Is my wife right to be angry at me?

Question

My wife quit her job to go back to her home country (in the far east) for a 4 months this year.
She has lived in UK with me 6 years, we go back to her country regularly because I know she misses the place.
We had her parents over here for six months last year, and I feel I have been supportive. One day may even live in her country.

However when she decided to up and go I was left with all the bills. I am not paid a lot so went overdrawn to pay the bills
while she was away.

She got a verbal job offer, which has now been withdrawn, so while I was hoping she would get back to work
and help me keep the roof over our heads, this is now not happening. She is annoyed at the job being pulled
but even more annoyed at me because I am not being supportive enough.

She gave me no choice but to support her when she went back to her home country and quit her job,
saying at the time 'you can't stop me, you can't tell me what I can an can't do.'

Fair enough, that's why we are seeing Relate at the moment. But the financial pressures are huge, and
I have suggested we sell the house if we cannot improve the financial situation. I can't, without her help.

Is she right? Have I messed up? When I ask for help, I am creating a huge problem for her, it seems.
When she asks for help - or demands it - she gets it anyway. Am I reading that wrong?

I don't know what else I could do to be supportive. I wish I could have had
a really long holiday like she has!!

I know she feels hurt and upset about being dropped by the job, but to be honest this could have happened anyway. I am being REAL about the situation, I need help too! I feel this unfair to us at a time when I thought we were getting stronger in our relationship.

Answer 1

I think your wife is very selfish, you cannot just disappear for 4 months and leave everything to you, it is no wonder the job offer has been withdrawn, businesses cannot just hold on for months while she has a holiday, she should not have gone without you anyway, I could not leave my fella for months, you sound a lovely man and way too good for her im afraid. Also you deserve a medal for having the inlaws for 6 months! I last 6 hours! I would seriously rethink your long term situation with someone who only cares about herself, you deserve better and I would tell her so! Good luck and start sticking up for yourself more, there are millions of women out there who would give anything for a lovely man like you.

Answer 2

I don't think that she was right to be angry at you - in fact it should actually be the other way around. She sounds very immature and I am guessing she is a lot younger than you. I understand that she misses her home country and her family, but she made a decision to marry you and live in the UK, so that was her choice. About the job, well, what on earth did she expect?? Employers don't offer you a job and then keep the job offer open for 4 months while she goes on holiday!! They need to fill the empty position and if she doesn't understand that then she has a screw loose somewhere.

In conclusion your wife needs to take some responsibility for the financial burden you are facing as any mature married person would do. I am afraid all you can do is be stern and start laying down the lay instead of pandering to her needs. If she goes and runs away again you know that she's a waste of time.

Answer 3

I don't think she has a right to be mad at you. Were you needing both incomes to support yourselves? If yes, then you have the right to be upset with her for quitting her job and taking off and not having another job to help you out with the bills. One income only goes so far these days when one stays at home and the other is traveling. Was it her spending while she was gone that added the hardship to paying the bills or was there another reason? Your spending perhaps? It is hard to say.

To me sounds like you have been very supportive of her but she isn't being supportive of you. I would tread lightly around this subject for the time being and watch your back. Do not give up your hopes and dreams to follow something that may not be going anywhere anymore. It sounds like she would like to return to her home country permantly and you are unsure if you want to give up what you have to please her. The relationship is a two way street. Don't forget that and don't let her tell you that you can't stop her, if she wants to go, let her go and don't follow, just cut her off or give her small allowence in which she will have no choice but to get a job or come home. If she comes home it was meant to be, if not set it free.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

It kinda sounds like " it's her way, or the highway".

You may have to stop living by her word & decisions - and take a stand. If you do take a stand - you will need to be strong enough to hold your own with her. She won't like it .. and she may push you to the extreme. You will need to stand firm.

If you & she depended on BOTH of your salaries to pay the bills - then she should have been responsible enough not to abandon the bills & you when she left. You are her husband - and she not only told you that you can't tell her what to do .. she showed you that you can't. For some people - that would have been enough. It is your decision whether to take that .. or not take that.

It seems that you might be acting upon her approval on everything. Since she is not being a contributor now .. maybe you should see if you can be strong enough to do what you see fit for your situation. What would happen to her if you went somewhere and quit your job - and left her there with everything to support?

The first thing you will need to do is to learn to handle her. If she has the attitude of the things you said above .. then she is running all over you. You need to get in control of your situation with her. Since she has done these things .. she probably thinks she can do whatever she wishes to you .. and the situation.

It sounds like you have been very acommodating by letting her parents stay for 6 months ... her going back home .. quitting her job to do it .. and leaving you with bills which her salary was needed to assist with .. allowing her to talk to you in such a manner .. plus - you support her when she won't help .. when you really need help to keep you & her afloat right now.

I don't understand what you have done for your wife to be angry at you for. In fact - she is the one who has done things .. and seems to owe you an apology.

Just know - you don't have to take this from her. It seems she may not have much respect.

Answer 5

Sounds like your wife is a being a bit irrational. I don't know why she would quit her job to go "home", when you said her parents had just visited for 6mos.?

Anyway, with or without your wifes "help" You need to make sure you keep a roof over your head, etc... You are just going to have to make her understand that the bills effect BOTH of you (also Credit wise too!! Both of you will have Bad Credit if things get too behind!) and she needs to do her part, as you cannot meet all the financial obligations by yourself.

She needs to get over not getting the "verbal job" , and get out there and Find Another Job !! You are Both in it together!! Good Luck !!!

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you are a push over and she knows it. So she is just going to tell you what she will and won't do. A marriage doesn't work that way. It is 50/50. If she is telling you 100 % what she is going to do and doesn't think about things that will affect you both in the long term then she is being self centered. You need to just sell the house and get out of debt. Tell her you had to because of the fiances she wouldn't help with. If she has a problem with it tell her to send you some money or come back and get a job.

Answer 7

She is being completely selfish if she thinks any of this is your fault. She chose to leave her country, she chose to marry a person not from her country and she chose to pick up and leave. Frankly if I was in your shoes, she wouldn't have as much understanding as she has gotten from you. She seems to think this marriage is all about her and her needs, and so far you have been letting her get away with that. She lost the offer and she is upset, but that isn't on you. She wouldn't have needed an offer if she didn't quit her job. I think you need to stop being so supportive. If she truly cared for you, she wouldn't have left you in such a lurch.....

Answer 8

IT sounds as thouggh your marriage may be in more trouble than just financial. Do you really want to be together? does she? have you asked her? I would tell her that your putting the house on the market unless she comes home and helps you sought out the mess you are both in. If she refuses then you know her heart is not in the relationship as it should be and you need to question yourself whether you could stay like this until she 'decides' to return. I doubt she will return if she knows there a huge financial burden at home - would you?

Answer 9

It seems to me that you are not being unfair at all. She is the one that wants to be taken care of, do what she wants when she wants to with no regard to your feelings at all. I would tell her either she must help with the household bills or stop traveling all over the world, especially since she is not working and has all this free time on her hands. So the job she wanted fell thru. It happens to everyone every day. Tell her she wants to keep traveling GET A JOB AND PAY FOR IT HERSELF. You should not be in a relationship with her when eveything is all up to you. That is no marriage at all. Good Luck to you.

Answer 10

Wow! First of all, sorry for your stress! I believe there are two sides to every story, but having said that and based on the information you posted here, you are right and she is wrong. Big decisions like finances and vacations need to be decided upon and worked out as a family. If you were preventing her from seeing her family, that is one thing but it doesn't sound like you were doing that at all. I think you two may have some communication issues that need to be worked out. Good luck and once again, sorry to hear about this stressful situation of yours.