Is it rape or is it sex?

Question

My question is very serious and it goes like this. Am I a rapist?

Me and my girlfriend having been going out for 3 months now, she is 18 and I am 23. Let me tell you about our sex history in case it helps you better understand. She lost her virginity last year in July with a guy who dumped her after having sex with her and she felt like he used her, she also slept with some guy but they broke up because it did not work out. I only slept with one girl in my whole life and it is because I am a bookworm, a geek some might say so I am not good with women in general.

It all started when after going out to watch the movies at the mall, I suggested that she should come and visit me at my house because we live far away from each other, she said yes and we set a date. I had work to do that day so we cancelled and she was a bit upset and I at the back of my mind thought she was upset because she wanted to come over to my house so we came be intimate, but I wasn't sure at that time, we never talked about sex before then.

A few days later I sent her an sms (text message) telling her amongst other things that "I want you" and the reason I did that was because I thought she would think that I didn't want to meet her because I didn't want to be intimate with her and will therefore dump me. We talked over the phone and she asked me what did I mean by "I want you", I gave her a dumb explanation and didn't tell her the truth because I thought she didn't want me to be so forward and she was maybe playing some kind of a game.

She came to my house around noon, we watched a movie and we started kissing after the movie, I slowly took off her pants and asked her if she wants me and she said no, but she was smiling when she said it and I could tell that she was enjoying me touching her and kissing her, I kept on kissing her body and asking her again if she wants me and again she said no, she started to be a bit difficult and at the back off my mind I thought it was maybe a game as I don't have much experience with sex and women. But eventually I stopped, she put on back her pants and she could see I was a bit irritated because she was giving me mixed signals. We talked for a moment and we agreed that she will spend the night with me. I went to the local shop to buy her a toothbrush and some body cream because she didn't bring any.

I came back and we started talking, listening to music and talked some more and at around 7pm we started kissing again, I went on top of her and took off her clothes and then we had sex, there was no violence or anything, I didn't force her to do it but we did, after that she said I raped her, she didn't look serious when she said it and I took that as a joke, then we talked once more and she told me about her ex-boyfriend who after 2 years lost her virginity with him but he dumped her and she said he was after sex only, and then she said I mustn't dump her like her ex did, I reassured her that I love her and I will never do such a thing.

We watched some TV for a couple of hours and at around 11pm we decided to go to sleep as I was supposed to go to work the next day. We tried to sleep but couldn't, we talked a little bit and then started kissing again, again I went on top of her, we had sex, she went on top of me and we did it, switched off the lights and I remember at one point during the sex session I said to her she should guide my penis into her because it was dark and I couldn't see, she did and we continued having sex, she climbed on top of me and again guided my penis on to her as I couldn't see and we did it. At one point my condoms ran out, I asked her if it's ok if we do it with no condom, she asked me if I was sick and I said no and then we did it with no condom, later on she said that she wouldn't mind having a baby with me because soon I was going to ejaculate inside her but I said no, I'm not ready for a baby and that's when we stopped. We talked a little bit and cuddled and she jokingly said she will kill me if she falls pregnant. We went to sleep and we woke up the next day.

Then I went to work and she went back home. We talked over the phone and asked her when will she be coming back to my house and she said soon, she told me that I am a naughty boy and she didn’t expect me to be naughty and to have sex with her and she said something like guys like me are not supposed to initiate sex, but we were laughing about it. We again set a date and she came to my house. I told her I missed her and I wanted to make love to her again but she said no, I thought she was again playing a game like last time and I persisted, but I could tell that this time was serious because she wasn't smiling and didn't want to kiss me.

I asked her why she didn't want to make love to me and she said it's because I forced her into having sex with me and therefore I raped her, I was stunned and she also said that I only want to have sex with her and saw her as a "piece of meat", we talked and I pointed out that I thought she also wanted to have sex with me like I did, I told her that she wanted to come to my house because she wants me, I told her about the signs and signals from her but she was upset, I told her that I won't touch her until she makes the first move if she things that I was using her for sex, I even said that we don't have to have sex until we get married.

She spent the night again and nothing happened, I again went to work and she when back home, she is a student at the University and her school is closed so that's why she went home. We saw each other again at the mall and watched a movie like we always do, went to eat at a restaurant and started talking, I asked her if she regrets having sex with me and she said yes, she wasn't ready and said I raped her. I was starting to get scared, and now I am not sure anymore if I am indeed a rapist or not. I really love her and it hurts me that she is almost always upset when she is with me.

I think what happened is that she didn't come to my house to have sex with me like I thought she did, but eventually we had sex, even though at first she said no we had sex and there was no violence, I didn't force her or anything and she didn't scream and she also willingly came on top of me and guided my penis into her because it was dark. Then I think after a few days she realised that she made a mistake sleeping with me so soon and regrets sleeping with me, I do realise that I was wrong in thinking she was ready and I was wrong in persisting but I wasn’t forceful and we had consensual sex because at around 1 am I remember her taking a call while we were having sex from a friend of her asking if she is having a good time and my girl said yes but also said I am a naughty boy.

