Should I be angry about my husband sneaking around watching porn?

Question

I'm a married SAHM. My husband is lying to me about porn. I've found it on our computer before, and was angry because he's spending our money on it and hiding it. If he'd just be open about it, and even ask me to watch WITH him once in a while, I'd be totally cool with it. I've made that very clear to him in the past. Just be honest, and dont lie to me about spending our money on it. But when I went into our internet history to find a site that I had visited before, there were a TON of visits to a porn site that day, and the day before. One he SAID he had cancelled the subscription for. I'm home all day. The only time I can think of that he's doing this is when I'm in the bath. I'm pregnant, and I'll curl up in the tub for a couple hours and read a book. To make matters worse, he will TURN DOWN SEX when *I* want it, and only have it with me when HE wants. WTF? He could have me whenever he wants, but instead he's wasting his sexual energy on porn, and denying me sex when I

want it. I've had this discussion with him over and over. I dont like him hiding this stuff from me. And I really hate that he will choose porn over ME when I'm more than willing.

How do I deal with this? I understand the need to fantasize and stuff, but not when it involves lying about where our money is going and denying me sex. If he needed MORE than I was willing and able to give him, I'd understand. But I'm not frigid and I'm not a prude. I have needs too, and I'm sick of being left unsatisfied when he's getting his cake and eating it too.

I know it has nothing to do with me being pregnant. We've had a child before, and it sends both of our sex drives through the roof. I know he's not worried about hurting the baby, or grossed out by my body. He tells me all the time how much me being prego turns him on. For the most part, the sex is fantastic, but its like sometimes he decides he's too lazy to please anyone but himself or something.

**** I've tried things in the past like changing the computer's password, and such. Because he also has an internet gaming addiction to World of Warcraft and it takes too much time away from our family. Cancelling our internet isnt an option because we're in a contract and the fees to break it are astronomical. Locking the computer or simply taking away the cords doesnt work either. He says if I'm going to be that controlling, then I should just get out. Its "his computer too, and he pays for it" so I have no rights to do those kinds of things.

Answer 1

get rid of the computer then no more internet porn.

Answer 2

Porn isn't necessarily a bad thing, but feeling ashamed about it and hiding it from you is definitely a problem.

If he spends this much time surfing porn, it likely isn't something he's every going to completely give up (at least not over the next few decades). You need to find a way to reconcile this within your relationship so he doesn't have to hide it and you don't feel threatened by it. The sexual component to your relationship should be an open dialog between the two of you.

You might consider counseling to help break down some of these walls. It did wonders for my wife and me. She dragged my kicking and screaming to our initial appointments, but the reward of being totally open with her about absolutely everything was worth it, we were able to reach a whole new level of intimacy...and developing strategies for keeping those pathways open has given our family the fighting chance we deserve.

Answer 3

I used to look at porn and thought there was nothing wrong with it. It is an addiction. It doesn't matter how much you and he have sex or how close you are, he will still look at it until he realizes how wrong it is. My reasoning used to be, its not real and I'm not cheating on my girlfriend and not hurting anyone so, whats the big deal. Its very destructive in a relationship and a man can actually get so addicted that he gets to a point where he loses desire for his wife. He gets caught up in the whole fantasy thing and will blame his addiction on you. I am married now to the woman who used to put up with my excuses and reasoning. She is a great woman and we have a great sex life. We don't need porn to fulfill any happiness. Love is the greatest thing for a sex life. Don't let him put this on you and blame you. It has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with lust. He is tearing his marriage apart and thinks he is doing nothing wrong and that you're causing all this trouble. I got involved with church and joines a mens group. We studied the Bible and held each other accountable for the things we were doing wrong. I really thought there was nothing wrong with porn at one time. God didn't intend for there to be porn to satisfy those needs and urges. As husband and wife, we are suppose to be there for each other. Maybe if he would stop paying attention to the women in porn and more attention to you, you might desire to be with him more. Being desired and wanted and feeling loved and respected does a lot for sexual desire towards the other person. He has to realize for himself porn is wrong and that its not your fault before you can make this better.

Answer 4

Most Men have no understanding how women really feel emotionally. I know how you feel when I was pregnant with my son. I found some of my husband porn. Don't get me wrong I was not happy about the porn but really what made me mad was that he was hiding it. then it made me realize he must think he is doing something wrong or he would not be sneaking around doing it.
I talk to him about it. He said all guys do it. I ask him point blank do you know how this makes me feel being pregnant feeling less attractive. Then he starting thinking a little about it. With a men you need to explain how you are feeling not that you are just mad. They don't get it.........
so Hun, just sit him down and talk to him show him that you care.. that you not only want to be please but you want to make sure you are pleasing him because you love him..
tell him you need him .....
I hope you two work everything out and calm down and remember that you have a special gift on the way....

