what can i do if my husband is an unloving jerk?

Question

I've been with this man for a year and things have gone steadily downhill, he's had an affair, spent all our money, and I mean all of it. Won't go to church with me or to therapy. I married for love- truly, but it seems he did not. As I write this I know I've been a complete fool. He had a terrible upbringing but who hasn't had their share of pain and despair? Does anyone have a story similar to this where things have worked out? -Aside from the loved one being struck by lightening or having a concussion where the selfish personality is miraculously changed? Help.

Answer 1

Remember 4 items -

1) Listening

2) Reasoning

3) Understanding

4) Negotiating

You could try the long-lost art of speaking with your parents concerning your thoughts and feelings.

Choose a time when both parents have absolutely nothing to do. (They can't give excuses, then)

Remember that you might need to give up some of your time for this to happen.

Also, choose an atmosphere which is conducive for discussion, such as a "neutral" room of the house, or perhaps (if the weather is nice), sitting on a blanket in the back yard.

Above all, the atmosphere must be relaxing and no interference, such as TV, other people, music, noisy locations, etc.

The simple trick of communicating is CALMLY (and I mean calmly) discussing with your parents your thoughts, dreams, and hopes. Other subjects could also be included.

Remember the word calmly. It does no good if one raises their voice and tries to control the conversation.

Another trick is listening to their side of the conversation. Don't you dominate the conversation and keep your ears open.

Remember, you asked them for their time, so give them your full attention.

Most conversation ends abruptly because of non-listening.

An item of importance; if one of your parents says something you don't agree with, don't belittle them; instead,

Negotiate and ask them what would be agreeable to them.

(This tends to work wonders - it makes them stop to think, sometimes helping them realize they just might be unreasonable. But keep in mind - they might do this to you, so have some reasonable answers ready.)

Keep the communications open and two-way (or three-way, if both parents are present.)

You'll find that listening, reasoning, understanding, and negotiating are very effective ways of communicating and eventually everybody gets what everybody wants.

Answer 2

do you have kids?
he has made it clear that you cannot change him (refusing to go to seek help)
so the only thing you can change is your response to his bad behavior
basically you have two choices, either you deal with it or you dont.
Jerks dont turn into princes
since it has just been a year
I would consider cutting bait
at the one year mark you think of him as a jerk and he has already had an affair and put yoru finances in ruins
what do you think will happen in the next 10 years?
If one million people reply and say that they know of people who made some 360 changes, that wont change the one that you have.
you deserve better

Answer 3

well, i have been married for 26 years and after about 2 or 3 i was pretty much in the same boat as you we fought argued he didnt have an affair though (at least i dont think he did) I finally got so fed up with it that i had packed my bags ( they were by the door when he came hom from work , early) came in the house while i was on the phone with my mom . and he told me to just leave. i tried (my moms car broke down on the way to my house)so i told him to just not talk to me for the time im gonna be here and we will be fine . well in 2 days he had made an appt for therapy and we went . he actually did a 360 turn around and has been great ever since ,he even tells people about it all the time and in his telling , he says. "OH yeah i was an asshole "/

Answer 4

Has your therapist ever mentioned relationship training?
If he had a terrible upbringing, you'll both need to get into some relationship training because he most likely didn't learn how to make a good relationship with anyone.
I had a rotten upbringing and ruined a few wonderful relationships but now, thanks to some therapy and relationship/self esteem training, my current marriage of 14 yr is extremely good.
If you are looking for some miraculous change try relationship training - at least for your self and learn that it isn't miracles that make a difference - it's plain/simple relationship knowledge and skills.

Answer 5

How many times do you need to be hit over the head with a hammer.

you say "help" but everything that has happened to you in this marriage has been shouting out "help" for the last year.

No, this will not work out and you have to make decisions for yourself before you bring a child into this terrible. situation.

Get a divorce, move on, be happy and don't give this jerk any more thought.

If you want to live like this for a long time yet, just stay married to him and don't ask for "help". You are the only one who can help yourself.

By making good decisions for yourself and not keep clinging on to a man who does not want to be married.

Start making good, positive decisions for yourself and your life will turn itself around.

The only thing you can do with this unloving jerk, is to divorce him because he is never going to change.

Answer 6

what can you do??????? well the obvious is to leave him, he sounds no good and honestly you deserve better and you know it so why stick around, you wil find amd meet someone who will love and respect you in due time., but you need to let go of this relationship that really is non existent., having a sad past is no excuse for him to be like this infact if anything he should be the opposite of how he was treated in the past I dont know tahts just my opinion as I havbe has a horrible upbringing but no way in hell do I treat people especially those whom I love and are dear to me like crap, if he hasnt changed by now and doesnt know the diference between love and hate he never will, so time for u to move on....good luck!

Answer 7

yeah but as long as you don't have kids you can leaveeee. but i have in it for 17 years and don't feel any better than i did 15 years ago. i have older kids but not over 18. all i can say is good luck if you put up with it.life is what you make of it and decide.a terrible upbring is not an answer because you decide how to act. the guy i am with tries that answer i say your full of hit.

Answer 8

Sorry to say, but no honey. I have met woman that have been through allot of things with their husbands and endured it and then when they (husbands) got older, they decided to change. I also found out that it was years and years of pain and the husbands are now sick, can't have sex and on their last leg and need the wife to care for them. Leave while you still have warm blood running through your veins.

Answer 9

Sounds like you married a chump. If he refuses counseling of any kind----cut your losses now and get out! It's only been a year and things have gone that fast?? Get out!
You deserve someone HONEST, COMMITTED, FAIR.
You deserve someone to treat you with respect and love.
This man has done none of that.

Answer 10

exciting what number of human beings even as they quote Ephesians 5:22 (different halves, placed as a lot as your husbands) not in any respect the quote the verse at modern-day before that. "placed up one to a distinct out of appreciate for Christ". Paul then information distinctive the approaches different halves can placed as a lot as their husbands by ability of meet their huge style one emotional want, this is often appreciate. Paul then tells the husbands the thanks to placed as a lot as their different halves by ability of loving them and giving themselves sacrificially on their behalf. that infrequently sounds like the female is being treated as inferior or "lorded over". attempt reading the verses of their context a even as. similar with Col 3:18, The very next verse tells husbands to love their different halves. back, this is being instructed to satisfy the emotional needs of one yet another. I Peter 3:a million-3 is a touch diverse. the following this is speaking about women who've unsaved husbands. Peter tells them that by ability of helping and being respectful and loving to their husbands, they are better probable to entice them to the Christian faith. Peter isn't declaring that females are inferior, yet somewhat that they should be utilizing their lady knowledge to transform their husbands.