My husband was unfaithful after YEARS of a good marriage?

Question

I have been married for over 14 years. My husband and I have three children. We have had an increadable marriage. We have always been very close, and very much in love. I recently found out that 1.5 years ago over three months he had an affair in another city.This happened over a few seperate visits to that city. The affair consisted of him taking off his wedding ring, asking a women out, taking her to dinner a couple times then it ended up in a hotel.There was no "sex" as he (as confirmed by her) stopped it.He ended the relationship right after that and has had no contact since.( I found this out by his email account which confirms his side of the story).The crazy thing is I NEVER saw this coming.We have always been so close and my hsband so caring with my heart. He is regretful and said that is why he stopped it before it got sexual. And he knows what he did was so wrong. He is doing everything he can to make this better We are seeing a marriage cousiler also. What do u think

The reason I know that sex didnt happen is the last email he sent to her stated "This is not the man I am or want to be and It has already gone too far, but I can stop it going to sex" I also called the girl (whohasnt had contact with him in 1.5 years) and she confirmed this

Answer 1

I wouldn't take it personally. Every time I go on a business trip, I get the same urge as your husband, but take it further than he did (oh boy!); and I know lots of married guys do the same. It is just a fantasy thing and a being-out-of-town thing, and it has nothing to do with you.

But, you're right, an emotional affair hurts more than a purely physical one (for example, if he went to a strip club and a stripper offered "extra services").

I had a partner who had an "emotional affair" once, and it totally changed my perspective on relationships. Now I'm much less uptight, and realize that people have needs, and we all have limited time on Earth.

Your husband sounds like a good guy. Give him a second chance.

Answer 2

I think it must hurt a lot. I also think you are very lucky that he did not take it all of the way. However, it is going to take some tears and talking to get over it. I would need therapy also if I went through this. I do know from friends that you have about a year to vent this to him, and then you will have to drop it completely or he will get sick of hearing about it and the lack of trust. You have to be certain that you can get past this. I think one way to do it is to remember older couples that you see that have been married for 50 years or more. I love when I see them, because I know that they have a bond together that no one has been able to break. Life is life and we are all active participants in it, sometimes we all do things that we never expected to and sometimes things happen to us that we never saw coming.....it is how we choose to deal with these things that makes a difference. You have a choice, either work it though and keep building on the history you have with your husband or you can divorce and start over with someone new. I wish you the best...I am sorry that this happened to you.

Answer 3

It was probably just a "man" thing...you know the grass being greener, etc.etc., but when it came right down to it, he realized that his "pasture" was pretty darn plush and green itself and that following through would only hurt the good thing he has.

If you have no firm proof that it's happened before or since, and he is truly regretful of it ever taking place, and you are still in love with him, forgive him. Keep seeing the counselor because there may be issues as to why it happened in the first place that need to be cleared up.

Answer 4

You know what, this right here is really your call. You are the only one that really knows how you really feel. I can tell you what I think, but my thoughts really don't compare. I think that people make mistakes. He said he didn't sleep with her every time it came to it, as they say. If this true then obviously he was feeling like what he was doing wasn't right. I say if you can forgive him, forgive him. It is up to you if you are willing to rectify your marriage. I say he made a mistake, and I believe that you two will still be able to get back on the right track, but you have to forgive or it won't work. He is trying to make it better, It is up to you if you if you want to work things out. But I believe you can, but you must forgive and let go. Remember love forgives, and it keeps track of no wrongs, I know its hard, but it must be done. If you can't do this then it will not work.

Answer 5

The first step is to sit down it is a proven fact to heal a marriage (that has been through a affair) your going to need to ask alot of questions and get every detail. This is so you are net left with any "what went on" to torment you in the future. It is going to be very hard your going to find yourself going through his phone, checking his e-mail, and questioning every thing he ever says to you from here on out. If you truely believe him and want to work it out then your going to have to sit down with him and tell him what your relationship is going to be like the next year or so and that is HELL. This is not something you will be over after a dozen roses and some candy. If he understands this and realizes that "yes" it will be thrown up in his face until you are ready to forgive and "no" you will never forget. Once you are ready to forgive then you should no longer bring it up. It is going to take alot of patience on his part and to be honest he will probably get sick of hearing about it, although he may never dare tell you this. How he reacts to your reaction will tell you if he is truely sorry for doing it or getting caught. I am so sorry you are going through this in the middle of the holidays I went through this last year at the same time. My hubby is in the military and I am just now ready to forgive. It has been a long hard road for both of us but thanks to good counseling and good support from family and friends I am ok now. You will be also. Good Luck! Feel free to contact me for any advice or if you just need someone to talk to who has been in your shoes. :)

Answer 6

At least he used good sense in stopping the affair before it went further and is remorseful. Give him a chance to make it better, but let him know if it happens again he's out. Seeing a marriage counselor is the right thing to do.

Answer 7

I think we all make mistakes, he stopped it before it became unrepairable. The two of you are seeking counseling, which sounds as though you are both serious about working on this marriage. This happened to me many years ago, my husband has since died. (no I did not kill him) LOL. However, his explanation to his behavior, he wanted to know if other women still found him attractive. A very hard pill to swallow, however. At least he was honest with you, and at least he did not continue the relationship, and he did not have sex with her. Sounds like a huge lapse in judgment... We all make mistakes, and it appears he is trying to repair this one... Good luck to the two of you.. God bless****

Answer 8

If he had sex, would it make it different? The fact is, he wanted to NOT be married in that city and he wanted to be with another woman. Since you are going to counseling, you need to have those desires explored. Since he is doing everything he can to make it better, your marriage has a much better chance that other ones do.

Answer 9

He was unfaithful because you two stop working on the desires of your marriage. People tend to look or go someplace else when their desires are not being met. Sometimes we have to sit down and talk to our mates about the goals we want for our relationship and the needs of each other. You have been married a long time so I would think you know by now what works and what doesn't.

Answer 10

OUCH! I'm glad that you know now, but that still does not make the pain go away. I have no idea why someone would do that, maybe just because he wanted to and he could get away with it. Keep seeing your therapist and work on re building your marriage again. GOOD LUCK!