In May this year, I discovered my husband had been having an affair after a series of text messages from his "liason". When confronted, he denied vehemently but finally revealed that it was ONLY a one night stand (yah right). My gut felt strongly that it was more than one night. After severe humiliating family intervention (including the priest who married us), I decided to let it go. He blamed alcohol.
However, for seven months, I didnt buy the story. Lst wek I stumbled upon an email from his brother saying that he had ALL the details of the affair..when I confronted my husband, again he confessed that it actually happend THRICE! His brother said the other woman told him it happend TWICE. Its a web of lies and deceit and I want out of this anger, hurt, pain.
We have been married three years and have two kids. I always felt he married me out of obligation because I fell pregnant. Why would a man who claims to love you cheat within the first year of marriage? Is he really committed
2007-12-02 19:33:35 · 17 answers · asked by Samara 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I really feel sorry about you. I am not in a position to answer your question, because I am also suffering from same problem, for which I am also seeking some good answers. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone and I think every bodies experiences, circumstances, situations and remedies are unique. I think time is the only solution for us.
Don't think toooo much about it.
This has happened and you have to face it for kids.
(I know it is very difficult)
God bless you (and me)
2007-12-02 21:19:32 · answer #1 · answered by ssd 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does it really make any difference HOW many times it happened. He not only is a cheater hes a liar as well, but then cheating and lying do go hand in hand. Doesn't matter if he married you because of an obligation, fact is he did marry you and made that commitment to you.
NO, I'm sorry, he is not committed to you and your family, if he had been this would not have happened.
You now have the task of deciding what is best for you and the children. You deserve the best. Whatever you do find someone who you know cares about you and will talk and listen to you. Its going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done. But you can do it if you stay or go. Don't make any hurried decisions give your self time. You may want to find another place to live for a while but other than that, make sure that you are thinking straight before you make other decisions . When I was in the same situation that you are now... I made some bad decisions, don't do that. Take care hun. Its really not the end of the world it only feels like it now. 6 months from now things will look and feel a lot different. God Bless you and your children.
2007-12-02 20:42:15 · answer #2 · answered by deerlady2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you have been married for 3 years and found out he had an affair the first year of your marriage. From what I can gather, he has not done this type of thing since that one incident.
6 months is too short of a time to heal from all of this. He lied because he wanted to 'lessen the deed' and stupidly thought by lying and saying it was only once that it wouldn't be so bad. My husband said once - it was twice; he also said he drank but the truth is they cheated because they wished to do so at that moment. They did not think they would be caught and did not give thought to what the outcome would be should they get caught.
I believe he loves you and hoped you would never find out about this; seems he went to his brother to discuss his actions.
Only you can decide what to do. Yes, no matter what anyone else tells you, a person can love you and cheat on you. Why? How? They don't think you'll find out; it is a self-centered act to give them momentary pleasure and it has nothing to do with you. The hurt and pain will fade as you again learn to trust him; but he must show you that you can trust him again. That takes much time.
Please look at a couple of websites; think they may be of help to you. And whatever you decide to do about this, much luck to you.
2007-12-03 01:03:42 · answer #3 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, I'll tell you what I think, but no matter what you read here, you need someone better on your side- a counselor. In fact, I think you need two counselors, one for the two of you to deal with what's happening in your marriage, and a second counselor just for you, so you can resolve for yourself the feelings of disappointment, hostility, mistrust, etc.
First, I'll put on my Perry Mason hat. Given the info, it seems possible to me that at the time he said it happened once, it could have happened just once but it happened again since then. That's the "did he lie from the beginning?" thing.
Whether it happened because of alcohol or if it happened once or twice or thrice may seem important, but I think what's really critical is- Why did it happen at all?
And the answer to that question is at the nub of everything for you. And I can't give you any real answers because those exist only inside his head.
I can help you for now by telling you to decide for yourself what you want. In order to get to that point, you need to verbalize your feelings. And it's best to do that with a counselor.
The part that you wrote that seems telling to me is: "I didn't buy the story." This seems to indicate to me that mistrust is integral to your relationship. Another factor is that you "stumbled" upon an email from his brother. How'd you do that? Did you read your husband's emails?
When you put some infidelity in a marriage, trust seems brittle and insufficient. Trusting him is an act that will come from inside you. And inside you is where your actions come from. I can't say if you can trust him or not. But this is where you'll need to go, hopefully with the help of a counselor. Why will you need trust? Because if you keep reading his emails, you'll drive him away from you: he needs to believe you trust him.
Talk to your priest, ask him for a referral to a good counselor.
