ShouldI I stay or go?

Question

I have been married to the same man not 1x but 2x's. He cheated on me with my distant cuz and when we got a divor. they moved in together and had a child. I remarried him a few yrs. later. Since then he has cheated on my I know 2x's. Don't know if it involved sex or not. I don't think he's cheating now! However, for the last 1 1/2 yrs., the sex has gone from 2-3x's wkly to 1x a week. Never seconds. Only 1 round. I forgot to mention he is 16 yrs older than me. He will come home sometimes and not even say a word 2 me. Then the next day he may talk me 2 death. However, he does have funny ways!!
If I question him about something such as him calling his baby mama on the phone only when I'm not home, he catches an attitude. He thinks I'm just suppose 2 trust him, but he messed that part up! We never go anywhere 2gether like movies out 2 eat etc. I get tired of that. He will say he will do better, but don't.
I love him, but I'm tired of living like this. Am I being selffish or what?

Answer 1

I don't know that you're being selfish, per se.

In life we make choices. And they're not always the right ones. That's why we call them mistakes.

As one saying I heard years ago went, "It's okay to make mistakes, but for heavens sake, make them once!"

I will point out to you that as we get older, we do (generally) tend towards less and less frequent sex. So long as the moments you do have sex are still mind-blowing, then it's probably not a worry. But if the sex itself is blah, or if you suddenly realize that masturbation is more satisfying than sex, then yeah, there's a major problem in that department.

You shouldn't have to be living in a state of being perpetually tired of this. You shouldn't have to be constantly questioning whether he's cheating on you.

If you had married another man the second time around, it wouldn't be fair to judge him based on your ex's behaviour.

But c'mon already. You divorced him the first time for a reason. Did you make a mistake marrying him, or did you make a mistake divorcing him? You can't have it both ways.

Let's assume for the moment that you're going to divorce him. My concern here is that you'll carry forward all sorts of trust issues into the next relationship. And maybe the one after that, and the one after that.

Marriage (or any relationship, really) is like a 3-legged stool. It's supported by Trust, Honesty and Communication. If one of those gets a little wobbly or broken, it gets really hard to balance on the remaining two. And could quite possibly cause one or both the remaining legs to give.

So you have to ask yourself, is this stool worth fixing? Or is is it so far gone that you're better off tossing it out and getting another stool (ie, another relationship)?

I should also mention that if he's out banging other women, he clearly didn't get that out of his system when he married you. Bad on him. The fact that you took him back and remarried him: Bad on you.

Answer 2

Selfish? Darlin, unless your a sado-masacist looking to be miserable the rest of your life I would move on...very quickly. This person has been using you for years and the only way he will ever respect you is if you stand up for yourself and move on with your life. I realize that this isn't easy for you, as it never is, but how much worse could it possibly be? Do you really think he loves you or respects you? No person would ever do that to someone that they cared about, especially with a family member. You already stated that you were not happy and that you can't trust him. What more do you need to make a decision? There is one very important motto to live by in life and that is **** or get off the pot. If your not happy with listen to yourself and leave. If you decide to stay with him then deal with him, his lifestyle choices and habits whether it is right or wrong. One final point on the issue...Why are you attracted to men like this? Is it because you only deserve men that ignore you and act like they may be cheating on you? Have you been in this type of relationship before? Is this a pattern that you are noticing with all of your patners? That may be your biggest problem. If so, I would ask yourself why and you will find the answer that you were looking for. I hope this helped a little.....

Answer 3

ur not being selffish. if he really loved u he wouldnt have cheated on u. he is also 16 yrs older so he might not care for u that much he might be lookin fo some1 his age. and from 2-3 times a week to 1 time a week, i bet he was plannin on marrying u then gettin half ur money when u divorced. he might not work as long as he says he could be with some woman he found in some bar he was at. just go and never ever ever look or talk to him after u leave. or leave when he is "at work". leave a note dont tell him where u go though. got it, this probably isnt any of me business, but i hope i helped GL

Answer 4

no, your not being selfish. And there is something wrong with the fact that he can not talk to the baby's mom, in your presence, something is very wrong there. He does not seem to care if your happy or not. He does not even try to keep his word. This relationship doesn't seem to mean much to him. He does not need to go anywhere because he's had his time out, so to speak, he needs no change of scenery, he's had it. If you add it all up, the answer equals trouble. I think it is time you left, i think that is what your feeling. I also think, he feels you can't live without him as you've always let things go and taken him back. What use is a relationship, where your taken for granted, without trust, or respect.There's something much better waiting for you else where.

