men... in need your help, what does this mean? women too if you have an answer?

Question

him - "if you are not happy,then you should leave" (after me saying im not happy with the way things are) then in another convo, him - "not working it out is called 'running', you rather run then work it out"(after me saying maybe I should move out been on my own because we have some issues. This was stated on 2 dif occasions. I think it is obvious some things need to be discussed and clarified between us.

a little history on us...
been together for 8 years almost nine met when i was 22 been livin together almost since we met. Hit it off real nice when we met and in the 3rd year he ran into problems and needed a very strong woman to put up with his situation (dont really wanna put him out the specifically but it is what it is) and i did and helped him through his troubling time through out that period (2yrs) HE told me (with out me nagging) ohh you are my everything we gonna get married blah blah blahhhh. I never pushed the issue because i was just happy being together and in love nothing else mattered so then he came out of the situation and has been for almost 4 years and doing well and I never heard any of the mushy mushy since. But were still together, but what happened to all the "oh you are my world" stuff? Was I taken for a ride? am i still? He does have a lot on his plate (3 kids baby momma issues that makes things harder for us and the kids takes care of the house financially and i do everything else) fair bargain? I dont know if we are ready for marriage and that is fine but why dont he even mention ANYTHING about what he said before or no updates or nothing.???
I know its not all his fault and i not even looking to point the finger, just wondering if i missed something or being taken for a ride because thats not cool.
I want some answers not a specific one but just something to go on...so why dont i just ask???
so i dont look like a stalker cuz im not! im trying to get answers with looking like a nag any suggestion are appreciated.

PS if you are going to bash me for mistakes already made dont waste your time, thanks.

I was thinking of just askin flat out if he is happy with the relationship in general and is there something about me that bothers him. just a start, am i being reasonable?

I asked several questions an answer to any would help

Answer 1

He is not mature enough to be able to handle a disagreement. One day he says, "If you don't like it you can leave." When you decide to leave he accuses you of running away.

That's manipulation on his part. In both cases, he got what he wanted. You shut up, you stopped disagreeing/arguing with him, and you're still with him.

It's called "emotional blackmail" and it's a sign of emotional immaturity on his part.

As long as it continues to work for him, he will keep doing it. So, if you enjoy having him act this way, keep doing what you're doing.

There's no point in trying to reason with him, explain yourself, or appeal to his sense of fairness. With normal men, that would work, but men like yours (emotionally immature) aren't capable of seeing how their actions impact those around them.

The only way to get him to stop is to respond with something he doesn't like. When the consequence of his actions is something he doesn't like (i.e., you leave for the night) and he consistently gets that response, he'll learn pretty quick to stop behaving like a jerk. But it won't be because he cares about you. It'll be because he doesn't like the consequences he has to suffer.

Best Wishes, I hope this helps! :-)

Answer 2

First, with your last statement - " Just thinking if he is happy with the relationship" - who cares if he is happy, right? The whole point of your question is are YOU happy. Sounds like - no - so now what?
Well, you knew what you were getting into in the first place, so did you expect change?
Is this the 7 year itch a little late?
I can tell you right now as long as you do not nag, he is fine.
So, is this what YOU want?
You sound like you are still young - 30ish?
There are plenty of good men out there it just might take some time to look.
At 30ish though be prepared for a few with some baggage of some kind.
And again, do not waste your time asking him if he is happy. Just pack his things, say thanks for the memories but I feel we are going no where and I need more than that in my life, take care, no hard feelings, good bye.
Otherwise, don't complain about the bed you have made.

Answer 3

Men in general, are always happy with the status quo, in their view, if it isn't broken, why fix it? They also hate it when women "take a temperature of the relationship." Meaning they get uncomfortable with being serious, discussing to them means trouble, like being called into the Principal's office in school.

They are extremely grateful when you stick with them through illnesses, crises, death, that's when they're the most vulnerable and grateful. Work, stress, daily life take their toll on any relationship. I think he meant it when he told you all that "mushy" stuff.

But since then, he hasn't had to go through with all he's said and change, in any form, is scary to men, period. They call it cold feet, but he may be trying to keep you without committing to you fully, he has 3 children with 3 different women, he's bound to have trust issues.

You're not being unreasonable, you can ask him all you want, you deserve that much, just be prepared for where it might lead. Good luck.

Answer 4

Wow I feel the confusion and hurt in you by this letter. Honey I was in this kind of situation too but without the children. I was in a 10 yr relationship. Let me start by saying When you find the one who speaks to your heart and who desires the same things in life as yourself you will make him very happy. But you need to be happy as well its a two way street.
Don't settle for a man who simply doesn't communicate with you. Look for one that you feel a deep connection to, who respects your needs, shares common goals, treats you as an equal and loves you for you. As long as you have communication, compromise and compassion you can tackle any mountain together that is the key.
Ultimately, you need to make the choices that are right for you.
Make sure the choices you make are with a clear head. Don't allow loneliness, alcohol or frustration to force you to do something you would regret later. Make your choices healthy ones that in years to come you can look back and know that you made the right choice. When the moment is right as is the person. I think you will know. Everything in life unfolds in its own time.
Best of Luck...keep your head up :)

Answer 5

Geeezzzeeee.....
I can't even read all that garble because I'm annoyed!

The honeymoon is over and has been for some time now. Each of you have let other things come in between you......work, his kids and ex, family, friends, life in general.

If you love the guy, are happy with him, content with him most of the time, then why leave?

Answer 6

Generally speaking if men are content with a situation they won't say anything. No offense to women BUT they can remember conversations from two or three years ago and throw it back in our faces.

If you are not happy with something the tell him that something is bothering you.

You should ask yourself. Is he beating you? Is he out drunk with his buddies? Is he gambling your money away? Is he a fat slob? Is your life so bad? or are you bored?

Answer 7

"If you're not happy, you should leave" translates to :-
1/ I don't see the problem
2/ I have no intention of fixing the problem or changing
3/ I wish you would.
"Not working it out is called running, you'd rather run" translates to:-
1/ This is your fault.
2/ your not trying hard enough.
3/ You're the problem so if you go it will follow you.
4/ Its your job to fix this - I'm not at fault here.
Both seem to be saying the same thing, its not his fault so he doesn't have to fix "IT".

Answer 8

"if you are not happy,then you should leave" means
IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY, THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

Don't get any simpler than that. Ain't nothing to over-analyze.
But Ima still breaking down for you tho

Step 1. Are you happy?
Step2. If the answer of the step one is "yes" Then Leave, otherwise stay if You want.

Answer 9

You really need to learn how to tell a story, re write it again, dont change the question over and over, change the cronology of the story. just because you change the questions dosent mean youre gonna get different answers. i still think you really screwed up.
do you know what cronology is?

Answer 10

Lady, YOU need to make yourself happy and loved. Remember how were you when he told you these things - looks like you were the strong one at the time, but now, it seems you lost it - with wondering and doubts about yourself......You see where I am getting at?