What do you think of this poem?

Question

"The Storm"
I see fierce clouds of darkness, they're heading my way,
Why can't you all leave me alone, Just go away!
The thunder rumbles now, like a fright train passing by,
I wan't to give up, Just fall to the floor and cry.
Here comes the lightning leaving as fast as it came.
Who am I? Am I no one? Am I just another name?
My life is a storm, filled with darkness and pain.
As I look ahead I only see more rain.


I write alot, i just want some feedback...see what people think of my work.

If you want to see more go to www.myspace.com/itsbillykay
and add me

Answer 1

this is great..i love the comparison between nature and your life.

Answer 2

great idea, now you need to work on the mechanics. here you have a guy telling the clouds to go away.. well what does that look like - how do the clouds respond - what are the clouds doing before he says this - what color are they - what sounds are they making - what is he doing - are there any people with him - what possesses him to order the clouds away -
then what happens. - if you put some element of suprize/shock in it like everyone is shocked that you would even order the clouds around, and even more shock that they obeyed you - this poem will really work. but you really need to polish it up and make it look nice, it's far from that now, but the concept is brilliant.

Answer 3

Awesome. I feel a storm ahead. Thunder feels wonderful.

Tears falling down on my face again
My head hung low in shame
Maybe its just the rain
(I wish)

Answer 4

I liked the part where you tell the clouds to go away.

...i think you should watch out for punctuation sneaking into your words...

Answer 5

dude best poem ever u should right some more lately. nice art of work illl give u an 93% out of an 100% nice on there.

Answer 6

i loved it! you're pretty good. keep up the good work!(=