MORE: Why do I hate my boyfriends children? Help!?

Question

Okay, so I asked this question a minute ago and I recieved some responses... Yes, I know it is an immature way of think. I am only 23 and have never been with a guy with children. One major issue with this, is we had been dating for 4 months before he even mentioned them. I had no idea he had kids. This came as shock to me and it's not that I hate the children themselves. It's that I hate the thought of them being his. I hate hearing him talk about about them and I hate to see him with them. If we weren't so compatible together, I would have left a long long time ago. I guess my real question should have been, How do I get over the hate in my heart for him having children or is that even possible?

We talk about this all of the time. It's been a year and a half since I found out and he said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose me. I feel disgusted with myself for the hate I feel, but I can't deny my feelings. This guy makes me happy, but the thought of his children break my heart. I don't want to feel this way... He rarely sees them, so those of you that are saying he's a good father and they come first, you're wrong. That may be part of the issue. My father left when I was five and I don't know if the jelousy of seeing him with his kids is because he's their father, or because he's not a good father. Sometimes I wonder if he was a good father, would I have left already. Maybe the fact that they're never around is the only reason this had worked for so long. With that said how do I know which path to take because it's wrong for them not to be in his life, but I don't think I'd be there if they were.

I also want to say that I have never and would never take my feeling out on his children. They have absolutely no idea how I feel. They have always had fun with me and I treat them as if they were my own. I just don't want to get too far into a relationship (though I believe it's already past that point) and become bitter. I love the man, I love the children, I HATE that they are his.

Answer 1

It sounds like you are jealous and bitter. I don't understand why him having kids bugs you so much, but kids can feel feelings of hate and resentment, so if you can't get yourself in check and under control, then maybe it would be best if you leave this man a lone and go find another man who is single and doesn't have kids, because these feelings aren't fair to him or the kids. I am sure he waited so long to tell you to see if the relationhsip was even going to go anywhere, so he could spare his kids from going through a bunch of changes and meeting some woman who wasn't going to be there in the long run. He told you had kids 4 months later, when he felt you and him could have a future, and trusted you enough to let you inside and meet the kids. Then you repay him with hating the kids and resenting him for having them. You sound like an immature jerk

Answer 2

Oh, honey...This is something that should have been settled on the first date...It's not you who are vulnerable in this situation. It's the children. Do you plan on marrying this guy? Are all the other qualities worth it? If you hate his kids, then you should not be with him! I would hate to have you as a stepmother to my children! The things my babies would suffer because of my ex's new wife! If you do end up marrying this guy, perhaps you should take some courses in parenting. If they are loud, obnoxious, whiny, annoying...welcome to parenthood! Kids will be kids. And what kids today need are good, strong, loving role models that don't resent them for just being. I'm afraid to say you are behaving selfishly. If you hate his kids, honey, you aren't compatible. Sorry. I hope this helps. You know now that you have a choice, right? Do you want to stay and potentially ruin innocent children or do you want to go out and find a man that doesn't have kids yet? Think lllooonnnggg and hard before answering. And remember that you don't know these children. And they don't know you. Maybe they don't like the idea of daddy loving someone who isn't mommy? Good luck!

Answer 3

If I were dating someone who had children, I'd expect to hear about them right away - they should be the most important people in his life. I bet he'd have some very amusing stories to tell about them, too.

For him to hide this for four months is terrible. He was in the wrong. Even though you are compatible, if he hid having children from you, what else is he hiding?

I don't think that you are a bad person, or selfish for that matter, I think you are transferring your anger toward him on his children. It's like your subconsciously blaming them for his omission. I would consider him deceitful.

My bet is that things would have been different had you known right away. You could have backed off if his children were a deal breaker, or could have gotten to know him better and appreciate another facet of his life. How a man treats his children speaks volumes.

As far as getting over your resentment toward his children, it may be best to discuss his omission with him.

Children would never be a deal breaker for me. When I was seeing a guy who never mentioned his kids for five months (he slipped) I ended the relationship immediately.

