Poem-Need help with title and need critisism?

Question

As I lay down,
And try to sleep,
Dreams don't come,
I start to weep.

I'm not used to this,
This...sleeplessness.
What's wrong with me?
Where's my bliss?

Then I realize the problem,
So I lift my head.
I sit myself up,
Straighten my legs.

Get out of my bed,
Go down to the den,
Where my mom sits,
With my daddy Ben.

"I love you", I say,
In my childish voice.
"Goodnight and sleep well!"
Inside I rejoice.

I cross the room,
And give each a hug,
Add on a kiss,
Get a drink from dad's mug.

And back to my room,
Where I drift off to sleep.
I solved my problem,
No more counting sheep.

It's alittle childish and dumb, I know, but I kinda like it 'casue that's how I was before. I couldn't sleep w/o givin' my mommy and stepdaddy a hug and kiss!

please tell me what yoiu think

Answer 1

If you present it as though you were a child, it would work better.

"Now I am Sleepy"

Answer 2

It's not bad, with a few minor changing it could be even better.
1) stanza 3 last line possible change to: and straighened my legs.
2) stanza 4: leap out of my bed, head for the den, where my mother sits, with my father Bed
3) stanza 5: in my small little voice - (the rest of the stanza needs work - try to visualize something else here) you may choose to just change all of the verses in this one.
4) stanza 6: verse 2: give each a hug and kiss, something so small, I should not have missed
5) stanza 7: now back in my room, I drift off to sleep, my problem solved, no need to count sheep.

As for a title I really can't say perhaps: "A sleepless day", "An easier way" "The easiest way" "Couldn't Sleep"
What was the first thing (one word) that came to mind when you started writing this piece? Use it as your title.

Answer 3

It's a good poem but I think the problem need to be more clear. In some parts it sounded like a story. I love the imagery in there. It's very good. I think you could have stopped the poem at "I solved my problem" I don't think the "no more counting sheep" Is needed in there. With that in there it seems like you repeating yourself in a way.
I love the first two paragraphs, and the first line of the third one.
If I had to rank if from 1-10 i would give it a 5.
It's only a 5 because I was expecting a loud wow, but I got a low wow from this. I think you can do better. Don't give up.
Have a good day.

P.S. The name I would pick would be "What I forgot"

Answer 4

Title:Sleep Like A Baby
A Child's Sleep
Hugs and Kisses Before You(r) Sleep

Answer 5

the beginning is choppy...you need a little better fluency. so like in stanza 1...
As I lay down,
And try to sleep,
Dreams don't come,
I start to weep

I would start L3 off with my dreams don't come and then say and then I start to weep


then here you break off your rhyme scheme.

Then I realize the problem,
So I lift my head.
I sit myself up,
Straighten my legs.


i'm not one for rhyme scheme, but you need to have consistency. so I would say on the fourth line of the stanza " but, my body feels like lead"


and these two sound really unnatural:

"I love you", I say,
In my childish voice.
"Goodnight and sleep well!"
Inside I rejoice.

I cross the room,
And give each a hug,
Add on a kiss,
Get a drink from dad's mug.

for the dad's mug, that just sounds really forced. to keep with your rhyme scheme, you could say, "my feet shufffle across the rug"

and in the stanza prior, it's a little nonsequitor to use the "inside i rejoice"
i understand that you're trying to convey happiness, but it makes it sounds forced as well; it just doesn't go with the flow of the poem.

i think you should title it,"gingerbread dreams; ps hugs and kisses"

Answer 6

I agree with most everyone, I would change the line about "Straighten my legs", it interrupts the flow. The rest is fine in my opinion. I prefer rhyme instead of free verse, but I don't abhor free verse either.
For a title, I suggest: Dream Scenes.
Thanks for sharing your poem, I like it.

Answer 7

i could like some clarification. Are you posting on Yahoo! solutions as a poet or merely sharing with us belongings you have written as self-therapy? If that's as a poet, then i will proceed to remark as I see greater healthy. If that's merely self-therapy, nicely comments are somewhat redundant. except you tell me in any different case, as you insist you have gained awards and been paid to your artwork, i will think of you're asking as a poet and that i will remark and critique as strikes my fancy. [EDIT] have been given it, you're posting as a poet. if so, the poem has some good imagery yet you have strained the meter and abandoned rhyme sporadically. often times you circulate out of your thank you to make a rhyme, sacrificing circulate and imaginative and prescient, and in different circumstances you abandon rhyme once you seem to believe you are going to be able to desire to set a particular imaginative and prescient. As to your all caps rant, that's truly not staggering and that i could propose the two you recognize that Yahoo! solutions is a Q&A format or you're taking your tantrum to a distinctive venue. And ultimately, time spent writing isn't any indication of something yet time spent writing. you're showing which you suspect your artwork is above par by affirming the artwork of others is under par. I in no way believe all and sundry who seeks to boost themself by tearing down others. [EDIT] 18? nicely that does positioned issues in perspective.

Answer 8

Childhood Dreaming

Answer 9

"a good nights sleep" its a little ruff in spots but if you read it a few times and tweak it here and there its very good i played with it a little and i came up with some variations that flowed a little better in the middle and at the end but i wont insult you by changing your work if you want to change it thats up to you but the meaning behind it is pure so in all i say good job and keep writing

Answer 10

As a dad, I loved it. My daughter is only 11, and I still tuck her in every night. Great job!

As for a title, I'd say something like "ode to my teddy bear", or "moonlight". Maybe even "a soft drink of moonlight".

Titles are hard, but great poem.

Answer 11

I think the poem itself is childish; it's short, try writting an iambic pentamitor, or a quatrain stanza. That whole rhyme scheme in it with each other word ryhming it the basics of rhyming. I don't want to sound like a know it all, coz I'm really not. I just write and study poetry, so I know a lot about it. It's a really good start, and you have a lot of potential.