I am terrified that I killed my father 33 yrs ago...How can I cope with the guilt?

Question

I was 8 yrs old, visiting him at his house in Maine. He'd been coloring with me on the floor, & stretched out & fell asleep. For some reason I jumped in the middle of him. He came awake, grabbed his stomach & threw up. Later that day he couldn't get out of bed. I went in my room & played, never checked on him. I remember feeling unconcerned, like I didnt care about my own father. After a couple of hrs his girlfriend came over. She came in my room & scolded me for not "looking after him" or at least calling someone, with him being so sick. When he was throwing up blood she called an ambulance. But it was too late & he was gone by the next morning. He was only 28. Now I have learned he wasnt my real dad. My mom led him to believe I was his -- I had his dark Greek coloring. He was the sweetest daddy anyone could have, and I killed him by not caring enough to get help! My mom tells me to move on and get to know my "real" dad.
Please how do I wake up everyday and not feel this hurt?

I went into his room to see why he was in bed. He told me he couldn't move and he couldnt get out of bed. The part I have the hardest time with is he DID tell me to call an ambulance, and then he instructed me to call his girlfriend to come and watch after me....which I did NOT because I didnt like her. It was not his fault. I'm not exactly blaming myself either. I KNOW I didnt do it on purpose.
It kills me that I didnt call the ambulance when he told me. It's unthinkable to me now.

Also, noone knows that I jumped on him unless he still had presence of mind enough in the hospital to tell them what happened . Only he knew what happened. I never told his girlfriend that I might have hurt him by jumping on him. That is another thing that I deal with, what if I had just TOLD someone they would have had a a better idea of what to do?

Answer 1

Do you really believe an 8 yr old child jumping on thier Father's stomac would have the force to kill him? Not likely. Your Father was probably already sick. No you didnt administer the final blow either. Do you think the sweetest Daddy would want his adult child to walk around feeling miserable over guilt the way you must? The guilt will kill you. And its probably over riding the genuine love you feel for him. Let it go. Let all the good memeories wash out the guilt. Your Mom sounds like a peice of work. If she lead you to believe he was your Father then, who is she to say he's not now? Where was your real Father when she was having another man play Daddy to you? And a good one at that it sounds. She should honor him in death as much as she felt he deserved the honor of being your Father when he was alive. Thats pretty selfish of her. Dont let her issues mess with your head. Get to know your real Dad. Forgive him for whatever it is you feel he needs to be forgiven for. And having him take his natural place doesnt mean you forget who was your Dad for the 1st 8 years you needed one. Give yourself a break. You deserve it. Think about it like this. If you loved a child enough to call that child your own for 8 years would you want them carrying the burden of guilt for 33 years because they were playing and jumped on you? I didnt think so. Let it go. He's probably looking down wishing you would. Wake up and smile.

Answer 2

You didn't kill your father. You were 8 years old. You can't feel guilty for something you did when you were 8. Even if you did kill your father, you were 8. At age 8 you were young. You can't blame yourself for doing something when you were 8. And besides, you DIDN'T kill him. He might have been sick. Even if you did call for help, there might not have been anything the doctors could have done. So you didn't kill him, no matter how much you believe that you did. And I'm sure your daddy's up in heaven right now, happy and smiling. He would want you to move on.

Answer 3

If you were 8 yrs old and he barfed blood and did not do anything himself except go lay down how could anyone in there right mind scold you.....for leaving a person who was an adult and old enough to call an ambulance or whatever himself that chose to just go lay down.... You basically did what they intended you to do, you took care of your self and was well behaved.......
Because of the early trauma you probably will need counselling, not because you did anything wrong but because someone made you a scapegoat and made yoou feel shame....which you did not deserve......Good Luck, it can be fixed it will take time.......It never ceases to amaze me what adults do to children out of ignorance and selfishness...

Answer 4

Wow.
You can start by forgiving yourself.
You were only 8 years old!!!
How are you supposed to know
that your father was sick?
Don't put the blame on you.
Although he is not your blood father, he still cared for you like his own child so that makes you closer then you will ever get with your biological father.
It makes no sense to me that you should feel hurt over something you did when you were a kid. Childhoods are filled with mistakes because the maturity level is still growing.
You mattered to your father & you still do because he knows deep down inside his heart that you meant no harm. He is looking down on you in heaven right now. No matter what anyone says you are not accountable for his death!

FORGIVE YOURSELF.JUST FORGIVE YOURSELF & THEN YOU WILL GIVE THE POWER TO OTHERS TO FORGIVE YOU! EVEN IF THEY MAY NOT, LIVE A PEACEFUL LIFE && ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT LIFE GOES ON & ON & ON...

Good Luck =)
♥♥♥

Answer 5

Martha, you did nothing wrong. You were just a little 8 year old girl. You didn't realize that your dad was so ill. If you had realized it , you would have tried to help. It is clear that you loved your daddy, and that you would never purposely do something to harm him. His girlfriend was wrong for scolding you - she was probably just scared, and you were a convenient person to blame. That doesn't make her right, though.

It's time to forgive yourself, Martha.

Your daddy's death was not your fault.

Hang in there,
~M~

Answer 6

very funny ,you cop for 33 years and ask as how you cope ??