LOST... Wondering if it is really over... Or maybe I know????

Question

I have been married for 5 years and all 5 have been rocky. We have two children, very young children, one of which has some special needs. Hubby has been both physically and verbally abusive and now I have found a yahoos personal profile by him looking for a girlfriend. He was thrown out of the house last week for violence but has since been able to come back... now this. What do I do? I am a stay at home mom which helps me take care of hospital visits and surgeries, etc... this also means I have no income of my own and virtually no prospects since I never attended college. Should I stay and act solely as roommates and let him do as he pleases or uproot my children's lives in hopes of being able to care for them alone? I'm lost.

A bit of an addition here... and thank you all so much for the answers you have given so far... I have no friends with the ability to hyelp me and no family left... I can't tell you how badly I wish I could move back to mama... but unfortunately for me (not her) she is in a better place... I do not fear him being violent toward the children, it is only toward me and mostly superficial... don't get me wrong, I know any abuse is bad regardless of whether I am one of the lucky ones with a little scratch rather than a black eye... I'm not stupid, just lost... do I stay a while and try to save up the child support I recieve from my first child in order to have something to leave with? do I take my three sweet children to a shelter three weeks before Christmas? What kind of time schedule should I be on? I don't want to hurt my children or myself for that matter...

I wanted to thank you all for answers... yeah, i guess i knew all along. I'm just scared... no money, rent is paid here week to week, no family to lean on... like I said...LOST. You are all probably so right. I even appreciate the couple who said "stay and try if you feel you must". That is unfortunately what I will do although I do know, it is over... just a matter of time. Really, how could I ever trust him? Ever? So, a big, fat THANK YOU.. to you all! Trevopr, lucy, dolly, sweetie, pretty, not interested, Deanna (I might just email you!!), YADDA (you can probably expect one also, such a voice of reason), in love, doodles, suzy, jval, KB, Wayne (and, yes, it is definitely his profile, he already admitted it and "apologized") JD, Florida, jest... And AlB thank you also for the website....I will check it out. Tears here and despair but maybe if you all think I can do this... then maybe I can.

Keeping, David and zerotime.... Thank you all, also.
David... good observation, I didn't even notice it myself. I could go into this but I don't know if I would be honest with myself. I could argue both sides of the love factor for the next ten years, i think....lol.

ZeroTime... your story hit me. No pun intended... The abuse I deal with is nothing like that, Thank God, but i suppose in time it could go there. I think about my children comstantly, not daily, but constantly... about what they are learning and i talk to them about it, my two oldest understand to some degree... but in any case, it could still steer them wrong. Thank you for your input, I will NOT lay it aside.

Answer 1

Find some strenght and courage girl. You can do it on your own. Do not raise those kids in in enviornment that is emotionally and physically abusive and not to mention, completely disrespectful and dysfunctional. You can do it on your own, but it is going to be hard and you are going to have your work cut out. I was a single mother of 3 and worked 2 jobs and went to school, but I manage, and now I have a great relationship and things have gotten easier. It took a lot of struggling to get where I am at though now. Call the battered womans hotline to get some help. They will help you find a place to go so that you can leave and they will help you get on your feet and your kids too. Look for other options and dont' keep yourself trapped in this relationship any longer. It is not good for you or the kids. Good luck and if you ever need someone to talk to or need some words of encouragement, You can always message me.

Answer 2

Wow. Oh my goodness sweetheart...I'm so sorry.
Well the best thing you can do is talk to him when he's calm. Tell him how you feel and see how he reacts.
As far as I can tell, that man won't change so soon. It's hard to deal with a man who is violent.

The best thing you can do is move out of the house with your children. Ask your mom or any friends you have if you can live with them for a while.
Since you don't work, research a place that helps women going through the same situation you are. There are places where they can find you shelter and help you take care of your kids.
Don't worry so much about not having a college education. I know lots of people that have been successful without even having a high school diploma. All you need is to have some faith in yourself, be strong and stay focused. + Don't believe your husband if he tells you he's going to change. They just don't. Jerks like him should be single cuz no one wants them. :)

Answer 3

CC, you need to get out of there! This is a difficult time for you, being a stay at home mom with a special needs child and another young one. You don't deserve the physical and verbal abuse your husband is heaping on you. You are better than that! I take it you were the one who let him back in the house after he was violent. I understand where you are coming from but you need to see it's not you causing the problems, it's HIM. If he has a profile out there looking for a girlfriend, you need to make a copy of that and scrape together whatever funds you can (in cash). Find a woman's shelter and take your two innocent babies with you. The local police department can help you with this, or you can find it in the yellow pages. You will find protection there until you can come up with a plan. Believe me, these places know how to help you--you're not alone!

