Do you think I expect too much from my husband?

Question

We have been married for a little over 3 years, and have had an ongoing issue about chores around the house. We both work full-time and don't have any kids. I am under the impression that he feels as if he should not have to do chores, unless HE wants to do them. The only thing that he will do when he does is wash the dishes. When I say he washes the dishes, that's what he does. He wipes off the countertops and the stove, but he refuses and I mean refuses to clean and clear all the stuff off the table in the kitchen. Also, he rarely sweeps and never mops the kitchen floor. He usually won't put up all the pantry items either (that were left out). Also, he never throws away leftovers that have been in the refrigerator. If I want it done I have to do it. He will, on occasion, "straighten up" the living room. That involves clearing off the coffee and end tables, straightening the pills up on the couch and maybe vaccuuming but that's it. He never dusts or polishes the furniture.

We have four bedrooms and two bathrooms, and I don't think he's every cleaned ANY of these rooms. As a matter of fact he hasn't. I have mentioned this to him before. I told him it seems like the only thing he wants to do is wash dishes. He denies it, but yet, everytime the other rooms are messy he'll say "This house is a mess! Since I'm off tomorrow I guess I'll clean it up". But when I get off work and come home it's still the same way when I left.

I used to spend every single weekend cleaning the house. The entire house, from top to bottom. He'd praise me on how nice it was and how we were going to keep it clean. You know what he does? He'll only clean up what he put down, but when I clean up I get everything up -- regardless of who left it where.

Also, when he wants to cook dinner (and he does that often) -- we both share that responsibility, if the kitchen is dirty he'll get an attitude if he has to clean it up first. Either that, or he'll refuse to cook.

He does cut the front and back yard twice a month or so (but it's winter now). And please people, don't say "He's a man ... you just have to do it because he's not going to ... that's just the way men are". I don't make excuses for myself so I sure don't think it's appropriate to do that for a man.

We absolutely cannot afford a maid, and he would never allow it anyway. He's too "private" and wouldn't trust anyone to come in and clean.

Also, our bedroom has been in a mess for about a month now. I left it like that just to see how long he could walk by all the snack boxes, beer bottles, etc. that are on the nightstand on HIS side of the bed. We just have tons of clothes in bins everywhere, and shoes are scattered.

Oh yeah, I do 90% of the grocery shopping. He'll stop the store if HE'S cooking something and needs to get something. Otherwise, I load an usually unload all groceries (he'll help me unload sometimes ... but he expects me to be right there helping him unload). I keep track of all bills, worry about making arrangements if necessary, etc.

Answer 1

I have the same issue with my wife of three years, only she does the dishes (only thing she'll do.) I find it very frustrating because I was raised in a clean environment, but judging by her mom's house, she wasn't. I have planned out several ways for us to manage the task of cleaning the house and keeping it clean, but she just refuses too follow along. I really don't view her as being lazy, she honestly doesn't think the house is nasty when it is. To really compound things, she lets our 1 year old daughter's messes just stay in the floor. I'm always cleaning and she says "I worry too much about what other people think", no, I just want a clean house. All I can say is try to create a plan and stick to it. It's easier said than done (I should know) but it might work for you.

Answer 2

Maybe he honestly doesn't really know how to clean that good and thinks he's doing a great job. Instead of complaining about how much he doesn't do, be thankful for how much he does do and praise him for that! You know what they say.. If you want positive results, speak positively to people. Maybe you could tell him something is really bothering you and you'd like to take time to have a discussion about it. Bring pen and paper and ask him what would he like his responsibilities to be. and agree on that. As resentful as you are now, please do not have any children for a while until you resolve this. Babies are a LOT of work and take a lot of energy, and you will start resenting your husband even more and being angry all the time because you will have NO free time. Unfortunately, you know where that leads. God knows there are too many families split up already.

Maybe on Saturdays, say between 10 to 2, you designate that as HOMEWORK DAY and you both clean together. Put up some music and dance around and play and clean. Make it a fun thing.. Race each other to see who can finish first. If you are given lemons, make lemonade!

P.S. Sometimes there are just more important things in life than the house being spotlessly clean too. Prioritize. I have 4 sons and work full-time. I have learned (take that back...I'm LEARNING as I go) what the important things are in life.

