How to handle when your husband gives out his phone number to a woman in front of you when he is drunk?

Question

I've been married for the last 9 years. Pretty happy all around. My husband is a wonderful person and I am happy to be married to him - most of the time. I view a problem to be is that he likes to binge drink when he is with his friends. He is 44 years old and doesn't have an off valve. When he passes the point of no return he can turn very mean vocally to me. He doesn't remember much the next day. Last Friday we went out with some friends. We all had a great time and my husband and I even connected again. By the end of the night it all changed. He is so drunk leaning against the bar and is openly flirting with a woman with his eyes. I see that he is writing out his phone number on a piece of paper and she is putting the number into her phone. When confronted he lies, then admits and then gets mean and then thinks I am blowing it out of proportion. He said that he would never act on it. His drunk and mean behavior is sometimes heard by our 6 year old daughter. What to do?

I would like to add that when he was writing out the phone number I did grab it from him and said that I was very betrayed and angered by his actions and left the bar. He came out with my friend and said that he felt flattered with the flirting and wasn't thinking about what he was doing. I then went into the bar and called the woman out. We talked very calmly and non accusatory. All she said was that he was a drunk guy and that I should take him home. She knew that I was with him and she said that she would never take a number from a married man. I do appreciate all your responses but these situations are very complicated. I feel that he should see a therapist as he has unresolved issues that repeatedly come out only when he drinks. I also am a Canadian living in S.E. Asia therefore leaving is not a decision that I will take lightly. These events happen about once every 2-3 months. As I said before, when he doesn't binge drink he is a talented, successful and loyal friend.

Answer 1

I feel very sorry for you... :\

Your situation doesn't SEEM that bad (it's just a guy getting drunk and losing a bit of control, right?), yet everyone here is telling you to take such drastic measures. Divorce. Joining an alcoholics program. These answers are so easy to type but so devastatingly difficult in real life.

My answers is this:
Do not be afraid of the possibility of losing him. Do not be afraid of how a divorce will affect your daughter -- because if divorce is indeed the right decision, then having him as a dad will be worse for her.

Try very hard to be "at peace" with the possibility of divorce. This will allow you to think clearly and approach him the right way -- and approach him you must. Do it when he is sober and happy. You must be non-threatening, non-assuming,
do not make him feel like he is cornered (which will happen is if he sees your tension). You must be brave, calm, and matter-of-fact when you seek out the truth. What truth am I talking about? You must find out if he still loves you.

I don't advise divorcing him simply because he gave a woman his phone number. But you should be very concerned... it is a big deal because it (in addition to his reaction) hints that you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg of future problems.


Your decision on whether to pursue divorce or the alcoholism program will depend on how your conversation with him goes.... will depend on if he loves you enough to give you what you need... which is to be able to trust him.

If he gets belligerent about all this, blowing it out of proportion (by accusing you of blowing it out of proportion)... you may consider showing him the answers all these people have given.

Answer 2

It sounds like your husband has a drinking problem and their are also problems in your marriage. When he drinks he can be mean and tell you things and act in a true manner (incident with woman). You dissmiss is behavior on the account that he was drunk. Are you going to keep making excuses for him? Just sit down and actually ask him if he's happy? Or in front of a professional.Tthis current situation cannot be good for you or your young daughter.

Answer 3

Leave his azz. If he is acting like this while he is drunk, it is the real him that need the booze to help him out. Why keep hurting your kid. I would tell him while he is writing out that phone number I would say to him... the minute you write the last digit, I will be thinking of how to pack my daughter's things along with my own and leave your disrespectful azz on the court house steps. Now if you want your fingers, your lips and your family, you will put that pen down and the booze too, you have had enough. If he does it anyway, leave him for sure, but go empty out his bank account 1st. I'm not even playing.

Answer 4

Stand up for yourself - when you see that happen, walk over and ask the woman to erase YOUR and his phone number from her phone.
If you sit back and watch the whole thing without doing anything at the time, it almost seems like you are more interested in catching him in a lie than you are in stopping the behaviour!
(that doesn't help you with ideas for addressing the drinking, but hopefully it will help you deal with similar problems caused by the drinking in the future)
............ re: Additional Details: wait a minute, you saw the woman putting the phone number into her phone, but then you talked to her and now you say she would never take his phone number? Really, stop making excuses for not taking care of things, you can fool a few people here by making up stories, but are you fooling yourself? You appear to be the enabler. Do you have a target number of decades to wait until he goes and sees a therapist?

Answer 5

First, tell him you are concerned about his drinking and how he makes you feel when he hits that point. Try to get him either to go to AA meetings or marriage counseling. You or your 6 yr. old does not need this in your life.
I know you might of had fun and connected w/ your husband again when you went out to the bar, but you are just feeding the fire. It's basically telling him it's okay to drink.
I had a bf like this, he was so abusive [never hit me, just by voice also] he even threatened to kill me at times. I was so scared to leave him, I waited until he was thrown in jail and then bailed.

Answer 6

You should have told the girl to call you first. LOL! Seriously, I'd talk to him when he's sober but if he's in denial planet, OMG - will you dump him and get a better life partner? Fighting with him when he's drunk is also pointless - like talking to a brick wall.... in this case, a prick wall. Plus, letting your daughter hear the argument is traumatic enough for her. Next time he gets drunk - leave him be. Let him flirt. If he falls off the bar, don't pick him up. He drank, got drunk, so let him pick his sorry *** up by himself.

Answer 7

I think that you know what you need to do
a drunk mans mouth (and actions) are a sober man's mind....or so the old saying goes meaning that
he feels these things when he is not drunk and the alcohol allows him to say these thoughts.
YOu might consider an ultimatium
if you dont have the stones to do that, you should video tape him and play it back for him the next day

Answer 8

I am so sorry that you have to experience the negative side of a relationship. I am a firm believer that every woman as the God Given right to be treated with respect. Whether alcohol is a factor or not, what he did is inexcusable. How do you handle it? You don't! You give him the ultimatums of sobering up and respectful treatment. If he doesn't comply, you start fresh in life.
You deserve it!

Answer 9

It is not easy but leave him. He is not worth it. He is taking you for granted and he probably thinks he is God's gift to the world. However drunk he can be, it is wrong for him to pass his number to another woman.
You and your daughter can do so much more. You do not need an alcoholic in your lives. Now, he is using his mouth to be mean and next time, he is going to use his hands. Think about it hard. Save yourselves.

Answer 10

That's rough...try to talk to him when he isn't drinking so much and tell him u both should come up w/ a plan when it is getting close to out of hand. Then try to leave..or slow him down. Take him to the dance floor and wear off some of that booze. Or if u have a camera cell phone...take pictures of it to prove it to him so u both can talk the next day.