Good luck, I hope you do what is right for you.

Answer 4

Only you can answer that question.

You're on the right track, you just need to take it a bit further.You asked --- Why do I hate my boyfriend's children?
You answered this when you said --- I hate the thought of them being his. I want you to get a piece of paper and a pencil and go through the exercise of writing this out, this time adding the word 'because' after each of your answers. You've already got a good start on this so I'll show you what it should look like---

Why do I hate my boyfriend's kids?

Because...

I hate the thought of them being his.

Because...

I hate hearing him talk about them and I hate to see him with them.

Because...

Now it's your turn to answer this for yourself. Maybe you don't like the idea of your boyfriend dividing his loyalties between his kids and you. Maybe you just want him all to yourself. At any rate this exercise is a great way to get to the core of a matter --- to know exactly what you're feeling and why. Then you can begin to deal with the real issue.

Good luck...

Answer 5

My boyfriend has 2 kids. We met online and I knew before our first date that he had kids. I've never dated someone with kids before, and being recently divorced he never had to tell someone new about his kids. He was kind of nervous about introducing me to the kids, but they did know about me and for awhile he told them I was just a friend. At least until we knew where the relationship was going.

As for me, I was terrified. We've been together for awhile now and there are still times when I'm worried that I'll do or say something my boyfriend won't like. I'm worried about overstepping my boundaries where the kids are concerned. But do I hate the kids? No. Do I hate seeing my boyfriend with them and hearing him talk about them? Of course not.

Ask yourself this question...Is it the kids themselves, or the fact that they aren't YOUR kids? Could it be that, at 23, you just aren't ready for the responsibility of kids even if they are just step-kids? Or is it the fact that your boyfriend didn't tell you he had kids right from the beginning? You might want to do some thinking about the real reason you feel this way and I hate to be the one to tell you this but it could be that the best thing for all of you is for you to end the relationship. Maybe you'll be lucky enough to uncover a reason for what you describe as hate that will allow the relationship to continue. But whatever happens, please don't stay with someone unless you are able to accept and enjoy the totality of who they are - including being a parent.

Answer 6

I think you have some very deep issues over this that maybe you should seek counseling over. Else if you marry this guy, you will end up being the wicked step-mother. I have step-children, and I have never felt like that. You really need to think about what would happen if you should have children with this man. You would be so full of hate and resentment that it would consume you. I really think you should end the relationship as this guy and his children are going to be absolutely miserable around you. There has to be a reason why he would hide the fact he had kids in the first place from you.

Answer 7

I understand you don't hate the children, but it's obvious you hate the fact that he had a relationship prior to yours...and the kids are reminders of that. If it's really tearing you apart, you better break up with him...before you become an evil step-mother whom the KIDS end up hating!!

Answer 8

Its called JELOUSY, but to be jealous of a child is sooooo inmature though, ill give you points for the fact that he hid the children subject for 4 months, he was just waiting to have you wrapped around his finger so you wouldnt leave if you found out he had children, hes got you where he wanted you in the first place.]
how many kids? was he married before? or just the type of guy that likes to have kids with diferent women? maybe youre next!

Answer 9

Your kind of a sick person aren't you? Abandoned by your father, probably in and out of bad relationships with men? Yea you are a real piece of work. But hey the flip side to this is here is the perfect guy for you, he has had two women pregnant and not fathered one of the children. This sounds like the perfect solution for you, so when he leaves you also with a child you can continue in the "victim role" you have gotten so well at playing.

Answer 10

The problem is not his children; but his betrayal. You don't hate his children, you hate the lie.
You have been involved with a man who kept a very important secret from you...a very important part of who he is. It's like you were dating a myth.

He only told you now, because he has only just become serious about you. You should assume that your "boyfriend" has been seeing other women the whole time.

Redirect the hate to your so-called boyfriend-where it belongs-and dump him while your still young and before you start pretending to care about his children.