is it to stay together for the children?

I am 45 years old.

My parents are staying together because they don't know anything else at this point.

Answer 1

One school of thought is that it is absolutely vital the parents stay together so long as the child is not endangered by one of the parents. This way a child's natural need to bond with it's mother , and father are met. The child gets to have a relationship with a female figure (mom) and male figure (dad). The child's perception of gender and gender roles are defined by it's relationships with it's parents.

When a divorce happens, and one parent leaves the home, the trauma to the child is equal to the death of that parent. The child has lost a parent; monthly visits, and child support money can never replace the daily presence, daily care, and daily love of that missing parent. Children are not "resilient", they instead grow up to be hurt angry adults with baggage.

Now that ideal of having both parents, only really works if both parents are functional and mentally sane. I have no idea what traumas you experienced from your parents as a child, but it sounds like you would have been screwed either way; and that sucks.

Could you have been a better person had you had a more stable family life? Maybe, and maybe not; it's a dead past; you'll never know what could have been. All you have now is, well,... now. You can't fix your parents, you can only heal yourself, and forgive your parents for screwing up.

It's not enough for parents to just merely stay together for their kids; it's important that children have Functional parents.

Answer 2

There are a lot of reasons why two people stay together even when one is very unhappy and it may not be the children. When you have been married to someone of 45 years then it is very scary to leave that relationship especially if they feel that they will receive no support from the family or that they have nowhere else to go. Sometimes people feel it is better to be with someone even though they are unhappy than risk being alone for the rest of their lives. After 45 years of marriage it also could be a financial problem that is holding one partner in the relationship. If one has not worked or they are afraid of losing the house or whatever, that can be very scary. There is also the religious aspect that may keep a couple together. Whatever the reason for your parents staying together than it is their problem not yours and all you can do is support them both in whatever decision they make

Answer 3

Too many parents make the mistake of staying together for the sake of the children. But divorce doesn't have to be a fight. It can be made to benefit the child. My late ex, and I divorced after 17 years. Our ideals and what we each wanted in life grew so far apart that as a coulpe we no longer meshed. We separated and planned things so there was as little trauma to our childrens lives in general. Everything we did, was to keep our children as comfortable as possible with the changes to our family. In the long run, The ex and I went back to being the friends we were like when we were 7 and 8 yrs old. We still took the kids to the fair every year. But came to include his girlfriend and later my boyfriend. Tjhe kids could have their important functions and have both parents without fear that anyone would make a scene. As parents, to our credit, we didn't have any of our children try to play one parent against the other. When the Ex died, I was able to be with my children and The EX's family during such a difficult time.
I guess we were lucky in understanding and accepting that divorce doesn't have to be anyone's fault and that if it must be done, the children should be considered in every step of the process. Like, it's not for a child to hear the one parent bad mouthing the other. A child's love for his/her parents is unconditional. Besides, it's verbal abuse and can get you trouble with the courts. Grilling the children about the new bf or gf is another big no no. No child should be made to feel as though they have to tattle or be in the middle. I see so many people doing those things and the child looks absolutely devastated. It puts a stress on the child that isn't their fault but makes them feel like it is. My ex and I felt no child should feel like that.
However, when parents divorce, they should only consider it because they decide among themselves that it's best for themselves. Not because the children think they can get a better deal. Or have the choice of living with a lenient parent. A parents relationship with their spouse is their business. The only time that's right to get involved is if one is in danger of being hurt via domestic violence.
It may not give you the answer you were looking for. And it may not even be words you want to hear. It is their decision. Not yours.

Answer 4

Some people stay together because they need to have someone to argue with.
They pretend that they stay together for their children, but they just can 't do apart from one another. It's a way of life. They feel secure knowing that there is always this other person there to argue with, who is also going to take care of them if they get sick or something. It is dependancy, habits that form over the years, and a deeper sense of duty that the older generations had. It's a twisted kind of love, but people are not perfect.
Don't be concerned about your upbringing, they both love you, and they did the best they knew how. Be supportive if you can, because people give love the way they received it. In older families with many kids, and much less comforts, parents did not have the luxury of spending much time-money-affection on each child. Your parents could be in that category. Don't blame them for the way they brought you up.
They probably didn't know how to love any better than they had seen as kids.

Answer 5

I don't think that staying together for the children is that important, as long as the divorce isn't messy.

My parents got divorced when I was 15 and I think I turned out a lot better because of it. I have become so much closer with each of them than I was when they were together. They fought all the time and that's so hard to see when you're young.

I think that if you're not in love and not happy anymore, you shouldn't just stay together for the children. But be reasonable, for example, don't keep them from seeing their father/mother or don't make mean comments about your ex-husband/wife in front of the kids. It's still their parent.

I don't think anyone should just stay together for the children.

Answer 6

I think that most times peole would be better off apart if their life has become miserable. You cannot be a good parent if you are not happy. Children are not stupid and pick up on these kinds of things. I think it is better when peole divorce and they fall in love with new people and get married, then the children can see what it is like to be happy.

I don't agree with this for all cases. Marriage is work, but if you have worked at it and tried as hard as you could and you still can't stand having to see your partner everyday, than maybe it is time to move on.

Answer 7

I am divorced and I feel bad at times that my son is going back and forth between parents. However, I would rather have that than live the rest of my life with someone who I cannot stand to be around to make my child happy because when all is said and done my son will grow up and leave and I would have wasted my life with someone I hate and then have the remainder of my life to figure out what to so next now that the kids are gone.

Divorce was the best thing that I ever did. I am remarried and my son loves his step dad and his brother and sister and he still sees his dad and has no idea how much I hate him.

Answer 8

My parents seem to not speak to eachother every weekend then they are fine during the week day when my mother is gone half the day.
For some reason I think i've wished the same as you a few times.

I personally dont think its that important.
If the parents are always arguing then what is that showing the kids. If they are little growing up in this enviroment what are they going to think? It can even cause depression in some kids.
I know this can all happen if the parents were to divorce as well but why not live in a happy enviroment with one parent compared to a very opposite enviroment?

Answer 9

I'm in my late 20's and have a five year old with my wife, and I'm at a point right now where I'm convinced that I'm staying with my wife so my son will have a "normal" childhood. He understands a lot now, and we were seperated for a few weeks and it was horrible for me to talk to him and see how it effected him. I also feel really strongly that I don't want some other guy to be his dad, living with him like I should be doing.

Either way, it's not fair to the kids to be in a hostile/dead enviornment either but it's a very hard, horrible decision to have to make.

How old are you anyhow? When I was a teenager, and in high school I hated my dad, but I have a great relationship with him now - but I still notice my parents have bad arguments and I still wonder how my mom can take it. But all relationships can be like that, it depends on how much you can take, I guess.

Answer 10

Maybe they were trying to set an example for you. It is better if parents stay together, unless the fight and argue TOO much, then it is better to get a divorce.
The most important thing, though, is for the children to grow up happily. That can be hard if the child can only see one parent at a time, but better than being in a violent enviorment.