What motivated him to have an affair is a topic that exists inside his head. This is what a couples counselor is for- to see what makes each of you tick, especially towards each other. Could be true- the first time involved alcohol, a substance that reduces your inhibitions. Inhibitions are what keep you from doing things you know you shouldn't do. (Ask your priest about "conscience.") But what aggravates the thing with your husband is that he went back, presumably without the alcoholic influence. That's the real key to his behavior.
Y'know, I have no idea how many marriages survive infidelity. But I'm guessing nothing is all-or-nothing. Some marriages survive, some don't. I guess it's all about what you do afterwards that matters.
For now, I'd suggest you don't talk to him about this until after you see a counselor. If he talks, listen. If you limit the conversation to dinner and the weather, that's OK for now. But get some real help, not just yahoo.
Good luck.
PS - Been there. Can't help but think of what I read: "In a divorce, no one wins." Sometimes a lack of trust is more than a situation can allow. Sometimes trust is just impossible to get back, like your virginity.
2007-12-02 20:00:16 · answer #4 · answered by going_for_baroque 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Heck no, he is not committed. He probably never will be. I say that, because he continue to tell lies. As far as getting over the pain and hurt it will take time. You will evaluate yourself and ask allot of questions. You won't trust him again as long as he keep lying. I would be lying to you, if I said,'' you will forget about it''. There will be times when the day is going well and you both are laughing and talking and WAM! an old memory will hit you. A smell that was present at the time of discovery, will cause you to remember and whether you decide to get angry or let it go is up to you. Sorry this is happening to you. This is the toughest thing to deal with when you love someone and they are totally committed to breaking your heart. This is why I say,'' we ought to watch what we do to each other. Cheating is only a secret for a little while.
2007-12-02 19:47:57 · answer #5 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you cos i'm also in your situation. My hubby and i have been together for 6 yrs, married for 2.5 years wif 2 young daughters. He has also cheated on me many times (even now as i suspect). Everytime we would nearly ended our retionship, but he would come back apologising and leave the other woman. I've never got over the pain and the hurt. I dont even know if i've forgiven him already, but sure i'll never forget what he has done. A commited man, a man who loves you will never do anything to hurt you. If you think he's worth forgiving then just have a heart to heart talk with him. For me, i'm planning to divorce, once i can confirm my suspicion. I dont want to get hurt, get cheated again. Good luck to you.
2007-12-03 00:54:26 · answer #6 · answered by le_snowangel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you. But better you found this out now then after you had been married to him for 15 years.
I think you should not question why he married you then, but why he would cheat now. If you are willing to make it work then make him work. Ask him to be honest with you and to put fourth the effort to make you believe that he wants to be with you. I think you need to keep his and your family out of your marriage, that can only make things worst.
Start by putting yourself together and looking to make the future better with or without him. Remember your children are depending on you and there is nothing wrong with devoting all your love to them at this time to help you heal. I hope everything woks out for you. Stay strong there is always a rainbow behind the storm. Good Luck!
2007-12-02 20:17:17 · answer #7 · answered by sparkling_apple 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if you ever "get over" it. I lived with a habitual lier for 15 years. When he finally left me for a woman who was 20 years my senior (she had the right credit cards), I became very depressed, almost drank myself to death, and then realized that that he had the problem, not me. I started getting my life and my self esteem in order and the man of my dreams walked into my life and of course, then my ex wanted me back. I chose the man of my dreams.
Just be careful not to carry mistrust into another relationship.
If you choose to stay, tell him he will have to earn your trust by allowing you to know where he is, who he's with, and what he's doing. If he loves you and wants to make his marriage work he will agree. If not, move on. Life is too short to live in an unhappy, suspicious marriage. Take your kids and find a man that will love and respect you, not a lying, cheating dog.
2007-12-02 20:26:56 · answer #8 · answered by blondspitfire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do you get over it? YOU have to make that choice to get over it, because it's something that will never be forgotten. It's going to constantly be on your mind for a while, so you have to make the choice to either get over it or give into it and make yourself miserable. I understand to a degree what you're feeling like. In my opinion someone who loves their spouse, and is committed to them doesn't cheat. Alcohol is an excuse and not a good one. Twice! That's not cool and if you really think about it, he was risking his family for a cheap thrill. He ought to be glad you haven't left him. I would have.
2007-12-02 19:50:12 · answer #9 · answered by grneyedgrly 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why not talk to him. Have a heart to heart talk. Good people deserves second chances, why not give him a chance to prove his loyalty towards you and your childrens..
Communication ,,,, you must communicate with him. Talk things out... why he started that affair.....
You may ask some reliable elder member of your family to help you......
Don't just give up......
What did he expect from your relationship besides being married and having kids......
2007-12-02 20:13:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