Answer 5

Next time spend 10 minutes in the tub instead of the 2 hours and get out and catch him red handed... he wont have no choice but to discuss it then... i think he has a real problem turning you down for sex. I KNOW how that makes you feel... and with you being pregnant cud be a time bomb waiting to go off... You and he need to get this worked out now... If not it will cause a lot more and bigger problems later. Sorry hun, I'm sorry that your going thru this now, should be a wonderful time in your life waiting for you miracle to get here. Personally i think your husband is being a selfish JERK.

Answer 6

That must be frustrating, I can't even imagine. my friend is in the same situation and when she tried to initiate something he was already burned out from watching porn.. Which doesn't make any sense, why not have the real thing? but anyways, I am guessing it's just something he will have to give up on his own, there isn't much you can say or do but just get it off your mind and let it be..I guess that isn't uncommon for men to do, a lot of guys are into porn. That's so irritating though...you could try talking to him again and see why he is doing that, but it doesn't sound like he willing to be honest or straight forward with you..well, good luck. :)

Answer 7

He has no respect for your needs or for your position as his wife. He also shouldn't be spending money on porn since it is free on the internet.
If he is doing it secretly even though you've told him you would watch it with him then maybe he is not attracted to you while you're pregnant. Have you talked to him about it? Some men think it is gross to ejaculate in the same area that the baby is growing. Others think that they will hurt either the woman or the baby.
If he has an addiction then you should consider whether you really need internet access or not.

Answer 8

Flirting and porn are variations of cheating.

Ask him to stop. And you and he together work out some boundaries like using the computer only for checking email and news.

Get a tracking system or check on him periodiclly. If he doesn't. Invite your minister over to have a chat with you two about this.

If he refuses to cooperate with counseling, apply social pressure by telling his mother, sister, minister, church, friends, etc.

He should read the book called Everyman's Battle by Steve Arteburn.

Porn is serious and as you see, it's already wrecking your marriage. Now he wants porn more than you and porn tells him it's ok to be selfish and please himself (quick and easy rather than pleasing a real woman).

Notice that porn is at an alltime high and so is impotence, divorce and the sales of products like Viagra.

Joy to you!

Answer 9

It sounds like your husband has a problem.. he's addicted to porn... and that is totally not healthy.

There are many books, as well as therapist that deal with porn addiction.. and the reality is, you may have to push him to seek that professional help if he can't control himself.

In the meantime there is software that you can purchase that will block porn. So that may be good.

Your other option.. unplug the computer and put it in the closet.. (hide all the cords) and tell him when he's getting therapy for his porn issue, then we can reinstate the computer.

You also should consider marriage counseling.. simply because the sneaking behind your back can cause trust issues in your marriage.. and that will need to be dealt with with a marriage counselor to help regain that trust once he fights this porn thing. Also it can tear down your self esteem as a woman and his wife.. to be denied sex, so he can jerk off alone.. that's pretty insulting that he'd prefer a monitor to the real thing... and because of esteem issues and respect issues.. you both are going to need some professional help.

You'd be suprised at how many marriages break up over issues like this. But if you look aside his addiction to porn.. the issues are deeper.. much deeper.. there are marriage issues of trust, respect, self esteem, resentment etc.. that all need to be dealt with..

My best advice.. get a porn blocker program... and then get into marriage counseling with him.. they can help you with most of your issues.. if his addiction isn't that far gone.. if it is... they can refer you to someone who can help in that arena.

My sympathy.

Answer 10

For whatever reason he is not happy if he can't share that stuff with you...the porn isn't the problem, the lying is. There are no secrets in marriage.

Sit with him and ask him what he likes about it, don't ask if you stack up though. You guys need to get to counseling NOW though...this is the early stages of a relationship that is lacking comunication...good luck for.

Answer 11

If you have been upfront to him about the fact that you dont care and are actually willing to watch with him, I don't see why he is hiding it. Maybe because it is not only the porn that is getting him excited, but the fact that he isn't supposed to be watching it and it is a secret?

Sit down and talk to him about it. Dont act mad, even though you may be. Just tell him that you found it and that you are hurt that he hid it from you, not that he was watching it. Then bring up the fact that you feel umm..ignored. That you would like some attention as well...especially since you are pregnant. Those hormones have to be driving you crazy. and the fact that women who are pregnant-especially in the later months-tend to feel unattractive anyways and him not showing interest in you isn't helping.