Wife has been unhappy for a few months. there were signals given, but none that rang the emergency bell. I found out that she is having affair with her coworker. she had no emotion when i found out. I freaked out at first, but realized how much I lover her. now i want to work things out and she needs time on her own. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she says she doens't want to do anything drastic that she might regret in the future, but she says that she realllllly likes her affair partner too becasue he makes her happy and its new. This is after 71/2 years together 1/2 years married. what do i do?
2007-11-30 11:16:44 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she loves him and wants to be with him, because its exciting, the same way it was for her when she met u. often times we are last to know, and they hide it so well that we just don't pick up on it, because it wouldn't be anything we would do or even be familiar with. she says she needs time because she isn't sure of him and doesn't want to burn her bridges with u just yet. she is putting u on hold. why put up with it, kick her to the curb, even if it hurts, she has already chosen him, and even after being caught in the act, has shown no remorse or emotion. she hurt u and she don't care. if she were serious about working it out with u, she would be there with u right this minute, but she's with him instead. have a little self respect for yourself and see it as it really is, if u don't u will continue to suffer emotionally till she sucks the life out of u, and u don't deserve what your getting. with all the nice girls out there u don't have to settle for someone who is disloyal and has betrayed u and picked another over her husband. just not right. good luck.
2007-11-30 11:29:39 · answer #1 · answered by jude 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You've been together for 7 1/2 years, only married for 1/2 a year, and she's cheating on you already? Why in hell did she get married in the first place?
I would walk. This is beyond I don't know what. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. SHE says SHE doesn't want to do anything drastic that SHE might regret in the future, but she says SHE REALLLLLLLY likes her partner. . .
Um, that pretty much sums it all up right there. Selfishness through and through as far as I'm concerned. Let her have her fun. I think she's already done something drastic that she will regret.
2007-11-30 11:23:00 · answer #2 · answered by Shayna 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you been aware of the reasons that made her unhappy? Women like alot of attention and want to be heard. She doesn't sound like she wants back in, maybe just going with the flow of what's new. You have to figure out on your part what you did to drive her into another man's arms. If her heart has changed then its really no point to try and save things, you've already been cheated on and she's admitted to being happier elsewhere. That should be the emergency bell to tell you that you're better off. People change...how can you expect to trust her now? That hurt will always be there...things couldn't possibly be the same. She sounds like she wants to have her fun but have somewhere to call home in case things dont work out there. You have to ask yourself...will you be happy taking her back?
2007-11-30 11:27:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
She wants 'time' because she isn't willing to end the affair.
Give her time if she will not stop the affair. But, let her also find out what she had been getting from you. Tell her that you love her still, are willing to work on improving the marriage, BUT, until she stops the affair, it is just to painful for you and that you will also have to withdraw from her. Give her a set time frame to end the affair and return home, OR, you will at that point, look into starting legal action. Offer to go to joint marriage counseling together. But, until she stops contact with the affair partner, you will not provide for her. Let her see the affair more clearly, that the affair partner really didn't have to do much for her, as YOU were there meeting so many of her needs. The longer rope you give her in time, the longer she will take. Some waywards spouses have to really face losing you to see what they are losing. Either she will wake up and stop the affair, or she will show you that she is NOT willing to do what is needed.
This is a terrible stress. I hope that there are no children in the middle of this.
That new relationship energy tends to fade once she has to face the consequences of her actions. This was HER choice, not yours.
Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
2007-11-30 14:39:40 · answer #4 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well i know 7in a half years is a long time ,I have been married for 16 yrs and just divorced this year because he cheated over and over again .. I finally had enough i deserve so much more in life than to be with a cheater.. You dont deserve to just let her decide what to do she done did the damage.You will have no trust it will be lost ... Hope you really think about what she has done .. Then ask yourself did you deserve that????
2007-11-30 11:23:04 · answer #5 · answered by JINE GIRL 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't mean to be harsh, but sounds like she is bored. Afterall, how much spice can a 7-year relationship have? Don't consider this a shortcoming on your behalf, it is her problem w/ monogomy. Almost guaranteed, she will, in time, cheat on him too (cuz that is in her nature.) I would suggest you picking up the pieces of your life, and start LEARNING how to enjoy yourself (seperate from your wife) again! Go out w/ your buddies for a beer, or meet for a card night, work on yourself (not for your wife, but for you!) start working out, and DO NOT be opposed to taking it very slow and maybe start dating. Afterall, if you sit at home pining for her, you will appear desperate and pathetic to her. If you show that you are having a good time w/out her, she just might take notice of this "new" exciting person, that is you! good luck!
2007-11-30 11:31:52 · answer #6 · answered by Michelle B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You haven't been married very long and she tells you she wants to separate so she has time to miss you? If this was my husband doing this to me, I would take great offense and not allow him to walk out. I would kick him out. Although I to love my husband very much and if he pulled that stunt (Knock on wood) I would be kicking him out telling him "You get to come back when I have decided to forgiven you!"
No, I didn't say leave her, I didn't say get a divorce. She has WRONGED you and shes getting what she wants? Why should you have to pay over and over? I am sorry to hear this, it is very sad. Hopefully you would be able to do what I suggested. I believe she needs to KNOW she wronged you and she should be feeling badly about it. It seems shes showing no remorse..
I need to stop now because the situation makes my stomach hurt. I am sorry. I wish the BEST of luck to you whatever decision you make!!
2007-11-30 11:26:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm a woman who speaks the truth.What your wife is doing is having her cake(that would be you) and eating It too(that would be him).She is not "thinking" with the time that you are giving her.What she is doing is playing you both "if" you allow It,waiting for her to "do" her thinking.Her affair will fizzle out sooner then what you think.Afterward what you do is your choice.Do give It much thought because your relationship will never be the same.I wish only the best for you.
2007-11-30 11:34:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She wants her cake and eat it, she is having fun with this guy but at the same time she knows she has the security of you you should be the one demanding time apart, she will still be seeing this guy. From personal experince you will never be able to trust her again. People who are unhappy in reletionships leave, not drag people along with them in case it doesnt work out/..
2007-11-30 11:26:26 · answer #9 · answered by smiley gal 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is tough, because it sounds like she told you that she was unhappy and you ignored her. This doesn't justify her stepping outside the marriage, bc she was a 100% out of line for that, but only you can decide where to go from here.
2007-11-30 11:22:23 · answer #10 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