My SO and I have been together for almost 17 years, we own a house, cars, bills and all that goes with a long term committed relationship. ATM we have a lot of bills and because of everything from my job to the price of gas the bills are out of hand. I know from past conversations that he doesn't like to talk about money, but stupid me opened that can of worms last night.
so the question is, how much do you tell your mate about something they don't want to hear about? our money effects us both, but it seems I'm the only one to worry about it, how do I get him to talk like an adult about something he don't want to talk about at all.
I should note, he doesn't blame me or my job for our woes, we don't fight about anything, and even this wasn't a fight, but I left the conversation feeling like it was my fault and that I have to face this issue alone or listen to his rantings
how much does one have to carry alone to keep the peace?
just thinking outloud this morning
2007-12-01 03:19:12 · 11 answers · asked by vjustmehere 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I need to add that I needed to tell him, he spends money some days like we have it, and it just runs up the credit cards, then he tells me they are the problem and I need to burn them.. right now they are my only back up
2007-12-01 03:20:14 · update #1
No subjects should be off limits to the 2 of you at this point. You have been together for 17 years and you maintain a household TOGETHER. Money is always a difficult issue for any couple to discuss, it is the leading cause for divorce in the US. Just try to have a rational calm discussion about it, without being confrontational or accusing (even if you want to be b/c he's spending like he's King Midas), because that will cause him to go on the defensive right away. Maybe come up with a budget that could work for everyone. Good luck!
2007-12-01 03:25:43 · answer #1 · answered by ♀Redheaded Sunshine☼ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is an adult and a married man and he needs to act like one. The credit cards are not the problem. They do not charge up themselves. If he cannot control himself you need to take them away from him. He runs them up and then it is your responsibility to get them paid for? Do you have a budget? If you do not you need to get one. My husband and I never spend money that is not agreed upon. He takes care of the bills. He likes to and I don't. When we want something we save for it. It never goes on the credit card. If I were you and he will not help you then I would give him a weekly budget and that is all he is allowed to spend. Tell him there will be no credit card charges because you cannot afford it. Tell him also that you the bills are your problem then they are going to be done your way. Do not give in once you tell him this. Marriage is a partnership and you have been left holding the ball with no one around. This is not fair. You should not have a lot of bills. You need to live within your means. Do you have money saved for emergencies? If not you need to work on this and getting your bills paid down. This can be very stressful to have too many and to have to worry about them alone. Good luck.
2007-12-01 05:43:17 · answer #2 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am very open minded but I think that open mindedness has nothing to do with the issues that you are facing. If my husband and I are having issues that affect both of us then he talks to me about it whether he wants to or not. It is called being a mature adult. Ignoring issues do not make them go away and putting all the stress on one person is just not fair. A couple should face their problems as a team and solve them together...or at least find a solution to solving then together. I think your SO is being very selfish to not discuss these things with you. If he knows you guys are having mney issues then it shows a certain level of immaturity on his part that he spends money like it is no big deal. I say write him a letter and explain to him how important it is to you and your relationship that he communicate with you. Then again...after 17 years he may just be like this and stay like this....You should not have to carry this alone. You just should not! You aren't 100% to blame so you should not be 100% responsible and have to carry the brunt of your money woes on your shoulders. If the letter does not work then I guess just nag..........LOL!!!!!
2007-12-01 03:56:14 · answer #3 · answered by whatshername 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is just like my husband spend, spend, spend. My husband spend when we have nothing to spend. lol.....My husband owe so many bills and this effects both of us. He doesn't like to hear about because what he don't know won't hurt. He doesn't even open the bills. I tell him about it anyway because if he keep making as if those bills aren't their and keep spending then when he finally open his eyes and see all the bills that have mounted up ...he will be so stressed out. So, it's best you tell him about it now because in the long run the damage will be much worst. Big financial problems are one of the biggest causes of separation. So, I would speak up.
I do it all the time and I can say I now got it under control
2007-12-01 03:33:05 · answer #4 · answered by Babygurl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It really takes two people working towards a common goal to make finances work. He might not like to talk about money or deal with it but he needs to be an adult about it and deal with the reality of your debt. If you are always taking care of things everything will be your fault, failure or success. Making your financial standing "your fault" is childish and is just his way of not dealing with it. Make a plan to get out of debt and stop spending, especially on credit!!! Credit is no back up plan, your savings should be. If you dig a credit hole you might never be able to get out of it. Tell him to pick a time that's good for him and both of you sit down and make a budget, a plan to get out of debt and a savings plan. If he refuses, cut up his credit cards and take the reigns. A person who refuses to look at the reality of things shouldn't have the responsibility of spending. Good luck :)
2007-12-01 03:45:23 · answer #5 · answered by oracleofohio 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My suggestion to you is that you sit down with all your bills and work out your budget. Factor in everything that you spend money on, gas, food, the occasional night out, etc. Be realistic...not what you think you should spend on something, but what you actually do. Then come up with a plan on paying things down or off. Put everything together in a chart and post it in the kitchen or wherever you can show it to your SO. I would suggest taking his and your credit cards and putting them in individual ziploc bags full of water and placing them in the freezer. This way you have to REALLY think about if something is worth taking the time to defrost the plastic. (I had to DOUBLE bag!!) Just let him know that you want to spend the rest of your lives together without having to worry so much about money and that you have come up with a plan so he didn't have to worry about anything. Best of luck to you!!
2007-12-01 03:40:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hubby and I have been together for 20 years. We basically talk about everything. When it comes to money, I have a better analytical mind for it and can basically sum up the ins and outs in my head. He knows this and always listens. This is my strength and his weakness.
For your situation. You need to be the bigger person and take over the finances. If you don't, you'll always have problems. You need to sit down, put everything down on paper, figure it all out, what you can afford and not. Show it to him, let him see the numbers...they don't lie. If you don't force him to visually see it, he won't believe it. Men are very visual....
I would have to make a deal with hubby sometimes, make him see the accounting...then flash him a boob!! lol. Good luck.
2007-12-01 03:28:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You had better get your financial situations straighted out real quick...or you are going to ruined....He should be very concerned about his spending habits...one day it is going to bite him in the azz big time.....I communicate with my husband daily....we are a couple and we both respect one another...and if one of is concerned about something...we talk!
2007-12-01 03:25:33 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
money matters is important in relationship. everything spending detail must be shared. don't hold anything back. if he doesn't want to hear it that's also your problem. create a budget that you must both live with. separate finanical responsibilities & concentrate anything under your name & both names.
2007-12-01 03:35:09 · answer #9 · answered by hi91977 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I consider myself to be very open minded.
2007-12-01 04:01:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