women, married or not please respond?

Question

women who are married, how often do you pull the wife 'card'? I'm extremely submissive, but thinking of just this once going against my hubby. He has moved his brother in with us, post prison time, he is a freeloader, we pay all of his bills, he does nothing to help out financially or chores in general. he has repeatedly lied to us, asked us to lie to the Govn't for him, and I found out he is sleeping with my cousin!, its been 3 months since he's been living with us and still has no job. I am seriously contemplating kicking him out while my hubby is at work, I have expressed my great discontent to my hubby about thw entire situation, but all he says is "my bro needs time to get on his feet". Would I be the worst wife in the world if I just kicked him out while my hubby is at work? I can't handle it anymore! What should I do?

Answer 1

You are in a serrious pickle of a situation. I too went through this problem.

After only six months of marriage, I allowed my husband (now ex husband!) to move his 19 year old brother in. Their mother had passed away, and their father remarried just three short months after their mother passed. The brother and the stepmother hated each other. I felt sorry for him (I was a complete idiot).

The rules of the house I laided out BEFORE he moved in were very easy, and everyone agreed to them (they completely lied).
1 He had to finish high school, or get a GED
2 No smoking (I have serrious asthma).
3 He had to get a job and help pay his share of the bills.

We arrived at the bus stop to pick him up...he was smoking. At that moment, I should have insisted we keep driving, but I didn't.

So Upchuck moved in, and my life became totall He!!. Suddenly my spouse began saying things like "Blood is thicker than water." Meaning his brother (blood) was more important that our marriage (water). That was about the least abusive thing he said.

I imediatly found out his brother had an eating disorder. I made a HUGE casserol that should have lasted all of us for three dinners, plus left overs. I came home from work and found Upchuck had eaten the entire thing. He's also purposely microwaved silverware, so I was out one microwave. Did I mention this was day two of him coming to live with us?

Suddenly I had to shop every single day for groceries, because non could be kept in the house, or he would eat them all...no I'm truely not kidding. I already spent 2-3 hours a day commuting to work...I certainly didn't want to shop daily.

Our grocery bill went up by 75% with just one more person (and me controling what was bought!). My spouse (can't stand calling him "husband," because he wasn't one) began to give him money, so Upchuck could go buy cigarettes, and go to movies, because he was bored.

Upchuck refused to get a GED, or finish High School, and he was smoking in the house, when we were at work.

Suddenly our rent began to get behind, and our power was being shut off. My spouse tried to force ME (!!!!) to get a second job, I refused. Finally he filled out an application with his brother (completely lied on it) and got him a job working the same place he was (after living with us over a year!).

I was relieved, there was going to be money for rent and power! How very, very wrong I was.

My spouse insisted Upchuck be allowed to spend his money however he wanted, because he'd never had his own money, and had had a rough time with their mother dying and all

So Upchuck was spending every dime on bags and bags of hostess cupcakes, and other serrious garbage food. He'd take it all into his room, and not come out untill he'd crammed the last cupcake into his mouth. He also began to buy stupid toys and stuff for himself.

Not a single dime came our way for groceries, rent, power, ect.

My spouse changed jobs, to one of higher pay. Upchuck only worked for four months, before being fired for stealing. Spouse got him another job at his new employer. Upchuck was fired after two months for stealing. This time however the new job required him to go into peoples homes....he'd been stealing from them (had your furnace or A/C unit maitenanced lately?).

Upchuck finally moved out after about two years (never paid a dime towards his upkeep). He found someone else to freeload off of (an elderly man, who called the cops and kicked him out after six months).

My marriage never recovered. I was SO happy when that divorce happened! I am now married to a wonderful man, who does not put others before me, and is engaged in making our marriage as wonderful as possible.

You cannot kick the brother out. Legally you have to give him 30 days written notice. Your only hope to that end, is that he leaves of his own free will and takes his stuff with him. If he gets mad, and leaves, but leaves his stuff there, then he is allowed back in.

You need to COMPLETELY refuse to lie in any way, shape or form, for him.

You need to sit down with your husband, away from the house, and the brother, in a neutral area, and have a very long, frank talk with him.

Write out how you feel this is destroying your marriage (that means the marriage of BOTH of you...not that it's just your problem).

Ask him how it is possibly reasonable that you enable your BIL to continue leading a slovenly life, and not take any responsibility for himself.

It is high time for you to play the "wife card," and stand up for your marriage, and your personal sanity. I understand exactly what you are going through. In a marriage you are not supose to put another before you spouse. Not even relatives.

Upchuck lived with us for two years. I suffered in a destroyed marriage for 8 years. In the end, I walked away with nothing. My ex destroyed almost all of my personal belongings. He and Upcuck also burned down the house I had purchased for us, with my retirement money.

I had only the clothes I was wearing, and a few personal items. My health, job, retirement...all gone. I was never so relieved to walk away with nothing.

Take what happened to me as a warning, and curb what is happening in your life immediatly. It's not going to get better...only worse. Want to save your marriage? Fight for it right now, don't wait.

~Garnet
Been there, done that.

Answer 2

Mrs WC here.

First, your husband should not have allowed his brother (or anyone) to move in without you both being in agreement over it. Spouses should be in agreement for any decision that affects the household. I wouldn't go behind my husband's back and toss the bum out tho, hubby might toss you out. You don't mention children, but if you have them, how this affects them would be a concern also.

