Is he being cruel or is he really hurt? Did I overreact?

Question

I love my husband, we've been living apart as he's working in another country (with the rest of his family) and I'm due to go live with him in the next few weeks now he's got a place ready. But I think I've messed up one last time. He is very controlling in that he wants to know where and when I'm going and what I'm up to and to ask before going anywhere (even though he is abroad). I went out 'without his permission' last week (I went during the day with girlfriends and due to some miscommunication I thought it was ok) and he has been angry with me. We finally made peace, but I just think I've pushed him away for good. He didn't want to stay with my family when he comes to 'collect' me and it upset me especially as he made a point of saying it was 'because of what I did' and talked about other minor things I've done he didn't like. I said I didn't think we are compatable anymore and I couldn't live always being reminded of every past mistake. He's said fine that's it.

And I think he has given up on me. He says I'm destined to move around from man to man and not made for commitment (I've only ever had one other sexual relationship with my first husband who was physically abusive - he is also on his second marriage). But he really hurts me when he puts me down a lot. What am I doing wrong? Did i overreact by saying that?
Is he being cruel or have I really hurt him?
I've apologised but he just replied and said 'I was trying to move you up but I was stupid to go on with you, Happy Christmas'.
:/

I have never cheated on him.
He is close to the ex wife and I have been jealous in the past. But resigned myself to it now (they have 4kids together)

Is it really over?

I don't want another failed marriage. I'm not a bad person. My parents got really cut up the last time (its seen as a sin in their church).
And I love him, but its just hurting so much being critisised and 'punished' (emotionally - never physically)

He only got like this after marriage. The critisisms only started a few months ago. I was reacting badly about emigrating and jealous of his ex wife. He's been controlling what i do for a long time.

Answer 1

Why do you choose to live that life? No one person should have that much control over another person. You tell you're spouse where you're going and when as a show of respect for them, not as a forced demand from them. I don't know if you have kids, if not I'd say bail out now. There are too many nice men out there that would just love you because, you are you. Good Luck

Answer 2

I honestly think you should get out of that marriage. Yes divorce is expensive, and in some religions a major sin, however he's controlling you from a world away. If he's this verbally abusive and controlling now, how bad is it going to be when you're living in a whole nother country, completely alone really, away from your friends a family. If something where to happen who would you be able to turn to?

It just all sounds very bad. Are you going to be the next Stacy Peterson? Think about that.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Why are you with someone that treats you like this? If you had a daughter and she was with a man that treated her like that how would you feel?

No matter what you have done, he doesn't get to treat you like you are piece of property or a child. R_E_S_P_E_C_T.

He is bullying you cause it works --- don't accept this it is not normal and will never be part of a healthy relationship.

You need to get away from this guy and this time figure out why you are attracted to these toxic guys, fix the problem and THEN maybe you can find real healthy love.

Good luck

Answer 4

The only thing you are doing wrong is staying married to this man. You are an adult, not a child, you don't need anyone's permission to go out with your girl friends during the day, especially if that person isn't even there. Let him leave you, or you leave him, you need to find a better man.

Answer 5

I think his issues with trust should have been addressed before marriage. Do not say divorce just yet. Wait. Give him time to blow off steam .. then when he comes back.. say you want to go to counseling with him and that you love him and that you did not cheat him of yourself. Tell him you were wrong to react that way in anger..and that you went to talk to the base chaplain about it ( do so ASAP ) .. and find ways to help ease him back into stateside life.

Answer 6

From reading that, I don't think the problem lies with you...sounds more like what a psychologist would call 'a case of transference'-his problems are turned around so he is making out things are all your fault...i.e. the relationship is over and its all your fault...seems to me more like he maybe wants a way out and its easier for him to put the blame on you.
This is all just my opinion though...I guess you need to talk to him. I hope it all works out well for you in the end.

Answer 7

what the hell are you on about. your a human being. not a object. your mother gave you life. not to be governed by a control freak. does he tell you what he is doing all the time. you go and get yourself a LIFE. and tell the A--R--S--OL. TO F--K OFF. you have not meet the right person. but there is plenty of really nice people who will really LOVE YOU. for yourself and what you are.

Answer 8

You know how the saying goes don' you 'if you mistrust someone, then usually they are the ones to mistrust' Is he doing something wrong do yu think. I would tell him to piss off and leave you alone and get a decent bloke who will value your needs and opinions love.

Answer 9

Sounds to me he has serious trust issues. I am going to assume your past is not squeaky clean (mine is not either) but no one is perfect. If he blows up over something this small and miniscule I think you are in the right. Someone who can't forgive you doesn't deserve you.

Answer 10

Get out of this marriage. You're an adult and don't need anyones permission to go anywhere.