We are still together but what happened that night is making our relationship difficult especially for her because she keeps on saying I raped her and raped her emotionally. I don't know if she will open a case soon or 10 years from now, I would like to get this behind me so we can move on because now I keep on thinking of jail, I keep on thinking that one day if we break up she will maybe open a case against me, I don't think she will do it but it could happen, I really love her and I have sleepless night thinking about this and her. If you think I did rape her and I deserve to go to jail then maybe I think I should go to jail.

I would like to know if I am a rapist after what you have read and what I have told you?

Thank you!

Answer 1

This is a very difficult situation. In her perception, yes you probably did rape her. Rape does not in any way, shape, or form imply that violence or force had to be involved. There are many types of rape. If she felt uncomfortable, and said "no" she didn't want to continue then you should have left here alone at that. Even if she was smiling. It does not matter, once she said no and you continued then in her mind that was rape. Yes this is a rather strange and counterintuitive concept. She probably felt (or will say she felt) uncomfortable and that she didn't really have a choice, particularly after you stopped the first time but displayed negative emotions because of it. There is no clear way to describe the thoughts or feelings of someone in her shoes who has had several bad experiences of a similar nature. Most likely, she wanted to live up to your expectations of her, and even though she did not want to have sex, she felt that she had to in order to keep you happy. Does this make sense? No, you didn't physically force her to, but you (inadvertently) caused her to feel that she was being emotionally coerced into having intercourse with you. After that first time you two had sex together, the rest of the evening falls into that same pattern. She felt that since you two had already had sex, that it no longer mattered whether you continued to have intercourse that night or not. In a way, the worst part was over and she was still stuck in that bizarre emotional state. It was probably easier for her to just play along with what you wanted from her than for her to try to remove herself from the situation. To 'fake it,' to pretend that sex is what she wanted made it easier to deal with her thoughts and feelings that night; but she was not able to make them go away, and thus she is under the impression that the whole event was rape. I know this sounds complicated and confusing, but try to picture things from her end. Her signals might have been confusing to you, but yours were equally so to her. She felt, based on your actions, that she could not escape the situation with your relationship intact without having sex with you. Though she was able to keep her cool, she was in a good deal of emotional distress. Never assume someone is just playing games, or playing hard to get. For future reference, when a woman says no, STOP. Just stop. Without clear lines of communication, and an understanding of why she said to stop, do not continue. To do so will risk the call of rape later on, as you have found out the hard way. Are you a rapist? No, I think you are not. But can she make the legal claim that you raped her? Yes, she is legally entitled to that right. It will turn into a he-said-she-said match, but she could do it. My best advice to you would be to carefully and politely as possible remove yourself from your relationship with her. Be honest with her, but try not to hurt her feelings. After all, where do you think this relationship can go, seeing as how she views the events you described? She will always have her memories of how that night's events took place. She needs therapy, though, because she seems to have been traumatized by what has happened to her in the past. You really shouldn't stay with her out of fear of her pressing charges, there is always going to be that risk (I'm sorry, but its true... she has the legal right to do it). As long as you are with her, those memories will not disappear. That sort of dark past can doom your relationship, if not now then later. You both need to go your separate ways, and move on in order to start healing the wounds you have caused each other, unintentional though they were.

Bottom line: she said NO, twice. Anything and everything after that should not have happened.

Answer 2

She did say "no," but her other signals were very mixed. And you didn't force anything on her when she clearly said "no" and her actions and demeanor matched her words, for once.

I have a hard time comprehending situations like this. I would never go to a man's home if I didn't want him. But then I did not have such a screwed up sexual history as her.

I think this girl's got serious issues pertaining to sexuality. She might even be a bit mentally ill. I agree that given what she told you about her past, you probably shouldn't have been initiating sex so soon. But I don't know that you should be called a rapist.

And her behavior towards you after wards doesn't seem normal. If a man raped me, I'd never want to talk to or see him ever again.... except in court.

Bottom line, you're in a murky area. It's best both morally and just commonsense-wise to stop when you hear "no" even if you don't think she's serious.

Answer 3

It sounds like she's got issues and needs some help. However, anytime a woman says no, you STOP, regardless. Put your sexual desires to the side and use the big head. :)

Coercing someone into sex is still rape, physical violence or not. You never know if she's been brutally raped in the past. She may think that it doesn't matter what she says, that you will do it anyway. So, she says no, you stop. You don't GUESS, ever. If she's been hurt terribly through rape before, she is probably trying to keep herself from getting beat up (again?), torn apart physically (as getting raped hurts a woman's vagina a tremendous deal). I've known people like that. They were in fact, raped, but didn't think they could resist their rapist for those above reasons. I mean, my husband would've never and will never have sex with me unless he knows I'm all the way totally into it. That's how the good guys are. It doesn't matter what happened before or after- either person's behavior. When there is a rape, that's all that matters. Basically, if she says no and you keep going, that's rape, regardless of whether there was physical violence or not- IF that's what happened.

Answer 4

It sounds like everytime she has sex with a guy, the guy bolts immediately. She's worried that you'll bolt too. She seems to be using that evening as leverage in your relationship, to make sure you don't leave.