Ask your husband what HE considers a reasonable amount of time for his brother to "get on his feet". The two of you should decide what would be a good time frame. He's had 3 months already. Has he been looking for work or just goofing off. If he's not been looking, point this out to your husband and tell him the two of you can't be responsible for this grown man. Chances are your BIL doesn't care. Why should he when his "bro" is taking care of him? If he's NOT going to work, then he should help out around the house.

Depending on what your brother was in prison for, he may have trouble getting a job. In that case, you don't want him freeloading off you for the rest of his life. After you and hubby decide on a time frame, the three of you should sit down and find out WHAT this guys goals are for the future and tell him that he only has X amount of time to get it together and move out.

Remember, when you give an ultimatum, you need to be prepared for the opposite response of you're looking for.

Answer 3

I would stress to my other half that he needs to deal with the situation and if he doesn't then you will and if your husband want to join his brother on the streets then that is fine to.

I can understand a person needing time to get back on their feet but, that doesn't mean that they can't lift a hand to do some chores to help out. It is costing extra to have this person around and the least he could do is some chores to show he is grateful to have a warm place to live and food in his stomach. I certainly don't see you as being a bad wife and if your husband really cared about you and the relationship you two have he would be a man and step up to the plate and deal with his brother..

Answer 4

* Kick him out , he is not helping around with things , you are paying his bills nd getting you to lie for him - he can get you into trouble for that , I think maybe you should ask your husband one last time to ask him to leave or tell him you will leave - if he still doesnt do anything about it then I think you should take matters into your own hands - He isnt a kid anymore and shouldn't act like it !!! And as for your cousin what is she going to do if he gets her pregnant , I mean he doesnt have a job to support him self let alone a kid . Get rid of him before it is to late ! Or tell him he has a Month to find a job and get out ! Good Luck hun ( I've already told my bf when we get our home his brother is not comin as far as past the front gate - Brothers are trouble ) !!! *

If this doesn't work the move out nd tell you'r hubby you are leaving till his brother leaves nd if it takes more than a month its over - You'r hubby will soon realize what is going on *

Answer 5

He's probably having a hard time finding work, because he did time in prison.

Are there any jobs that need doing around the house? If so, get your brother in law involved in those things.

I wouldn't recommend kicking him out whilst your husband is at work.....this is his brother after all and it might not be worth the problems it could cause between the two of you.

The fact that the brother in law is sleeping with your cousin, is no business of yours...obviously the cousin likes him, maybe he could go stay with her?!

Answer 6

You know, what gets me mad is that men are so blind to see when their family members take advantage of them. Women HELP their families but they dont get taken advantage of. My sister went throught the same exact situation. I would kick him out but I would tell your husband that he better open his eyes because this is going to affect your relationship and IS affecting it and if he doesnt start taking it serioesly stop cooking for the brother and make it as uncomfortable as possible because he should be TRYING to do something about it. I had a couple live with us for 2 months (my hubby is in the military and they were waiting for housing) and from the kindness of my heart I allowed them to stay and they took full advantage and embarassingly enough we had to ask them if they can pitch in for groceries (thats all!) 3 weeks later. I dont understand how people in this world can do that, and on top of that not appreciate it. Get him the hell out! also....after reading all those excellent answers, you should print 2 sheets out and hand these "answers" to your hubby and his bro...its not like they were all your "friends" advice...lol

Answer 7

Well hey, my sis in law was pretty much running for her life with her ex-con hubby and decided to shack up at my house when my wife and I were separated. I put my foot down and told her to get the hell out of my house with her drama. Just what I need is to have a psychotic hubby coming to my house with my children there when I wasn't living there... I ain't the one to play that game. Your cousin must have issues to be boning him so that is a different and irrelevant situation to his freeloading. Brother needs to be gone, three months is long enough.

Answer 8

it is your house too. he has had enough time to find himself. i always give a person a chance but after three months it is time for you to be the bad person, not meaning that you are,and get mad and kick him out. do this i front of hubby. your hubby will eventually stop being mad at you. and also don't lie to government. it will only get you in trouble. don't go down for some one that is a looser. he is not going to change if your hubby is giving into him. he will always want a hand out if you let him. your hubby should be thinking about your feelings and not his brother.

Answer 9

3 months is more than reasonable to get a job. Tell him he's got 2 weeks and to get out there and fill out applications. And he SHOULD be at least halping with chores. Hand him the vacuum today. if he won't help, do loud stuff so he can't sleep or hear the tv. That sucks. I hate freeloaders. Good Luck, sweetie!

Answer 10

Wow. That is a really tough situation. Does hubby know the entire situation, such as the whole effing your cousin thing?

I think, honestly, you would be justified in doing so. Sheeit. Call his parole officer and see if they can put him up in a halfway house. That's what they are there for!!! Especially because your good nature is completely being taken advantage of. This is so unfair to you and your husband. It's not right.

Answer 11

Dont kick him out while he is at work, wait untill he comes home and tell him its you or him.... Surley he would choose him, and if he doesnt then I supose you know where you stand?

Express your concern, or maybe try to find some middle ground such as if he doesnt start to pay bills/get a job/do chores or generally show any signs that he is even 'trying' to get back on his feet, than he has to be out of here because it is obviously not helping him!

Good luck!