Answer 3

From what you wrote it sounds like your husband does do things but you want him to do more?. I do all the grocery shopping in my relationship and I unload them! Yet, I ask him to bring them all in from the car and to clear out the frig. while I'm grocery shopping. We have a daughter together so he helps out ALOT with her. He always cooks dinner and I do the dishes. He has always believed that cleaning is straightening up and I believe that cleaning is dusting, vacuuming, doing the windows, etc...so I do all that and he does the straightening. It's give and take in relationships so if you truely feel it is unevenly shared then just give him specifics chores you want him to stick to. For example, ask him if he could be in charge of the living room and one of the bathrooms and let him. If it gets dirty then see how long it'll stay dirty. From your story it actually sounds like you both share the responsibilities equally but you 'feel' like you do more because you do more physical labor...like getting a towel and cleaning products and wiping everything down. Hope I helped.

Answer 4

i am having the same problems! me and my boyfriend have been living together for a year! we have a dish washer mind you and he wont load it or unload it. i do all the grocery shopping and buying the house hold things. he works for menards and he wont bring home laundry soap or toilet paper etc.. i have to buy it all and he wonders where my money is going. i cook dinners. i clean the house and do all the laundry. i have to take out the trash to the curb on fridays. i get the mail. i even have to shovel when it snows or rake and mow in the summer. he doesnt do a dang thing unless i nag and complain and threaten to leave him. he will do it for a couple of days then stop. for example, we got into a huge fight just a week ago thrusday about household chores. he said he is lazy and hes sorry.... that saturday he mopped the kitchen floor. he hasnt done anything since. last night he came home from work and washed his jacket and long johns. it was snowing really bad and they were wet. he took 2 loads of laundry out the drier and threw them on the couch without folding them. now the cloths are wrinkled. i just spend 4 hours yesterday cleaning and doing laundry and it was a smack in the face. he had plenty of time to fold the cloths!! now i have to do it cause he wanted his things washed. this morning he walked out the door to work without kissing me cause i didnt wake up early enough to make him coffee to take to work.. if you figure out how to fix this let me know.....

Answer 5

hang it there it will get a little better, but not much. Most likely his mom did everything for him when he was at home, and he thinks that is the way it works now. Not much you can do about it other than no wash his close, pick up after him (but you have to live with the mess to), been married for going on 40 years now and the only time the old man helps is when I pitch a fit, but that only makes my blood pressure run up, so I just do it and b!@# the whole time.

Answer 6

Just have a talk about each of you cleaning your own messs up. If you get things like this started then it becomes a habit. I have been to friends houses where when someone is coming over they both clean and at other houses where after you eat a bowl of ceral the dishes get washed. Talk and find what works in your house. Seperate laundry where each of you do your own or just one place setting each for dishes so that they cannot ple up. find what works for you two.

Answer 7

Well i work full time construction and do a paper route in the morning for extra money. He sounds lazy. This is what i do.
1) dishes every other day
2) laundry every day so it does not build up
3) sweep the whole house
4) wash all floors on the weekend
5) straight up the house every day

Answer 8

You can be "right" or you can be happy. Making lists of what your spouse doesn't do has never worked. What worked for me was learning that my husband would do ANYTHING I asked him to do if I was very,very specific about it and asked in a loving manner. For example, " Honey, could you pick up the clothes and get the wash started for me while I strip the bed. Then I need you to help me make it. It goes so much faster when you help." "Thank you!" Sad but true, most men don't have the nesting impulse; they don't SEE what women see. Most DO want to be helpful... but it's usually up to women to steer the boat. AND we have to learn to accept what's given in a loving spirit. Telling them you would have done a better job at a chore than they do won't get you any cooperation. The most one can really hope for is to teach our sons, as I taught mine, how to DO things well! Good luck to you both...and to your family. Keep in mind that it's women who teach their sons.

Answer 9

Did this guy suddenly change when you married him? Like, was he a complete and total neat freak who you could control and then the day after the wedding he turned into an inconsiderate slob? No? So you married him, knowing what kind of a guy he was, hoping you could change him and now you are whining about it. Fuhgedaboutit.....life's too short...get a maid..........and yes you can afford it.......you definitely CANNOT afford this stress....

Answer 10

youre over analyzing....you married the guy, now you want him to see everything as you see it?...doesnt work that way.

I'd try more encouragement than the blame game. Men are like puppies, they need goal and reward. My wife says to me..."Merg, Ill be gone all day...it'd really turn me on if the dishes were done and the bathroom was cleaned." And guess what happened??? there wasnt a pube to be found...