You have two options here: stay or go. If you ask most objective people, the answer would be to get out of the relationship. But, if you still love her, you have to talk to her about this, and tell her how you feel about her accusation of rape. It obviously hurts you. She should know that.

While many of the above answers stated that you may have raped her, which I don't agree with, your girlfriend has very little standing in Court. You'll never get convicted, or charged. The fact is, she really has no leverage over you. She apparently didn't report this anyone right after it happened. It sounds like there was no physical evidence on her body that she was raped (bruises, etc.).

In other words, I would do what you feel is right. Don't let the fear of prosecution push you into a relationship that you don't really want. If you really want to be with her, talk to her and tell you how you feel.

Answer 5

She did give you mixed signals. Its always good to be in error on side of caution. The best thing to do is go with what you hear. She said no so you should have stopped. If she was joking when you stopped she could have come back to say "I was just joking" Just to protect your self from being in situations like this one whenever a woman says no. Stop. Rape does not always have to be a violent act.

This girls is very young and clearly has issues with sex and she should indeed get some counseling. She also causing a lot of emotional distress to you and you could benefit some some counseling at this point as well.

The next time you are in a situation of getting mixed signals. STOP Tell the woman that she is sending mixed signals. Protect yourself get them unmixed before you proceed.

Answer 6

wow.... i would hate to be in your situation
You did not rape her, obviously she wanted to have sex with you as well but it sounds like she has some serious issues.

The problem is that if you leave her now she will probably bring a case on you since she is so scared that you only wanted her for sex....but if you stay with her it is still a problem cuz it sounds like she is crazy. No person in their right mind would go around accusing people of rape unless it really was, which in your case it does not sound like it....that is a serious accusation. Instead of living up to the fact that she made a mistake she is blaming it all on you.

If you think it will work, you should talk to her and explain to her that you did not rape her and maybe she should go to a psychiatrist. It will be hard but if you guys are close enough it could help....

Answer 7

No, none of what you have detailed would suggest rape.
I would say you should leave her, as she sounds a little twisted. Even if, like you suspect, she later regretted sleeping with you, to say, even in jest, that you are a rapist is really rather sick.
I would write down every single detail of that night, so you remember EVERYTHING, and then speak to your parents, and maybe even a solicitor, to see how you stand, legally.
This girl is not right in the head, and I too would be worried that in a decades' time she decides to make false accusations to the police.
I don't know why you would stil want to be with her? SHe sounds like a manipulative little b itch, who is using sex to control you, blackmail you, and use you.
Sex is a wonderful, bonding, important part of many relationships, and you should try hard to not let this individual mar future intimate relationships.
I really feel for you. I'm sure there's plenty lads who have found themselves in this position.
Also, get youself checked out for STD....you really shouldn't have intercourse without protection until you are in a very long term relationship. Also, you can still get a girl pregnant without ful ejaculation, so you better hope to god that that isn't her next story!
Good luck hun.

Answer 8

No, and I find it sad you had to ask, and some one said it might be. That is a sign that our society has lost sensibility. Rape, means to take by force, and you did nothing of the kind, you didn't physically or mentally disable any one either. Women are people and they make choices like any one else. She was just unsure at first, we have a society telling women to save themselves. Then we have feminism giving them more mixed messages. A girls head is full of a lot of crazy **** these days, it is no wonder she is unsure, she need to find her self away from these ideologies.

Answer 9

I don't understand why you'd want to have sex with someone who wasn't sure if they wanted to. She said no, so why would you continue? I think you've made a serious mistake, and owe her an apology. Mixed signals or not, she has had bad experiences with sex.Whether she's messed up or not, she deserved the benefit of the doubt, and your respect. I have no idea why she would want to stay involved with you, but for her sake, I think you should stay away from her as well. I don't see how you two can have a relationship with this between the two of you. Frankly, I don't know why either of you want a relationship with each other, when she considers your first sexual experience together as rape.

Answer 10

Nope.

You never forced her into having sex. Furthermore, she never said 'no' or 'stop' at any point during the consensual sex, so again, you haven't raped her. Anyway, criminal charges require proof beyond a reasonable doubt, so the DA in a rape charge MUST prove that you forcibly penetrated her against her will - this is tough unless there is substantial physical evidence. So you'll be fine.

If this chick is crazy enough to sue you out of spite, once the case gets dismissed - which is very likely unless she has evidence - you can go after her for slander.

In any event, you need to run man, this chick clearly has issues and is controlling you. Up to you: either resolve it or DTB.

By the way, in the future, if you want to protect yourself, ALWAYS wear a condom; whenever a chick says 'no' or 'stop' during penetration, STOP; and NEVER bang a mentally unstable chick (this should be a given) or have rough sex that results in bruising in any part of her body.

Answer 11

It's rape.

When a woman says NO you stop.

I don't care if she's tap dancing naked if you ask and she's says no you put your dick away and respect her.

No means NO. I hope she does press charges. Also the 'pull out' method can still get her pregnant.