Here is a poem I wrote. What are your interpretations and opinions?

Question

Live like the birds
(12/1/07)

Our vision is distorted
from the diamond's gleam
blinded from warm morals,
recklessly grasping for shallow dreams

We all have imprinted our brains
of wealth equaling a reality of bliss
when in reality it buries us in dense pride
as our laws of morals are remiss

Oh, I feel like I'm possessed
by of a curse of corosive desires
casted by gleaming stones
so exquistive in raging fire

So lets become outlaws,
for having hues of a tranquill blue
contrast of the hues of red whose
gluttony morphs them into pure fools

Strip our eyes of gleams
of diamond and gold
enable our inner serene
breeze to unfold

Throw away our transparent
burdens one by one
in cleansing
of our meditation

Lets live like the birds,
and yield to deviation.

Note: I don't usually write in rhyme- I normally write free verse. I don't know what's wrong with me!lol....

Answer 1

Of the poems I have read on here today, I really like this one the most. Well, it's a tie between this and Jonny's Freshman year piece. There are some grammatical mistakes that would help if corrected.

Also, try to do something with stanza #2. It doesn't really belong there.

Answer 2

Our vision is distorted
from the diamond's gleam
blinded from warm morals,
recklessly grasping for shallow dreams

That's beautiful imagery. It's very powerful and also what I feel is one of central themes of this poem.

We all have imprinted our brains
of wealth equaling a reality of bliss
when in reality it buries us in dense pride
as our laws of morals are remiss

The ryhme and idea of this poem is circular and parallel; it heads in one direction, does an about face and smacks you head on. Nice.

Oh, I feel like I'm possessed
by of a curse of corosive desires
casted by gleaming stones
so exquistive in raging fire

Good imagery. I like how it reverts back to the first stanza of the poem. It keeps the main idea.

So lets become outlaws,
for having hues of a tranquill blue
contrast of the hues of red whose
gluttony morphs them into pure fools

I like the assertive first line, the "so let's become outlaws". I don't understand the significance of the choice of colours. The only thing I could come up with was blue being a passive colour, and red being an aggressive colour, generally associated with anger. I'm probably way off though.

Strip our eyes of gleams
of diamond and gold
enable our inner serene
breeze to unfold

Again, here's the central idea, almost mimicking the very first stanza, except this time you are assertive and give an opinion rather than just an explanation. This is good. :)

Throw away our transparent
burdens one by one
in cleansing
of our meditation

Another good assertion, good lead up to the best line of your poem, which would be

Lets live like the birds,
and yield to deviation.

I love that last line.

The ideas in this poem are things that most people think about a lot, but that doesn't detract from it at all; most poems are things commonly known to people but are discussed in a new and interesting manner. I think this is good because not only is it a clever way of discussing things most people have on the tips of their tongues, it's just pretty to read. Good imagery throughout it dazzles you with diamonds and gold, much how people feel if they consider the focus on wealth and material in our society.

I liked this a lot. Descriptive and opinionated.

Keep up the good work :)

Answer 3

The last stanza seems incomplete, maybe you could add just two more lines? if not it does sound final, powerful and hopeless all at the same time. I usualy write only in free verse but the rhyming here helps it to flow and be understood. Overall its very good. i liked your metaphor about colours being expressive but also limited.

Answer 4

i believe you are talking about how wealth controls our frame of minds and steals our focus as we indulge in it's hypnotizing gleam and take advantage of it. usually this results in selfishness and stuck up people. we need to step back from all the wealth and take a look at the world around us and how many people are less fortunate then us. Sometimes we need to give back and make the world a better place for those people

Answer 5

This is a beautiful poem! It has so much beauty and body. So much shape and beautiful words that touched my heart! Keep upi the good work. You are a true poet. 100% #1

Answer 6

Beautiful and deep, definitely something to show others. Keep with it, dearie, you're doing amazingly. Whitman is jealous.

Answer 7

wow!

this is one of the best poems i have ever seen on yahoo answers

well done.