a poem....again......waiting to be criticized, polished or commented....?

Question

13 ships set forth on a voyage,
One day in the year of the same dangerous shore
Brairing thestorms and winds with courage
The smallest led them to a fruitful anchor

A ship came thwarting a hazardous sea
A mishap befell on the way,
She preferred to be left and the load be free
But the others, pursued with gay

Beguiled by friendship this happy trip,
By laughter and merriment among the captains of the ships
Each and everyone enjoying the trip
Though with problems they begot..............

......still unfinished............ it is a continuation of a poem i asked about 12 hours ago........

thanks for the answers.... to tell the truth... when i read again the 'one day....' line... i was confused too....

and i'd understand if you won't or can't understand the poem........it's not that good and .......again.......incomplete......

i'll accept any comments that will be thrown at me......

Marco M,

sir, to be honest.... those lines weren't written by me..... but rather it was written by my grandfather..in 1946 ....at only 14...coincidently...my age now........
so time do affect a poem and words.....

but don't you think that poems are an outlet of a writer.....so they can use any style in wordplay.......


and to all of you..... some lines weren't written by me....but i wrote most stanzas or lines....

Marco M, though i contradicted you a bit.... i gave you a thumbs up....can't contemplate why though...

Answer 1

you should check your spelling and grammar.
i think instead of mishap in the second line of the second stanza you should use a more powerful word.
Its a little confusing, although i did not read the first part. especially the part "One day in the year of the same dangerous shore"
hope this constructive criticism helps!

Answer 2

Why are you using quaint language like " . . set forth on a voyage . . .A mishap befell . . . problems they begot. . ." etc? That's language a literary Victorial would use -- not a contemporary American writer.

My guess is that you're writing about some normal event -- a field trip or something similar -- but you're trying to clothe in a period costume because you think that makes it more literary and lofty. It doesn't -- it makes it pretentious.

Remember the event, and whatever was interesting, poetic or significant about it. Then tell me about it it in the everyday language you actually use. That doesn't mean you can't use literary devices like metaphors, symbols, etc. Just make them real so I can have the same feeling you had.

Answer 3

here are some ideas - you are in another boat and you are watching this ship and you are taking pictures with your camera but instead you use words. what mental pictures come to mind when you see the boat, what does it remind you of, what symbolism can you tie to it, what is happening with the hull, the sails, the people, the cargo, the captain, etc.. what's the water doing, what about the wind, what sounds do you hear? see what I mean?
I'd start over and try again. if it were me.

Answer 4

It's a poem written with some problems, some writers problems, some thinking problems and some idea problems...

Answer 5

Let's see...I love this poem. It's very good. I like the imagery I get when I read this. It maybe unfinished but I think when it's finish you could publish this.
Have a good day.

Answer 6

Needs meter - uniformity of foot - try to think of it like a lyric - the beats in each section of the verse should be the same, and each verse should be the same.

Try tapping your foot to it.

Answer 7

It's pretty good I got to enchain I right poems my self as well as songs and story's I WORKING ON ONE ALREADY 2 1/2 PAGES LONG AND I'M NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING DONE.

Answer 8

This poem is very clever, keep going!

Is it about the Revolutionary War? Slavery? I want to know

Answer 9

The wording is a bit odd.

Answer 10

Woaah. Great job! 10/10! :D ♥