My husband called me "a piece of ****" during a heating conversation tonight. Enough to end a troublemarriage?

Question

We just don't talk to one another this way. We just moved, it's been stressful and he's starting a new job tomorrow. we have had problems with communication since before we were married. But we all have to have boundaries and I just feel I'll have no self-respect left if there isn't some consequence or sincere apology (which is very rare). The heated conversation doesn't even fit the offense. There was definitaly sarcasism by me but no name calling or personal attacks. We've been at a crossroad for awhile now. To the point that the new house is in my name only. I'm only 33 ,1st marriage and he is 44 and has been married prior for 13 years- no kids. We've been married just 3 years. I'm miserable a lot of the time but still love him ...I feel crazy. But I do have enough sence to know you can't be calling you spouse "a piece of ****' . What now?

Answer 1

Hi Terri ...

You are definitely right about name calling. Whether it's what was said or something less offensive. It is never OK in a relationship. You can't take back words and that stuff is hard to forget. This tells me, however, that you two are not communicating well. There is a difference between "communicating" and doing an effective job at it. Many people struggle with this and besides financial difficulty it is one of the top reasons people get divorced.

You say you still love him so that means something. Your husband needs to be able to apologize when he is at fault. That says a lot about someones character. He may just not know how to do that or perhaps he grew up with a parent who acted the same way. Of course people will suggest counseling. You guys need it if this is what you're living with. Sometimes an outsider can really help a couple learn to communicate "effectively" so that they are actually able to solve problems rather than just create them.

You need to really listen to your heart and not your head. Having the house in your name only really proves serious separation in your relationship. If you really love him than I say your marriage is worth a shot at counseling. If he refuses then I think that says a lot about his feelings for you. I don't condone divorce, but if he can't be man enough to admit he needs some help and that your marriage is worth fighting for than maybe you'd be better off without him.

Marriage isn't easy ... the fuzzy love feelings don't last forever ... it takes real work. Most marriages fail because it is so easy to quit nowadays. I say if you both can sit down and honestly say that the "good" things about each other still outweigh the bad ... then don't give up. Maybe you can even start counseling on your own to help you become stronger and perhaps to help you make the right decision.

Just remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side ...it's greener where you water it the most. You have to figure out whether your grass is still worth watering.

Best of luck to you ...

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Answer 2

The house I own had no heating system other than a blower box on the fireplace when I bought it. Several thousand dollars later I had central heat with a heat pump in place. I thought all would be great, until I got my first heating bill. If I use that thing I can expect heating bills to range from $300-600 a month in the winter. SOOOoo I have become something of an obsessive about tricks and alternative heating sources. 1. You would not believe how much outside air leaks into your house. Go around when it's cold and windy and put your hand over door cracks, keyholes in the knobs, window sills, even along the floor by the wall. If you can't plaster over the leak, tape it. All that cold air coming in just drives up your costs. 2. A $4 flannel blanket from Walmart works wonders when hung over doorways that are not regularly used. I also hang them over windows as a cheap alternative to heavy drapery. 3. Those fireplaces? Forget 'em. They'll suck out more heat than they put in. The only time a fireplace really does good is if you are either right in front of it, or you have a blower insert that forces the heat out into the house instead of sending it all up the chimney. 4. I can't say enough about those $1.25 draft dodgers that you stick on the base of your doors. Just peel the backing and stick them on. Any hardware store or Walmart will have them. 5. Insulation. When is the last time you checked it in your attic? You lose a LOT of heat through the ceiling, so a few hundred bucks worth of blown in insulation can save you thousands over a few years. You need at least 6 inches of insulation up there (I put in a foot!), so if it's all compressed down to a few inches, it's time to resupply. Look around, you'll find one of those radiators. I finally realized the heat pump was very efficient until the outside temp dropped below 45, then the meter nearly spun off it's base. So, I hooked up a free standing, vent free, propane fueled fireplace that will make the place toasty warm when the temp drops into the 30s or below. Avoid the temptation to get little electric space heaters. The energy they use up to make that little bit of heat is NOT worth it.

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Answer 3

I hate to said it, but if there was trouble with communication prior to marriage. That was your big red flag right there, lady. You see marriage is more than how one feel for the other person, its have to do how well the two of you get along, work well together, talk to each other, etc.

There is no need to lose any self respect because he is acting like a jerk. What is the main source of this bitter between the two of you? Starting a new job shouldn't be that stressful to lead up to name calling? Have the two of you gone for counseling? if not give it a try and if things doesn't show any change, I would said prepare to do things on your own and tell him to hit the road.

Answer 4

Like Lisa said, counseling. You said there were communication problems before you even got married. Then why did you marry him??

You say you still love him. Then talk to him and talk about your problems. Not a fight, just a frank discussion. Tell him you know the two of you are having problems, and want to work really hard with him to fix your marriage.

Marriage is constant work. It's not like it looks in the movies where people fall in love and live happily ever after. But if the two of you aren't willing to do the work, get out while you still can and before you bring a child into the world.

Answer 5

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N

Answer 6

Oh sweety I am sorry that is way harsh. I would say suggest saying a counselor, or even trying to get a vacation. Together or separate. Alone time can do wonders. Until them let him know how it made you feel, don't forget and act like its all good. I did that way too much in my life, and I regret being a doormat ever since.

Answer 7

We all say things when we are upset, that we don't neccessarily mean. I do understand that you are upset over this, as any of us would be. And you are absolutely right, he does owe you an apology. Whether or not you recieve one is another story. You should really sit down with your husband and explain to him, that you realize the both of you are under stress, but what he said hurt your feelings, and was totally uncalled for. We all go through rough times, hopefully you will be able to work things out.

Answer 8

you right......However, I don't think that's anything to divorce over but you need to teach him that's not to happen again because if you don't you will be like me and my husband. My husband call the first name in our relationship...he called me a bit*h and since then I lost all respect for him so now we both just call each other everything under the sun and that is sad. Now, we have a our first baby together and I thought it would change but it hasn't so I told him when our son get older if he call me out my name in front of our child it would be over.

So, just let him know now.that you are not having it

Answer 9

don't listen to these feminists. WORK through it! Ending a marriage is the easy way out. If you don't give it all you can and end it so easy like that, you'll regret it. Frankly I think he shouldn't have said that. But it's not enough to end a marriage..
my two cents...

Answer 10

obviously if u have had communication issues since before u got married then why did u get married? its more to the relationship then loving him, if he doesn't treat you right from the get go don't think that its gonna change after u get married...and if u have no self respect what makes you think that he or any other man will respect you. the only reason u are staying is basically because of financial security and it that is not the reason then leave....if love don't leave there anymore then lock it out and move on you are still young!