Your husband still must provide insurance and still must provide child support for those two children. You are capable of making an income, even without a college degree. You can make this work! You are obviously quite literate and don't have that hurdle to face. Lots of places offer on the job training and even pay for college costs once you've been employed there for awhile. You might be able to arrange for time off with hospital visits, etc., if you explain this to a potential employer. There have been people in your position before. You might even apply at a hospital so you have access to the facilities.

If you don't want to leave your house, then you need to force him to leave. That sounds a lot more dangerous to me in your case, however, and I don't recommend it. I know this is a difficult time for you. I've been there myself. Just trust yourself, trust your instincts, and remove yourself and your babies from that situation. It cannot be helpful to have an abusive man, even if it is their father, in the immediate vicinity. The roommate thing doesn't work--trust me on that one. I tried it. It is too difficult!

God bless you, CC. I will be remembering you in my prayers.

Answer 4

Throw him out and do it for good. You don't need any more reason than that he is physically and verbally abusive to you. NOBODY should have to put up with that. If you can't find the self esteem at the moment to do this for yourself then look at it this way - what message are you giving to your kids by letting him stay and behave "as he pleases"? You're showing them that men treat women that way and that women accept it. Whether you have sons or daughters, either way, surely that is not what you want for your kids?

The problems that lie ahead of you may seem insurmountable now, and there will be times when you will struggle, but you will be okay. You need supportive friends, family if you have them, a good lawyer, some self respect and probably a good therapist. Its never too late to make your life how you want it to be.

Answer 5

GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW!!! If you think he is going to be anything other than abusive toward your children, you had better think again. You have a duty as a parent to protect those kids, and as a human being to protect yourself. I was in a similar situation and didn't leave until he started beating my son for not being able to tie his shoes (he was 2 at the time). After 12 years of therapy, I still worry that my children are going to seek out abusive partners when they grow up. Being a single mom with kids with special needs is difficult, no lie, but there are tons of programs and support groups out there. YOU CAN DO IT!!! You may have a couple of tough years while you go through school and work part time, but you need to respect yourself and your children. I got lots of counseling - it took 5 years before I was able to trust again - and I strongly suggest you do the same.

Answer 6

This is one of the most difficult questions I've ever seen on YA.
So here's what I got for ya;

-Sounds like the marriage is dying, five rocky years + abuse does not = improvement coming.

-Uprooting your children's lives is bad, yes, but so is placing them in a home filled with abuse and violence. Think: if you were giving them up for adoption, would you give them to the single mother or the violent home?

-You're ill child will have trouble recovering if s/he is stressed with fighting parents.

-Could you really live as roommates? Detached like that? Or would there always be emotions/anger/tension and fights?
-What will your kids think if he brings a girlfriend home? Could you stop him from doing that? Would he do it just to be vindictive to you?

-What do YOU want? Leaving could provide you with some freedom, as well as being able to focus on your children / health without using up so much energy with your husband.

I don't know where you live, but here a woman on welfare doesn't have to work until her kids are over 5 years old. (Since daycare's so expensive). It'd be a poorer life, but a calmer one, a safer one.

Answer 7

I think children are so precious and they deserve the best that you can give them.If being his roommate will offer the best things out of life for you and your children then stay.But if you really want your children and yourself to have a much better life then trust in God and know that he will make a way for you.I think everything has to begin with God.Have faith in him and he will turn your life around.Don't settle for less.Except nothing but the best.Believe in yourself so when your children get older,they can look back on this situation and see that you never gave up on them.You can do anything you put your mind to and that might sound cliche but it's so true.I work with a single parent who also has two children and she does a great job considering the fact that she doesn't make a lot of money.You can do it!!Have a little faith!!You'll be surprised how far you'll go in life.Make it better for those precious children of yours.They're worth it!

Answer 8

The difference between where you're at and the shelter is a peace of mind. You have to start some where. If you stay it's only going to get worst. You can get so much assistance with three children and especially with a special child. Do some research on women shelters. The quicker you leave the closer you are to a peace of mind. Once you get on your feet you could go back to school.

Answer 9

Sounds like you know what you need to do.
Abuse needs to be dealt with. No one should put up with physical or verbal abuse.
Are you sure that it is his yahoo profile? If so and you ask him about it, the abuse may continue.
Do you have any other housing options? Friends/family, etc?
Will he agree to stop the abuse if you are only "roommates"?
He needs to be able to provide support for you and your children.
Call a local women's abuse hot-line and get some options with out letting him know what is going on.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

It's over. There's no respect left in the marriage. Time to look for a job (no matter how simple it is) and be an independent mom. In the meantime, ask your parents/family if they can help babysit your children while you're at work. Children shouldn't be exposed in an abusive environment.