Seriously!...anyone who answers my questions knows that they are typically whimsical in nature...this on isn't

Question

My oldest son has a wonderful, gullible, innocent, beautiful, girlfriend......and he is cheating on her. I know this as fact, as I became very close to his former girlfirend, who happens to be the person he is cheating with. Further, he just lost his job and she (the girlfriend) is paying his car payment, all the bills, etc. while he is looking for a new job. My stance; which I have made known to my sons many times is this: I am a woman first and a mother second.
Do I tell?
I think I do.
Does it make me a meddling mother, or an honest person who does what she thinks is the right thing to do?
My son will certainly resent me, and it will put a definate rift in our relationship, however, I feel very strongly about what he is doing to this young lady, and the guilt of knowing about it is making me ill. I have talked with him at length about it, to no avail. I simply think right is right, and although he wasn't raised to be this kind of young man, and I certainly did not model this type

of behavior, this is apparently the man he "is" at least in this instance.
What would you do?
Am I wrong to think that this young woman deserves to know the truth?...Even at the risk of damaging my relationship with my son, although at this juncture his being angry at me feels like the "lesser" issue.

**More information...my information is not coming from the former girl friend alone...It is something I have seen, and that he has admitted to me, as well as have his friends.
Sacrificing my relationship with him at this point is not feeling too awfully terrible, as my level of disappointment is overwhelming...certainly this will pass, as things like this do when it is your own child.......but again this goes against the grain of all he has learned from me. I truly wish he had not let me know anything at all

Perdie, he lives with the "new" girl friend

The former girlfriend who we have all know as a family friend since she was 11, admits that they still "talk" and admits to not much more. I don't interrogate her, as really I have been attempting to keep my distance from the entire fiasco. However, because she has been a part of our family for so long; (her mother was unable to raise her for many years, and thus I have been involved in her life as a parental figure prior to her ever dating my son) she comes to me in that capacity seeking advice, which is very difficult (as you can imagine)......and other family members are also close to her, and then come to me and tell me this is what so-and-so is doing.....
TRAPPED...............it is like a reality show.
....but none of them live in my home or even hang out here, with the exception of the former girlfriend who I helped raise....and since the break up, we keep that on the down low to some degree to make certain that Zachariahs new girlfriend does not feel uncomfortable.

Answer 1

*Sweety you have already made the right decision in your mind! Follow through with it & tell the young lady! Unfortunately your son is using her & she has every right to know the truth! You also will be teaching your son a valuable lesson! An added benefit will be that your son will learn a lesson of integrity* It may make him angry at you for a time but he will come around & know why you did what you knew to be the right thing to do*

Answer 2

Tough call. There are many ways you can play this, and many rationales to arrive at whatever answer you like.

Woman first, mother second? I'm not going to second guess your motherhood, it isn't my place, but I'm glad MY mother didn't feel that way, or my father would have ended up killing us all. I feel that a parent is a parent first, or they are negligent. Sorry, but that's my opinion, man or woman.

But that's another story.

Maybe it DOES make you a meddling mother, but the major good thing I take from your stance is that you will be teaching your son, in no uncertain terms, that you will not support bad behavior from him. All things aside, what he is doing is wrong, and good on you for not crumpling to doting overmuch on your son.

I don't agree with some parts of your rationale. In fact, I find some aspects to be downright questionable.

HOWEVER

What I do not find questionable is the decision to not support your son in his wrongdoing. What he is doing is wrong, and that should be the bottom line. Supporting some woman's interests over those of your son would be wrong, were he not the one who is at fault.

But your truth may not be my truth, and nobody has to hate or kill each other.

However, what your son is doing is most definitely wrong, and you should not support him in it. He'll know that if he robs anyone, don't hide the money with mom.

Sure, spill the beans, but do it because you love your son and want him to see that what he is doing is wrong, and that in doing wrong, he sets the world (mom included) against him.

Sorry, that 'woman first, mother second' thing rubs me wrong. I believe that would be equally suspect coming from a man. Imagine if your husband said that? Wouldn't that creep you out?

You should always side with your son. In this case, that means not allowing him to get away with being a despicable leech. Cutting off his wrongdoing IS siding with him.

EDIT: Lady Zania offers a very balanced solution to executing the informing.

