Separated for only 3 days, and he's asked someone out on a date.?

Question

We were together for almost 5 years, married for almost 3, separated for only 3 days, and I've found out that he's asked someone out on a date today.

I feel so cheap, so used, as though I meant nothing.

Am I being stupid for thinking/feeling like this? Can anyone help me?

For more info ... check out my other questions:

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ao6DWFm3vi3msgldeFFwhe3g5gt.;_ylv=3?qid=20071128182026AARYI7S
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=An1tIRtD1kQr8qpelwkUobng5gt.;_ylv=3?qid=20071128212213AAYxJhz

There's a whole lot more depth to the 5 years that we were together, but I honestly can't be bothered reliving it here.

The response is overwhelming, and I must thank all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts/opinions.

We aren't legally separated. I honestly didn't even know we had to make separation legal.

I spent the last 5 years fending for him, caring for him, and taking his lies and all the other crap. I NEVER gave him any reason to doubt me for whatever reason.

I lost my friends and personal dreams in this relationship, but it didn't matter ... because I chose him. And I eventually lost myself.

So to find out he can so easily replace me tells me he can't even respect what we had.

Thanks again for the Answers - even the not so helpful ones.

Answer 1

This is a lot like what just happened to me. After over four years together, my ex-fiance broke up with me over the phone while I was on the other side of the country (two days before thanksgiving too). He didn't even want me to come back and he wanted to just send me my stuff. It had been coming for awhile, but the way he did it was cowardly and cruel. I didn't think I could feel any worse, but a week later, while he was helping me box-up my belongings, I found a pair of high heels in the car. Long story short: he admitted he'd started "going out" immediately after he dumped me. I forced him to sit through me guilt-trip him for a long time and he eventually begged for forgiveness and broke down crying. He said he still loves me a lot and he only did it in an attempt to get over me. But I think he's still doing it and I'm sure there's more to it than he's telling me.

It's been excruciatingly hard to cope with this. I wanted to be with him forever and now I want to kill him. Nothing really helps right now except the right attitude. I tried to go pick up a pair of shoes of my own to return the favor, but the idea of being with another man made me sick. I am starting to feel better little by little. I recommend telling him how you feel (with some restraint to avoid too much drama). Don't you dare tell yourself this is your fault, that you are overreacting, that you're stupid, that you're not good enough for him. Those are all lies. We can both be proud that we didn't do what they did to us because it means we are stronger. I may never be able to get the imagined images of him with another woman out of my mind, but I know that I will eventually find someone who will treat me with more love and respect. It doesn't matter if a couple are married or separated, or if they were never married to begin with. Love doesn't understand labels and time lines. The heart is never wrong to feel what it does. They cheated on us because they knew we had every right to be deeply hurt by their actions, but they did it anyway. My head's advice to both our hearts is this: forget in the short term and forgive in the long term. They definitely aren't worth our tears.

Answer 2

wow. Maybe that is why he left he was having feelings for this girl and was strayed away. It wasn't your fault just know that he made a poor decision in a very very poor way. he married you and he needs to be man enough to tell you what is going on. Don't feel cheap. He is a loser. You need to just go see a counselor, yes he is the one who needs help but you need to talk to someone and it does help. Counseling helps to let it out build your confidence back up so you can move on. Do you know who he asked out and does she know he is still married. the same thing happened to me when my hubby left of 10 years together 12 I found out a week later he had been dating someone at work. And this after telling me (him the manager) he had to lay into some guy sexually harrassing some chick at work lol. I called that same guy and asked how long have they been dating and he had no idea lol and it spread the the job the owner found out demoted my hubby and she ended up quiting a very good job before getting fired. lol. Needless to say a week later she dumped his ass ;p anyway my point is karma will kick him in the ass. It seems petty but let the girl know about you and the marraige and how hurt you are you had no idea. She will definately turn him down knowing what a loser he is and meanwhile go to counseling go back to school get some hobbies, go out with friends and stay away from him make him feel like hes nothing to you. The trust is basically gone, how are you to every trust this man again?

Answer 3

You may have only been separated for three days, but I'll bet cash that this date has been on the sidelines for a while. Don't feel cheap. If anyone should feel cheap, it should be your husband. How dare he use you and discard you like you were nothing! Your best bet is to offload this guy and move on with your life. Things will never be the same between you again, and you will never be able to trust him again. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I had to do it, too, but I am way better off now than I was with him.

Answer 4

This really sucks.

There's little worse than separating, except for maybe finding out your beloved has been "separated" longer than you have...

His actions are indicative of his worth...not yours.

And I'll bet you a dollar that as soon as you stop acting hurt and start acting like you don't give a rat's butt about him, suddenly he will "realize what he's lost" and come crying back. If he does that, try to think with your head instead of your heart. He would owe you a great deal of "proving" before you even consider taking him back.

At least you didn't waste 15 years of your life on this turkey...(like I did...)

Answer 5

Hope your not coming to conclusions. If it's true then he has moved on. Sometimes what you wish and want in your life may not be what your ex wants. I'm in your situation. Expect I can't or say that she is dating. Your not being stupid and it's normal to feel the way you do. Accpet the truth and try to be happy. Counseling or trying to work things out would of been something I would of done, not going out on a date with some other woman.

Answer 6

Well no how can you not feel hurt or used. Even if you want the breakup it doesn't make it any less painful for you. You really cared and you can't throw away 5 years in 3 days. It will take time to feel better and move on but you can do it.

Answer 7

That's a rough one. I too a going through a divorce. I was the one to end it. I had not been happy and I was ready to move on before he even left. When someone decides they are done, they don't feel they should put their lives on hold any longer. Maybe that's his way of making sure it's all going to be ok for him. Let him go. Obviously you two split for reasons. You love yourself and know that happiness isn't an illusion. I know for me, I want to live happily ever after or die trying. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

If you are the one who initiated the separation- He is trying to make you jealous. Guys don't know that women just get pissed and become filled with resolve of steel when they move on so quickly. I can imagine you feel he must not care. Keep in mind he is a guy, they are a breed of their own.

I suggest you make yourself loud and clear how you feel about him dating. Men need VERY CLEAR boundaries. If there is any hope in getting back together, he will need to respect your feelings.

If he initiated the separation- he had motive and now you know what it was.

Answer 9

I think I would feel that way too. But maybe it will be what he needs to realize hes got what he needs with you already.

Maybe this will help him find out what he really wants. But separation is hard because its not quite like you are not together but its not like you are together.

I don't think you are being stupid. You are still attached to him and you are still married although legally separted. I would try my best to not think about what hes doing and think about what you want to do. I would do something that you really couldn't do when you were married.

But my main concern is when and if you guys get back together are you going to be angry with him for dating other people even though you guys are separted?

Answer 10

I would definitely say that he has had this going on longer than he may have led you to believe. I know it hurts,...but my suggestion is that you not give up. Do you love him? Fight for him. Beef up the competition. What was it that attracted you two together in the first place? Males are chemically wired by God himself to be attracted to women and want sex. Spice it up a bit and put up a fight for him. Plead with him...give him fantastic sex! We dive into marriage for better or for worse....well, honey,...he is at his worse right now. I know it hurts and I'm sorry. If you can turn it over to God right now,...through your anger and pain,...He can and will change your spouses feelings towards you. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. We live in a crazy world that does not respect marriage and I know it is tough, but hang in there.