*****
Shhhhhh
The warmth comes first,
Before the sun even lifts an eye…
I lie and look at your contours
Your golden hair
I watch you fill with each breath and sigh
The whispers inside
Make me wonder of the places you dream of
Am I with you
On your pillow
Or high in the clouds that surround you
Not to awake you…
I cannot resist, a touch
*****
2007-12-01 23:53:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Thanks Elys...these are still warm from the oven. I will work on them after they cool off. I appreciate your input...did I mention...standard text messaging rates apply...
2007-12-02 01:25:09 · update #1
Wow! This is great - a real keeper. I love it. So much love and tenderness. A beautiful snippet of a moment. And the title is super too.
2007-12-02 04:05:09 · answer #1 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I love the visual imagery. I've never believed that a picture is worth a thousand words. Surely, a lover can hear "the whispers inside" from the way the beloved is breathing. The tenderness expressed in this poem is incredible.
2007-12-02 08:36:34 · answer #2 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Love the first two lines...perhaps you do not need 'even' in the second line? What about throwing out 'and' in the 3rd and replacing it with a comma? Do you need 'and' in the 5th line, or 'I'? Something about the 5th line that's too long. You don't need 'of' in the 7th line. The rest is way good!
Not to be picky or anything, but when I see a good poem like this, with just a few things stopping it from WOW, I get picky...sorry!!!
This is a soft, lovely poem...now you make me want to write!
Elysabeth Faslund...Poemhunter.com
2007-12-02 09:19:38 · answer #3 · answered by Elysabeth 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i like it
starts out good
has good content and subject
needs work at : the whispers inside/make me wonder.....
i would explore that area some more
it's good though keep at
2007-12-02 08:04:11 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Makes me want to crawl back under the covers!
2007-12-02 09:42:16 · answer #5 · answered by Reenie: Mom of Marine 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yeaaaa I do .........Bu the whispers area neds some attention
2007-12-02 08:22:12 · answer #6 · answered by Andrew M 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like it very much...but one thing that instantly comes to my mind upon reading this poem is "breakfast in bed". =)
2007-12-02 08:15:09 · answer #7 · answered by Dark Dickinsonian 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes its absolutly lovely.good on you.
2007-12-02 07:58:14 · answer #8 · answered by pollbee 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
yes, i think it's great
2007-12-02 11:32:38 · answer #9 · answered by Analyst 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes! :)
2007-12-02 08:10:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