How do you get over something like this???

Question

My marriage of seven years is ending. My soon-to-be ex has a girlfriend, who he has at his apartment, and who has become a fixture in my kids' lives there. I pick them up and get to hear all about the woman and her son, and all the fun stuff they do together.

I don't want to hate my soon-to-be ex husband. I'm going to have to deal with him and whatever lifestyle he chooses for the next fourteen years, and more, because we have two kids together, and neither of us want to lose them.

I'm not interested in making him hurt more, and I don't think going out looking for someone else three weeks after he split is that smart.

I know people get over this kind of thing, seeing as a huge percentage of marriages end in divorce, but I just can't see HOW I am going to be able to get over it.

Am I the only one who has this feeling like no one has ever hurt THIS MUCH?

Other than being vindictive, or jumping into a relationship when I still love him, what do I do?

Family provides SOME support and encouragement, and my best friend is great, but she's twelve hours away and is eight months pregnant, and I don't want to bring her down.

Answer 1

You are not the only one who hurts this much, that's for sure. You sound very smart, wise and extremely understanding, knowing you're going to have to deal with him and all. Keep your chin up and try to remember to always be the better person. I am divorced from my 15 year old daughters father - funny, it happened at 7 years also and he jumped right into a relationship. It hurt then and it still hurts, but for the sake of our daughter and my own sanity I have always tried to stay positive. Love doesn't go away. Love yourself and your children. In the long run, I'm so glad I've been able to get along with my ex and his new wife because it eases my daughter to see us this way. Not to say you won't have your moments with him. Try hard not to be vindictive and you will find peace in that. Here's a quote from a novelist that I copied somewhere along the way...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you apart pain. I hate love.”

Answer 2

I totally understand how you feel. I too am a divorcee, and it's not easy and you feel hurt, betrayed, lonely, and have about a billion unanswered questions that you probably want closure too, there is a possibility that you might get it and then again because of how the relationship is ending you might not. But keep your head up, have faith, and do nothing but love your children even more, it will not be an easy process BELIEVE ME, but with time you will be fine, and believe it or not when your ready you'll find love again, and it will be in the most unexpected and unlikely place, that's how I met my fiance of 3 years when I was in an ending bad place with my ex-husband. Draw close to family, and good friends, trust me they will help alot and lend a shoulder to lean and to cry on. It's ok to still have love for the man you were together for so long and have a beautiful family together and the history that the two of you shared and your children are going no where, and believe it or not because he's with someone else he still has hurt and regret of what he did to you as well, he probably figures that jumping into something new will take away the pain and the thoughts but since he made his bed he'll be lying in it, so don't think it's just you who feels some sort of way. I hope this kinda of helps you, much love and luck in your future endevours, it'll be a tough road but you will be so much stronger in the end.

Answer 3

Cut yourself a break. It's only been a few weeks. What you are feeling is completely normal. You are wise not to jump into another relationship. I can understand why you are hurting. All I can say is talk to the supportive family and as much as you think your friend can handle. Let it out. Even if you just write it in a journal. A journal would help anyway. It would give you a chance to re read and reflect what you wrote and what you were feeling when you wrote it. You will get past this and it will get better. I'm also glad you are mature enough not to put your kids in the middle by causing a huge fight. Take one day at a time, be there for your kids, get counseling if you think it would help too. You sound like a very level headed person, and that will help you a lot too.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, with the kids involved, you are going to hear about him & his new girlfriend. Try not to let it bother you & be happy that your kids are having a good time while they're over there.
You may want to see a therapist and/or join a support group of people in similar situations. Maybe there is a Yahoo Group where you can read/talk to others if you don't want to go in person.
Yes, it hurts a lot, but of course you're not alone. Lots of us have gone through a lot of pain & time will help. Just take one day at a time, try to stay busy, work, friends, family, activities. And resist the temptation to say negative things or have negative reactions when your ex or his girlfriend is brought up by your kids. It is best for them if they have more people in their lives who care about them.
Good luck.
(Sorry if answer is late - connection has been down)

Answer 5

Try to let it go and in due time you can. Let "i'm the better person" be your mantra.

Vindication does not solve anything and only serves to fill an unfillable void. It leaves you feeling worse the more you try.

Only enter in a relationship you want and not because of competing with him on any level.

I agree, getting involved with someone else 3 weeks later is pretty unhealthy(unless it's been longer than they admit) but in due time she too will probably see the reason you are gone. While it sounds like fun and games to your kids, they may not understand underneath what really is going on but in due time they will understand as the newness wears off of all the fun and games. Who's there when they really need them? That's your role, to show them love, caring, understanding and compassion and not just a good time.

Avoid as much badmouthing him in front of the children, unless you are defending them in direct response to something he has done to them.

Take a few deep breaths and understand this is best. Good luck!

Answer 6

I have been there so I know how you feel. And yeah, you will feel that nobody else has ever felt quite as bad as you do, they don't really understand, etc.

I think that the healing process is different for everybody, and you will have to figure out what works for you. What I did was focus on myself and trying to make me feel better. (Of course, my son was only a year old and didn't really understand what was going on.)

I bought some new clothes, started going to the gym, etc. I took up some new hobbies (yoga and volleyball) and went back to school. I also started going to church, which was great in helping me to build a support group. Some of these things might work for you, and some of them won't. It also depends on how your finances are, what kind of free time you have, etc. But you really need some YOU-time right now. It will help no matter what you do with it.

Good luck!

Answer 7

It didn't take very long to get over my husband. It did however take a long time to get over my divorce. And no, I wasn't ready to jump right back into dating. I knew there were too many issues I had to deal with before I was ready to deal with a new relationship. And it was the smartest move I made. Yes, I was lonely, very lonely. Because when I felt it was time to think about dating no one was interested and then I felt ugly. See what I mean about issues!!! I was a basket case. Until I met my husband. We've been together for almost 8 years now. He saw a woman in chains and loved me enough to help me out of them.

Answer 8

You are not the only one please believe that!! Look in your area for a support group single parents, recently divorced or check out a local church if you do not already go. Also see if your court system has a program for divorced children some areas require parents take a class on what to look for with child behavior and how to handle certain situations with them. Remember they are also hurting and confused as to why Mommy and Daddy are not living together anymore. I think your soon to be ex is stupid to expose your children to someone new so soon after a break up. What happens if this doesn't work out for him is he going to bring every women he dates around your children? How confusing for them. Anyway, Good luck. you can get through this!!!!

Answer 9

Relationship hopping is the last thing any of us should do. Tim heals, you can get on with your life, but you have to decide to move on. Occupy you time and have a level headed confidante of the same sex that you can talk to. Get invlved with a community organization or your church and establish some family time with the kids. hen set some time aside every week for just you. It may take a while but these tips will help you to adjust and become stronger.

Answer 10

It is just going to take time. There is no quick way to forget about someone you have loved for seven years. And your right you don't need to just jump into another relationship its nit fair to you or the other person. Just give it time and it will get better. Just think about the two wonderful children you have and how much they love you. Good luck.