He wants to marry me now, but I want to live together a few months before we do the whole "I do" thing.
I'm a Christian, yet I can't imagine marrying my boyfriend without living with him first. When you live with someone twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, you get to see 110% of who they are. What if we got married and I find I can't stand living with him and we end up getting divorced?
I'm torn because my parents always talk badly about people who "shack up" without being married, yet my parents lived together before getting married and my Mom says she's glad she did.
Opinions?
2007-12-02 12:38:36 · 37 answers · asked by Original_Syn 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ultimately it's your own decision, but if you're truly worried about "shacking up", you can always get a place together that has TWO bedrooms. Each of you get your own rooms...so you'll still be able to see what living with him will be like. Then, if you're okay with that you can always use the other bedroom for a study or guest room. It'll let you test out the waters without making you feel totally guilty for doing it before you're married.
Me personally? I had no problem moving in with my then boyfriend, currently fiance. We'd already spent so much time at each other's apartments that it only seemed natural to get a place together. The only reason we got 2 bedrooms is because we knew we'd need some personal space so we wouldn't drive each other crazy in a smaller domain. The 2nd bedroom was our guest room/ office and was really useful when we had friends visiting. I'll have to agree with your mom, I'm glad we did move in first, because it gave me a better understanding of what to expect and see how we worked together on the bills and just plain washing dishes.
2007-12-02 12:54:33 · answer #1 · answered by carrot 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I've been on both sides of the fence. Not everybody who gets married stays married and not everybody who shacks up stays together. some people live together and never get married and last a long time. Others live together for a little while and end up parting ways. I believe that if two people truly are in love with each other, and they communicate openly and are as honest as they can possibly be and above all respect one another your relationship is going to weather any and all the storms.
Your mom and dads situation is ancient. Todays people are not like they used to be back then. You can't compare what your mom did to what you want to do. It's easier to walk out of a relationship when you live together then when you get married. In my opinion you tend to try harder in trying to work things out when you are married then when you live together. I tried harder married then I did living together.
If you are a christian then you should trust God and pray about it ask Him for guidance and His blessing in your relationship and if it is His will that you be together then so be it. I'm sure you've already tested the waters by sleeping with him and spending many nights together. If you have, then it's not that much different.
I'm glad my daughter and my son in law just got married instead of living together. They've been married going on 6 yrs next month and it is my observation that they have a pretty good relationship. They were high school sweethearts and they got married 6 months out of high school. I'm not saying it was easy for them in the beginning but they've learned to communicate, respect, trust, and be honest with each other. Nowadays 6 yrs for a young couple is a long time.
2007-12-02 13:02:17 · answer #2 · answered by 2cardinals 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Parents never want their children to "suffer" the same things they went through. It worked for your mom but she probably got more sh*t from it being an older generation and less liberated times. How long have you been "shacked up" with your BF? Usually by the 1st year you'll see a lot of "hidden talents" you don't normally see and if you can live with it, good. But you mentioned being a Christian so you know living together unmarried is basically a sin under the doctrine. Talk to you BF about it if he's also a Christian. If he rejects the idea, I would suggest a temporary separation of homes because you value morals and have some self-respect for pete's sake. How would you feel if your daughter would be placed in the same scenario?
2007-12-02 12:44:42 · answer #3 · answered by Equinox 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You are so right you will see 110% of who they are. I stayed with my boyfriend for 1 month before we got married and I was so unsure. I thought I knew him. Well guess again things that he been doing just became so clear now that I stayed with him. We fuss so much for like the 1st year of out marriage. I wanted a divorce 3 months after but being the christian that I am, I knew I had to work it out. I say live with him for a least 3 months. This is enough time trust me.
Me and my husband or still married. I just had our 1st son and things or going good.
Bless you and your boo boo
2007-12-02 12:45:59 · answer #4 · answered by Babygurl 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I believe in getting engaged, then moving in together. I definately think you need to live with the person before taking the plundge. You can back out of an engagement, but not marriage. Do not combine finances until after marriage. That is the biggest mistake a lot of couples make. My HB and I lived together for 3 months before marriage and his parents had a cow. We lived 4 hours away from one another before that, but we had been dating for 5 years. They were even uneasy when I would come stay for the weekend to visit. Hello, what do they think he did in college!!!??? No matter what the first couple of years of marriage are HARD! Living together, dating, and marriage are totally different things. I definately believe in a couple dating at least 2 years before getting married.
2007-12-02 12:45:57 · answer #5 · answered by bayoubelle24 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I have a hard time with this... I used to think that you should live with someone before you marry... for the same reasons you talk about. Then, I did... nothing ever seems to work like it should.
If you love him, and he loves you, for the right reasons then you deserve to be married and do it right instead of "shacking up". I am definitely not trying to insult, but I have just learned from my own mistakes.
Best of luck...
2007-12-02 12:53:46 · answer #6 · answered by sunshine 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you 100%. I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married...and wouldn't have done it any other way. You learn alot about the person you are about to marry living with them first. I personally think that is the reason why alot of people get divorced because they don't really know if the can truly live with that person forever.
2007-12-02 12:44:14 · answer #7 · answered by He_Knows_Me 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I honestly made the decision to wait until we were married before we moved in or got involved. We dated for 3 yrs and have been married for 6 yrs. Marriage is a compromise and if you can't live with him before trying him out should you really be getting married. That is the point that hit home most to me. Good luck oh and pray he will help you get your answer.
2007-12-02 12:44:38 · answer #8 · answered by jddl 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I was brought up in a Christian background, I did have premarital sex, but choose not to move in before marriage. We dated for about 1 1/2 years before we got married, and I was 20 when we got married, and we are still together almost 13 years later. The first year was ruff, but it's ruff regardless how you do it (living together or married first) I say do what you both feel is right.
You can't please everyone in your life.
And they will change regardless, we all change with age, and guys always change after you say those magical words.....
"I DO"
2007-12-02 12:44:25 · answer #9 · answered by Bradygirl 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't see it as a problem. I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago and now we're even more convinced we want to get married. If he really wants to get married then what difference does it make if it's now or in a few months? The important part is you're spending your lives together.
2007-12-02 12:43:44 · answer #10 · answered by Liron S 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