What's my problem??

Question

I am in a very unhappy marriage. My husband and I have been together almost 14 years and married over 10 years. It's not that he's a horrible guy, but he certainly has some issues. We have been in counseling for months and I'm not seeing much change. I really think that the marriage should end, for both our happiness and the happiness of our children (as we fight a lot and have a stressful home life at this point). That being said...I don't leave. I stay...just as I have stayed all these years when I truly knew years ago it should have ended. I feel like I need to stay in order to ensure my children's "proper" raising. He lies, drives drunk, and is selfish. If I stay married to him then at least I can limit my children's exposure to these things, but I am miserable!!! What's my problem? Why don't I end it???

Answer 1

I'm sorry for your situation. It isn't easy.

I can tell you something from a different perspective. I was the child who watched my parents just tolerate each other. I watched my dad drink himself into a stupor and then take it out verbally on my mom. So from my point of view as a young child (let's say, 5-7 years), I wanted to have a normal family.

But from about 9 years old and on, I HATED being at home because of the fighting and stress. I wanted them to get divorced. I WANTED it to happen for my mom's welfare and for my own good too. Your kids don't care about a "proper raising"... they care about their peace of mind and the happiness of their mom!!


So... all I'm saying is that your kids know what's going on, and when they reach an understand age, they may want you to leave (but never tell you in so many words). Maybe that's what you're subconsciously waiting for.

Good luck, and find happiness where you can.

Answer 2

Many things to consider here. The major item being the stability of what you have at the moment vs the unknown. When you feel the courage to take on the unknown, I believe you will.
Until then, weigh what you have, vs what you can achieve.
Staying together purely for the sake of the children is the largest misconception. An unhappy, unfulfilled marriage does more harm than good. Add fighting and stress....What does that leave? I dont understand what you mean by 'proper raising'. How does living a lie become proper.?

Answer 3

How long has he behaved like this? I suspect a long time. A couple months of therapy won't fix this. It took a long time to get where you are and a long time to fix. A repaired marriage is amazing!! Much better than before.

Divorce is horrible for everyone involved, then you have to find a new Mr. Right.

The problems you mentioned are fixable. The mere fact he is attending counseling with you is a wonderful thing. If you are happy with the counseling progress, perhaps a different therapist is in order.

Best of luck.

Answer 4

Because you know deep down inside that divorce is difficult and that living on your own and raising your children on your own is tough. You're probably wondering which is worse; struggling on my own with kids as a single mom, or staying with a self-centered, lying drunk. Most people really don't stay married for the children's sake and quite frankly, you're not going to ensure a "proper" raising for your own kids by staying with a lying, drunk. So, yes, I believe you are miserable, but until you can see how wonderful it could be if you begin anew, you'll just remain with him, miserable.

Answer 5

There's a lot more going on this relationship than presents itself to you. I would recommend attending Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis as a good start. It only takes a hour a week. People are very accepting. They're not prying. They'll glad to share their lives. They'll glad to share what they've learned. They are glad to listen if you feel you want to share. They have excellent literature that is a combination of the experiences of many women you have found themselves in the position you find yourself in now. They know your pain. They will share what they have found that works for them. They are not dogmatic. The won't make you commit to some creed. There are no dues. There's also Ala-teen for the children. It could be the best move you ever make for yourself and your children. I know it was for me.

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

You may very well find a contact number in the blue pages of your local yellow pages that could get you a listing of the Al-Anon meetings in your area.

Answer 6

I would say fear is the reason you have not left by now.
I'm sure people have told you that staying in a relationship such as yours is sometimes more harmful then good for your children's overall well-being. So although, your words say your reasons for staying up until now, the question you have to ask yourself is who is really being sacrificed with your past decision to stay. Maybe if you can answer honestly, and if you can then, and only then you may find the courage to finally leave.

Answer 7

I have seen way to many people stay in a relationship because of their children. I think you should leave him if you want to and get a lawyer. I wouldn't want my children with anyone who drives drunk, just being drunk alone.
You shouldn't have to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. If you stay with him, your kids are going to be miserable to. I understand where you are coming from, it's hard when you want to protect you children. Get a lawyer. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Only you can answer this question. The answer is inside you but you can't seem to get to it. One way to try is to get some paper and start writing, don't take the pen away from the paper, just write about anything or everything until some moment of clarity pops out. Do it every few days for a while and I'll be you'll have your answer of what to do If that doesn't work find a therapist for yourself and see if he/she can help sort it out.

Answer 9

if he has ever been drinking and driving with your children in the car, that would be the end for me! why put your children in that kind of danger? i would not call that "proper raising" your happiness is important too. just don't start dating right away, give your children time to cope with this.. this is life altering. take things slow..

Answer 10

I stayed in my marriage far to long because I thought it would be best for the kids. It wasn't. They needed a stable home life without the daily conflict and they only got it after the divorce.

It's time to do what's best for your kids. Get out before it's too late for them.