Answer 5

been there...kinda. basically ppl will take your kindess for weakness...you've gotta get him while he's really listening and tell him exactly how you feel ....be very very specific ( as possilble...us girls..lol:) tell him what you need and want out of it and mean every word. even an altimadem... stick to your guns and don't back down...cuz that's
when they're like..."ok ,i can slide by this , around it ect." AND WON'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY....in the mean time , do for you ,what you need to be happy ....life is too too short ,to run behind a partner who could care less. Also , when a man cheats...i'm not saying they can't change BUT, keep in mind that he will always be capable of taking it to that level with someone else , and once again, forgetting you , who he's had the opportunity to love . i was cheated on too and i'm currently with him ...it was three years ago,we were 18 ...but were so much better.i stayed cuz there's nuthin' fishy in the midst since but i feel you girly. i dont exactly think your guy deservers a chance though ...if he was really sorry he wouldn't of repeated it.
Rena _zebra

Answer 6

You're not being selfish at all. But he is. He's cheated on you before. Honestly, I don't even understand why you married him after knowing he had a kid with someone else.


Girl, he cheated on you. He married someone else, had a kid and then went back to you. WTF? He treats you like crap. He's not even trying to make up for things he's done. The only reason he should be calling his baby's momma is to be somewhat of a father to the baby, not to talk to the momma. He might go back to her just for the kid. Or he'll just end up using you until you give him a kid and then you're stuck. And if he's not afraid to leave her and the kid to come back with you, he could leave you with a kid for some other woman.

If you're not financially dependent on him and you don't have a kid or anything/anyone else involved who depends on the two of you being together, leave his sorry a$5. He doesn't deserve you. It's not going to get better.

He has never treated you as a lady and never acted like a real man should. The longer you stay with him, the more time you lose finding yourself a real man.

Take some time to take care of yourself afterward.

Answer 7

You should definitely leave! He doesn't deserve your love and you deserve to have someone that really loves you. You shouldn't be wasting your life on someone that treats you this way. Life is too short and precious. Some day the right man will come along, who will love talking with you and doing things with you. I spent 17 years married to a man who never wanted to talk or spend time with me. I got rid of him finally, and now I have a wonderful husband. You should definitely do the same. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Answer 8

no you are not being selfish. your husband has established that he will not be faithful to you and you should get him out of your life. i know getting a divorce may seem expensive but i don't see any other choice for you. you should go on a website like lawguru.com you can ask a question and an attorney will give you an answer. it's not a substitute for legal advice, but it will give you some idea of how to procede. i was reading another question you asked and you say you own your own home but the sheriff told your husband in front of you that you can't put him out because you both get mail there. go down to the law library at your cities' municipal center and do some reading up on the laws or your state to see what you can do. armed with enough knowledge you could probably file for divorce and represent yourself. but get a free consultation. or spend a little money on doing it. it'll be the best thing for you. if your husband won't spend time with you but finds the time to cheat on you, then he doesn't want to be with you. you say you love him but does he love you enought to want to save your marriage? pose the question to him, and tell him that if your marriage isn't important enough to him to want to fight for you, then you would be better off without him. take the time do get to know you and find out what it is that like, want, and need. learn who you are and appreciate and celebrate you. decide what you will or will not put up with in a relationship so that the next time you enter into one, you will be well informed and well armed, not just hopeful. and don't jump into a relationship on the rebound. you should have a healing/cleansing period of reflection so that you will become whole. a relationship is made up of two whole persons, not halves or parts. without being whole, you lack the strength to hold up your end of the relationship. and by holding up your end, i don't mean covering over for his behavior or putting up with things that you ought not to, i mean being able to stand up and say " i will not put up with this", not "i can not put up with this". become decisive. you sound conflicted. do you really love this man or do you think you cannot live without him? does he love you, not like how you love him, but how you ought to be loved? that's the question. when you answer that question, you will know just what to do i wish you all the best

Answer 9

Move on, hon.
You are a slow learner... you tried, but it only just got through your head this time. Congratulations.
By staying in the marriage with this creepo, you are likely to wind up with a venereal disease.
You are also not going to be able to plan your expenses because of child support cases popping up out of the woodwork.
Take what is yours and get out. Sue for community property.
Go find yourself a real man who is mature and responsible, and will look after you.

Answer 10

It is never selfish to want and expect certain things from your husband. You two definately should go to couple's therapy. If he refuses to go, than just find a therapist for yourself. He sounds self-absorbed. He may not be actually selfish but simply unaware of your needs and unable to handle the ones he knows about. He had a baby with another woman so he will always have feeling for her so your questioning their conversations is perfectly reasonable. I also see why he doesn't want you to overhear. You may need to talk to the other woman.
It is not abnormal for sex to diminish in a relationship. Especially if one of you is truly getting on in years. Since you are obviously not satisfied, than talk to him about upping the frequency or getting kinky.
Please remember that marriage is more than just sex. If you are so miserable that you no longer want to grow old with him, than leave before you grow old and are too set in your ways. If you still see yourself being happy with him in old age, than this can be overcome.