Is my life over...who would agree that i dont really have any future?

Question

im 30 years old, i have borderline personality disorder.

ive had a very hard, traumatic, distressfull life, all my life.

i was sexually abused as a toddler...to summerize my life, i have been bullied throughout secondary school...never gained qualifications.....suffered street assaults.....been mugged when i lived in rough areas....spent 18 months in a psychiatric hospital....because i said things to psychiatrists as a cry for help...i made myself out to be dangerous......i have a criminal record for a common assault....carrying a knife when i lived in a dangerous area.
im actively trying to get help from the psychiatric services....but it feels as though im stigmad...& im being ostracized by people.
for a long time now...whenever i go out...people have this standoffish, aloofness towards me........i get stared at...lingering looks from people.....like im being singled out.

this behaviour from people has been happening to me for a long time, but ive tried to ignore it.

i accept that i have anger problems, that ive had for a long time.
but iam seeking help and trying to control it..

but its bothering me that people are treating me like a dog with
rabies.
street thugs glance at me........ordinary people...buisiness women.

i find it very distrubing like im being singled out, treated differently.

my thoughts are constantly racing...i have extreme anxiety which keeps
me in my flat most times.....im only going out when i have to.

years ago i used to have anger outbursts and get myself into dangerous
confrontations....i didnt purpousfully set out to...but they would
just happen to me when i went out....like a build up of tension.

im not proud of this and im trying to get help...ive been refered for
psychotherapy...but my psychiatrist wont perscribe me medication...
because he said their addictive and i dont have a chemical imbalance.

so im sorting a second opinion.
my goals are to have a loving partner...love and acceptence from people.
a home in a coastal village town and a ok job....all the things ive never had.

ive never had been in a relationship ever...never gained any qualifications.
never been employed....made any friends.
im aging badly in my face......i have 2 missing teeth...im bald...i have torn
ankle ligaments.....a crooked little finger...due to an injury.

overall, i feel im trying.....but why are people treating me like this?

people are treating me weird......looking at me and i dont desrve it......im being singled out.......ostracized.

i live in a flat with no posessions except a computer.....im on sickness benifits

pazza_se... : i dont agree - you dont understand or havent a clue about my predicament :

Answer 1

look, I will be blunt with you.
you have to stop victimizing yourself, that will get you no where, you are going to sit and sulk and think why has this happened to me, oh poor old me, why couldn't i be like that bastard crossing the street over there.
well its pure and simple, you are dealt a hand of cards, sometimes they are good sometimes they are crap, but the point is, how do you make use of what you have?
you can't go relying on other people to solve what issues you have, no medicine, no human, nothing will make you get better unless you work on YOUR SELF, get your GED, get a job, doesn't matter what it is even if its fliping burgers at a dinner..
And stop judging people, you judge them when you say they look at me like a dog, how on earth do you know whats going through their minds, it's not abnormal to look at people in the street, you look at them they will look at you,
practice what you preach if you don't want to be judged then stop judging.
If you want to be treated well then treat people the way you would like to be treated. Its as simple as that, and don't expect that it will be easy its hard, some people are good and others are *** holes thats just how it is.
Remeber one thing YOU PROJECT WHAT YOU ARE TO OTHERS! body language speeks louder than words!
and when you get angry don't take it out on another person, or yourself, just write down what angers you get it out of your system, get a punching bag and punch but acting all tough and being a hard *** will get you no where but in trouble.
You need to stop blaming others and you need to stop relying on others and in short take control of your life, because honestly to me you seem smart enough to have a good life.

Answer 2

Get the psychiatric assistance as quickly as possible. Personally , I would try to open up a little bit to other people. Paranoia seems to be creeping in on you! They aren't out to get you, they just have their own set of problems to deal with! Most of them probably have their head up the butt anyway, so pay them no mind! Try to be a bit more open minded and get out to new areas, good places that you don't normally go to and see some new things. If you make acquaintances, treat them nicely and openly, you never know what could happen. For all the other stuff, (the bad things that have happened), keep yourself out of harms way and try to forget the past! Good Luck!

Answer 3

Find a new doctor and get on some meds. Then find a good therapist to help you sort out some of what's going on in your head. Here's a yahoo group you might like to join. You may not be bipolar but I'm sure you would relate to the borderlines.
[e-mail]
Good luck. Look for some reason I don't think the link is coming through. Email me [e-mail] and I'll give it to you.

Answer 4

You've writen a lot, in a short space of time, yes you have problems and yes ok your life probably hasn't been so good and so far it hasn't turned out to be anything that you had hoped it one day would. That does not however mean that it one day won't be something you want.
You seem to be searching for help, you appear to want to be labeled as having a real psychological illness, as though this would explain everything, about you, about the way you live and the reasons why you are unhappy, but it won't be like that. I would not try and imagine what you might be feeling, but I think you would benefit from perhaps thinking about someone else for a little while (not in a they had it worse way) but just in a get out of your own head for a bit way, sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.
Destructive thinking is like a cancer, it eats away at self respect and hope. You cannot know whether a drug therapy would be suitable for you, yes some of them are addictive, but I think the main reason why your Dr wouldn't give them to you is because you expect them, they will not solve the underlying problems you have. I'd suggest you keep getting professional help, but remember you are not qualified or objective enough to know what is best for you when it comes to therapies and treatment options. Every person is different, you have to put some faith in the people that are trying to help you, stop thinking that they are out to get you or you will never make any progress.
I can't say for sure that none of the people who encounter you won't make judgements or give you funny looks etc, but I can say that realistically NOT everyone around you will be doing this. The more you think this the further away you will slip from others, you need to be connected to others, to find the strenghth to get through this, I don't know if you have friends or family, but whatever you have got, use it. Sometimes you can't fight everything and everyone on your own, so don't, pick the most important things in your life and fight for them. You need to get out more, you need to integrate yourself, it takes time, and you have to be willing to think of others as you can come across as pretty self involved and thats hard for people to get past, any friendship or relationship is a two way thing. If you want to be taken seriously with your doctors etc, don't make stuff up, be honest about real problems you have, you don't have to glam it up to get help, but if you abuse the help that is available it won't be there again for you. If you want to make changes in your life, start small, change your thinking, and attitude, approach things with a better out-look, I know it sounds cliche, but you have to try to fail, and every time you fail, you are one step closer to finding the right thing that will help you.
Good luck.

Answer 5

I have no idea what to inform you related to the beyond problems, however related to the staring limitation, perhaps get a haircut and a few new garments and deliver your self in a extra wiped clean up, legitimate method, that can aid your experience of self, when you consider that to be blank and appear well normally occasions is helping individuals perceptions of themselves. Its valued at a shot.

Answer 6

i cant say that i understand what your going through but i can say that you shouldnt feel that way it sounds to me that you are in need of a realy good friend
some one that wouldnt judge you bc of the way you are
you need some one that sees you for the person u are inside

im 18 and expecting a baby soon my life is on track and i am expecting to go to the army soon but i think we could be friends if you would like to do so

Answer 7

ok,there are friends for everyone. no matter what u look like.

simply get a mike, a game like Medal of Honor, Guild Wars, World of Warcraft(whatever),get teamspeak join a "clan" this will give u a little group of friends that you can talk to. there is hope. jus find friends. good friends....

Answer 8

I disagree. You are just in a bad environment.

Answer 9

life's not over it's just not easy... but no one promised you it would be.