*****
Hey You!
This road is long
The lanes are narrow
Destination, has a name
You may call it, what you want to
But it’s all, the very same
I’ve come here
An individual
Free to say, what I believe
Because I know, that silent living
Is a fearful, web to weave
So hear me now
Young sons and daughters
From the edge, I say to you
Better try, to find your voices
Or your dreams, will slip right through
*****
2007-12-02 01:23:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I just added 'young' today. It needs a beat there.
2007-12-02 01:55:36 · update #1
Love it! You're thinking in a very broad, wonderful scope! The 'voice' is a difficult thing to bring out of some people, but have a voice they do!
Your first and last stanzas are 4,5,7,8,7...did you plan that?
If you take out 'young' from the last stanza, it will mean the same...because after I read through it a few, I got the distinct picture of them being young. "From the edge' is marvelous!
Maybe taking out 'better' in the last stanza would make it sound less 'demanding'. And how about, for the last line..."Lest your dreams slip fast through...but, that would interupt what you're doing with the syllable count!
Why am I being 'pick apart' this morning? I dunno.
The message is a wonderful one, and you've chosen correct words to get it across!
Don't mind me, have't fully woken up yet! But, I do know what you're saying in this.
Elysabeth Faslund...Poemhunter.com
2007-12-02 01:54:09 · answer #1 · answered by Elysabeth 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Cute rhyme to introduce children to poetry and the ideas therein.
2007-12-02 09:32:48 · answer #2 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Bravo! Very good indeed
2007-12-02 13:39:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's still flat...on the bottom.
2007-12-02 09:34:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