Answer 3

First off..put yourself in her shoes...
if somebody was cheating on you & everybody knew expect you..wouldn't you feel like a fool...????

let's say, the girlfriend eventually finds out and she also (along the way) learns that you knew all this time..aren't you also cheating her in a way..??

sometimes it's the things *not said* that hurt the most...

while he is your son and it's his life, his choice, his actions, and you can't always be around to right his wrongs...you can bring him down to reality and remind him that what he is doing is *wrong*

he is playing a girl that continues to support him in every way..
(can you ask him how he feels about that..??)

It's tough for you because as a woman we all know the harsh reality of being cheated on & manipulated...

However, he is still your son and choosing sides between family is always the most difficult thing a person can do in their life..

while you got some good advice here..the matter lies in your hands..we can give our opinion & what we think..but in the end it's all up to you...

you have to listen to that inner voice that is telling you what it thinks is right..even if it does only whisper it sometime...

even though one party may turn against you in this situation..don't you want the burden of the guilt lifted off of you..??

I will leave it at that & my wishes of ((Good Luck))

Answer 4

This is a horrible situation to be in. It doesn't matter what you do, someone is going to hate you for it.

For starters, even if you are a good friend with the ex, she may be stretching the truth a little, or acting out of spite. I wouldn't risk my reputation on what she told me. The moment you suggest something's going on, then the denials are going to start flying.

Second, you don't need to call the GF up and lay it all out for her. Drop clues, make suggestions, give her direction. If she just plain doesn't want to believe it then that's her issue.

Your responsibility to your son is obviously a big question. It isn't "should you side with him or his GF", it's "are you doing him more harm by telling her or by letting him get away with it." If it were just a "him or her" thing the answer would be obvious. It's also a matter of how much you'd be willing to sacrifice. Getting involved may result in the two of them learning important lessons, but you can guarantee that they'll both hate you for it. She's probably lost to you either way you go, but your son is a different matter. Is it worth it?

Answer 5

You don't say whether your son is still living with you, which I think is an important thing. If he is, then I think you need to talk with him and straighten him out. But it sounds more like he's not, he's on his own. You probably need to say something to your son first. Then if you're really close to the former gf, you can ask her what's going on. But there's no reason your house should be turned into the set of Jerry Springer. Tell your son and the former gf that neither of them is welcome in the house until this thing is straightened out. It's wrong of him to keep bringing his current gullible gf over when everyone else knows what a cad he's being.

And I hate to say it, but your son will soon get exactly what's coming to him. Younger women these days kick boys like that (I won't say "men") to the curb.

Answer 6

His behavior is totally wrong. We impeached a President over this sort of thing. Yes, tell the new girlfriend. He will lose his car and everything else. Unless he has some friends he can crash with he will probably be out on the street. It's a tough lesson to learn, but he needs it. If you haven't already, you might give him an ultimatum, 'knock it off as of today or on December 24th I tell the new girlfriend what's going on and all the details'.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

I would. He needs to learn that for someone as wonderful as his girlfriend she does not deserve to be cheated on. Your son may think you're a meddling mother but if he has not done anything despite you talking with him to no end he has made his choice. Though have you put it into perspective for him, ask him to really think long and hard about how he would feel if she was cheating on him but he was paying for her car, bills, etc? How disrespectful that is to someone who is doing so much for you and other similar role reversal type questions. If he still doesn't get it then she doesn't need to be with him.

Ultimately he will make his own bed and lie in it but hopefully you can get him to think before he ruins his relationship.

Answer 9

You would be doing your son a disservice if you allowed him to continue with this destructive behavior without consequences. You would also be doing the girlfriend being used and cheating on a disservice by keeping her in the dark.
And, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you violated your own conscience. I would tell your son, that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior, and give him a week to tell the girl what he is doing, himself. Give him fair warning that if he does not come clean within that week, then you will tell her yourself. That way, if he does not come clean, then he only has himself to blame, when you tell her the truth. You must follow through on your threat to tell her yourself if he does not, and you must also have what ever proof may be necessary, just in case the girlfriend does not believe you.! *sm*

Answer 10

People could see it as meddling. But If he's taking advantage of this young lady and also cheating on her she needs to know about it. Sounds like he's not the right person for her yet. And shes taking care of him and paying all his bills... Geez wonder what's next on his list of things to hurt someone??? I'd say yes to let her know and let her handle the situation as she and he see's fit. She may leave him. But he's got the other gf too. Maybe he needs to see what a jerk he's being to the other one. Good luck with your moral dilemma.