What to do when the in laws refuse to visit?

Question

My husband and I live with my elderly parents w/DS (6 mo). My in laws have only visited twice (during DS's first 2 weeks of life) and always expect us to go there. I compromised and said we'd visit once a month (it's a 20 minute commute but my husband and I both work and I have errands to run on the weekends), sleeping over like they want us to.
But now I'm fed up with it because they NEVER come visit us. They claim they're not comfortable in our small apt. and want more than a few hours with DS. My husband sides with his family. BUT I'm fed up bc when we're there, they're always busy getting ready for a party, to head out, to go to a friend's house, etc. They only spend an hour or two with DS anyways when we're there for a full weekend!
I find it rude and disrespectful that they should do this to us. How can I get my husband to understand how unfair this is? I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't get it.

My in laws' parenting skills leave much to be desired so I would never leave my son there. And it's 20 minutes on the highway. I just think they should offer to visit as well and they don't.

DrB, someone should take away your PhD. You're a certified idiot and I hope you don't further doom humanity by procreating.

Answer 1

You're complaining about a 20 minute drive? 20 minutes? You could drive there AND back home in less than an hour and you're complaining? Geez. I wish my parents were that close. My mom just passed away this past month. I wish she had been that close to us so my kids could have spent more time with her. You sound too wrapped up in complaining to look at the big picture here.

Drive the 20 minutes. Spend an hour or two there and GO HOME. I don't see what the point of staying overnight is if you are that close and they don't even stay there with you the whole time. If you're all asleep, it's not like that's quality time with Gma and Gpa. Or, if they are going out, have THEM drive the 20 minutes to visit you for a while before they go to their party.

Answer 2

I am in the exact same position as you and a couple of the answerers. Mine live 1-1/2hr away and they expect us to come up there and spend the weekend all the time and only come to visit us once every 2 or 3 months. When we do go up there there ignore us and leave to go do stuff and then my brother in law and his son(2 yr old) live there and receive my in laws full attention the entire time we are there. I completely sympathize with you. The only thing I have been able to do is go and bare it for one weekend a month. My husband does not get it as well. If I only lived 20 min from them I would just go over for a 2 hour visit or so every several weeks. I definitely wouldn't do an overnighter. We definitely need a support group.

Answer 3

So, apparently driving the four hundred miles in the wake of dangerous storm conditions is rude? You and your wife need to sit down and have a serious and lengthy talk about this. You need to come up with a plan, and a method of engagement with these folks. Both of you need to approach it the same way and stick to the plan. My problem, was that that conversation never took place with my husband and I. I kept thinking that he would see the problem and deal with it. He never did until it came to a crisis. When the crisis arrived it was too big to handle. Perhaps if we had done the work in the beginning we would still have some contact. But alas, hind-sight is twenty-twenty. Do have that conversation. You two need to be on the same page, reading from the same song-sheet!

Answer 4

We live 5 mins. away from my husbands parents and grandparents and they only visit us about once a month. They always want us to go over there, and we do about 3 times a week because I think my son needs grandparents in his life. He can't only see mommy and daddy everyday of his life. He has never slept over there, or stayed there more than a couple of hours by himself because I don't like the way they have treated my sister in-laws kids.

Answer 5

I think they've answered you question! They feel uncomfortable coming over to your apartment! They also feel uncomfortable with you too! (just a feeling) If you don't make them feel wanted at your house, then they will always feel uneasy around you. Also, take a REAL CLOSE LOOK, at how they act around your husband!!!!!! You may find the nature of their relationship needs some work! (but, ps., as an aside: the situation between your husband and his parents isn't one that you can fix, so don't even think of saying anything, just observe) and you may find out what makes them tick!!!!! They may not be the warm fuzzy, cuddly people like your family and that's just life! Be a good listener and watch! You'll figure it out!

Answer 6

They obviously feel left out because your folks see junior all the time. Either your side of the family need to make more effort to make them welcome, or you're going to have to stop whining.

If they only live 20 mins away I don't see why you need to stay over. Just go for Sunday lunch - maybe alternate weekends.

Relationships are about compromise. I went through all this. It takes abt 50 mins to drive to my folks' place (but I didn't drive when the kids were tiny). The (now) ex's folks live about 15- 20 mins drive away. Mine came to visit us most weeks, his expected us for Sunday lunch every single week, rarely set foot in our house despite almost weekly invitations for a couple of years.

You know what? I gritted my teeth and put up with it. I wasn't worth the hassle. And yes, it was a tie. and yes, i was working too - with 2 kids 17mo apart.

My kids are 15 and 16 and this year, for the first year ever, I g to do Christmas MY way - me, my kids, my partner, and his 2 kids (12 and14) who he hasn't spent Xmas day with in over 10 years, since his hex walked out. Every year I'd be asked what I wanted to do - and then ignored. So I just got on with it. In the greater scheme of things, what did it really matter?

Answer 7

You have to sleep over and it's only a 20 minute commute?? That's crazy! Why don't you ask them to babysit while you and your hubby have some quality time. When you do arrange to go to their house, make sure they have no other plans and are willing to spend the time with you. If your apartment is small, I can see how they don't want to come over all the time, but how about inviting them for lunch or dinner and then you can all go to the park or something after?

Answer 8

Being a Mom means that you put your son first. Taking the time to spend your precious/valuable weekend time at your in laws when they only spend a few hours with him anyway is bad for you. Bad for you means bad for your son.

You need to let your husband know that you have had enough. They can spend the same 2 or 3 hours with your son in your home. My mother in law lives 1 1/2 hours away from us and I refuse to go up there, she can come to us. An overnight visit is far too long for any visit and the disruption that is causes in my son's schedule isn't worth it.

Stick to your heart!

Answer 9

I'm in the same boat you're in, only my in-laws live an hour-and-a-half away. It's gotten to the point that we are only visiting for holidays and birthday's, but I really hate going out there, because they seem to spend more time with my nephew then with my son. They just came up this weekend for my son's first birthday party, but pretty much ignored him the entire time and played with my nephew. I wish I knew what to tell you, I'm at as much of a loss as you are. Perhaps we should form a support group? :)

Answer 10

If it is only 20 minutes away why cant you guys just compromise to spend the day over there or the day together away from someones home and not have to spend the night since you are each so close to your own home? I understand where you are coming from completly. Or you could just drop DS off there with them sometimes and come back and get him later or have them return him home.