Can you tell me what you think of this POEM please??

Question

Shifted With Time

Although yesterday it wasn’t the case,
Today I loved you.
The day before yesterday I wasn’t sure.
But tomorrow, maybe it’ll be the same.
A month ago I found I hated you.
And two weeks later I missed you.
A year ago you returned my devotion,
And yet nine months ago the feeling no longer existed.
Five years from now I’ll question your well being.
And within a decade you’ll be another story I tell my kids in fairytale form,
Even though three years ago your existence wasn’t known to me.
Thirty years from now you’ll forget how I looked if you haven’t already.
Fifteen years from now you’ll think of me while reminiscing about the good ole’ days.
In three minutes this poem will be complete,
When just two seconds ago the idea of you was fresh.
Tonight of Thursday I’ll stare at a clock that reads 11:07 PM,
Wondering what will happen if I call and spend one hour proclaiming,
How much I love and need you,
When you’ll hang up in .5 seconds.
And even in the 22nd Century buried in a cemetery,
I’ll remember the tears that fell,
Scarring generations of children and grandchildren,
That I’ll swear should have been yours.
And when my alarm goes off in the morning of the week after next,
My conscience will carry you.
I’ll look at my watch as the grandfather clock chimes another strike
You will not hold me in a precious state.
Forever is the never of a present that doesn’t see a future based on a past that we shared.
Happily ever after is the once upon time where your feelings have yet to change,
not so much as mine.
Six months ago, this all could have been circumvented.

Answer 1

I think it's great, you can't fail with a poem about time because it automatically has a sense of rhythm and flow. You can hear the sound of the clock tick.

Answer 2

Messy and disjointed. It changes from past tense to present to future and back and forth. Suggestion: Set the times in order, say, smallest to largest and leave it at that. The idea will grow and will be easier to read without losting the impact the way it does now.

Stick with one visual, time frames and stay away from clocks, watches alarm clocks and the rest.

Answer 3

it's nice, but with all the different time periods, it's hard to read. I'm no poet, but I would suggest building it by time and not have it jump around so much

Answer 4

this poem makes me think of how wrapped up we get in relationships at a young age. its kind of pathetic really. honestly, if someone rejects me like that i wouldn't go on for thirty years wishing they were my children's father. id eventually get over it and find a new love. everyone has someone that belongs to them and if that person isn't it then another person will be.

its confusing.

Answer 5

Leave the past in the past and get on with your life. You can't move ahead in life living in a past state of mind!!!!

Answer 6

I like it and I like how you change times, it shows how things and feelings change