ive been the "other guy" in this womans life sexually for the last 2 years. Emotionally for the last 4. She says she really loves me and i love her too. She has 2 kids with this guy (not married) and they have been together for almost 8 years. She claims she isnt happy being with him, and "isnt in love with him anymore" but still loves him. She tells me things that she would never tell him, and i know she opens up to me alot more than she does with him. I know for sure im the best lover shes ever had because the sex is very emotional as well as physical. She tells me she doesnt have this with him. She says she wants to leave him and tried a year ago but he wouldnt let her take the kids so she stayed. They never mentioned that incident after that. Now my question is she says she wants to leave him but she hasnt done anything. I offered to pay for everything and take care of her and her kids. Shes on the fence right now and i need advice on whats going on in that head of hers, help!
2007-12-02 18:39:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, she could have self-esteem issues and may not think she deserves to be happy (to be with you). She could be afraid that this guy will take the kids from her. She could be afraid that, if she leaves the security of his home, she will be unable to care for herself and her kids.
You'll have to ask her what she is thinking. It could be one or more of a hundred different things!
2007-12-02 19:06:44 · answer #1 · answered by susanmaried 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that you are in this position.
I'm glad that you have a great sex life, but that's not what a day-to-day relationship revolves around.
Be sure of what you are offering...it's great that you can afford to support a family with all their needs, but there are a lot of emotional issues that the kids would have...it would understandably be very difficult for the kids to go from one home with a daddy to another. Perhaps she should get her own place for at least 1/2 a year to be sure of the transition for her and the kids. It would give you time to get to know the kids in a more neutral environment. It's only a little more time to help you both determine if this is what is best for everyone involved.
Quick note on finances: Perhaps you should put limits on what you can afford (maybe a contribution to her apartment, not all at this time), and think carefully about the legal fees she will have. I do not have kids, wasn't married but had a nut-case ex common-law that cost me over $70,000 in family-law legal fees alone because of bs claims he made. Money wasn't the only issue...an attempt to burn my new b/f's vehicle, house break-ins and very nasty phone calls was just a little more of what came about. Scorned people can do stupid things to be hurtful to people. Her b/f already said no to her taking the kids...he will be looking for a reason to make life miserable for her and all involved. Keep yourself a little removed. If it gets drawn out, it may hard for all of you.
Word of advice: She should consult a good family law attorney before she leaves. This will also put her a step closer to the reality of actually leaving.
2007-12-03 03:06:42 · answer #2 · answered by southwest 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Her kids are probably young and shes probably staying at home all day looking after them while the father is at work. Shes not getting any attention from him when he comes home (maybe he's spent the day talking so the last thing he wants to do is talk). Shes lonely and shes found herself someone who can give her the intimacy, attention and s** that she craves. Im sure shes fallen for you hard and is torn, but its hard for a mother to remove the kids from their father, especially if he provides financial support to them. Her heart is no longer in the relationship and she desperately wants out but in some ways doesn't want to 1) break up the "family" and 2) have no source of income.
She needs to separate from him for a while and not see you so that she can see where her heart truly lies. The usual train of thought is that its not good or right to stay in a lousy relationship because of the kids. They end up suffering too and she will remain unhappy. Tell her to do this and take her time to think about what would be best for her and her kids. The best thing you can do is be patient with her while she decides and go off and date others. Theres no point hanging around for someone who doesn't know what they want. You could be left with nothing, just a waste of your life. If its meant to be, then it will happen.
2007-12-03 03:01:57 · answer #3 · answered by Dreamer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is so typical.. First of all, she isn't going to leave her husband. Think about it, if she was so unhappy why wouldn't she leave him? You said that you've been sleeping with her for two years.. here's a clue for you. She's still sleeping with her husband too. Don't be a fool and think that she's not. There is no way for you to know what really goes on in their home. You only know what she is telling you and wants you to know. Which is her side. I would be willing to bet that everything is fine at home. She probably cares for you..and has developed a connection with you that she is no longer willing to let go. So, she keeps you subdued by telling you that things are so horrible at home and makes excuses (about the kids) so that you will just give her "more time". But, here's the catch.. you can give her all the time she asks for to get things together but she's never going anywhere. If after two years you are still the "other man" and not the "only man".. that should clue you in to what's really going on. My advice to you is to move on with your life. Try finding a nice woman who isn't married. After all, she is HIS wife. You were wrong for even going there with her. Cut your losses now and find someone who is willing to love YOU and you only. Not someone you have to share.
2007-12-03 03:07:02 · answer #4 · answered by Christine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must realize that this woman has a family that comes before you. As much as that may hurt, that is the truth. You can't force her to be with you no matter how wonderful the relationship. A woman will choose what is best for her family over what is best for her lover.
2007-12-03 11:37:20 · answer #5 · answered by prissytwin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dump her. Don't be a homewrecker - you will be wrecking 3+ people's lives. In-laws, too.
She needs to stay with him until the kids are grown because those kids need their Daddy & Mommy.
There are plenty of nice woman out there - find someone who is fully available to you.
Live your life without regret.
Joy to you!!!
2007-12-03 02:47:19 · answer #6 · answered by frillyfroofroo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are being played so hard. She really does love him and doesn't want to be without him or you. See, women do the same things as men do.
2007-12-03 02:51:51 · answer #7 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
maybe shes telling you things that you want to hear instead of the truth. it will hurt you if you keep this going. tell her you have feelings for her and you dont want to see her with a guy especially if he so-called doesnt treat her that well. i would tell her its either leave him, or you're leaving....then maybe you'll find the real truth and what's in that head of hers
2007-12-03 02:43:55 · answer #8 · answered by Sarah 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's stringing you both along. Think about how you would feel if she left him for you, then started doing this to another man? Get out of this twisted "relationship" before she leaves her family.
2007-12-03 02:42:40 · answer #9 · answered by la-la-lauren 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She wants her cake and eat it too... How long are you willing to continue like this... You are the one who needs to make the decision of keeping up this affair with her or telling her its over and moving on...
2007-12-03 04:54:40 · answer #10 · answered by deerlady2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