How can I get my husband to do his share around the house?

Question

Hey does anyone have any suggestions about how to get my husband to help out with chores?

DH and I are having issues about the cleanliness of the house. He thinks because I get off work 1 1/2 to 2 hrs earlier than he does that I should be the one who does the majority of the house work...majority meaning ALL of it. But in those 1.5-2 hrs that he's working, I'm picking the girls up from school and then getting dinner ready so that when he gets home we can all eat. I usually put this dishes up and load the dish washer while I'm waiting for dinner to get ready.

When he gets home he eats and then he sits on his butt watching TV for the rest of the day...and his excuse is that he works 8 hrs a day and I only work 6 hrs a day so he doesn't have to help me clean the living room, bedrooms, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, bathing the children, brushing their teeth...you get the drift. There is a lot to do EVERY day and I'm the only one doing it. And it is making me angry.

Mainly it makes me mad because not only does he not help me but when the house isn't clean he then calls me LAZY. He will then mumble under his breathe over and over, "god, look at this pig style. She is so lazy. ugh..."

It makes me want to scream at him "who is the lazy one? You might want to go look in the mirror."

Thanks for you guys suggestions. I've actually been considering the strike on doing things for him. He doesn't see all the little things I do for him every day.

Oh and as far as the question about him maintaining the outside of the home well let's put it this way. He does mow the grass during the summer ever three weeks. If anyone's curious that is about 5-6 times a year. And he used to beg me to cut the grass but I refused and I don't care if it is up to my eyebrows. That is the only reason I'm not cutting the grass along with everything else I do.

I do the garbage.

He gets the cars oil changed once every 4-6 months.

I do all bills, groceries, everything.

Oh and he does bathe our dogs BUT he only does it because that too is something I put my foot down about. They often go months between baths. But I refuse to do it.

Me refusing to do it no matter how much he argues, begs and calls me names is the only thing that makes him do the work himself.

well I just emailed him almost verbatum what I have said to you guys. And his reply was....

You are right babe! I will help you whenever you ask. Please accept my apology and get into a happy (xmas spirit) mood. You are too beautiful to have a scowl on your face all the time. I love you wtih all my heart and only want what is best for our family.
Love,
JB

Answer 1

I'm no analyst but I can tell you as a wife for 20+ years and a mother to 3 kids, I've had my share of battles over the years. I would try to delegate some of the work to the kids anyway as they will have to do it when they are out and on their own eventually. Second I would try to catch your DH in a few moments of serious communication. The only thing that eventually worked for us, was that 4 minutes where I looked him straight in the eyes and told him how much I respected his commitment to working so hard to provide for his family and that I just wanted him to know that I appreciate his efforts. The next time I asked him if he would help me wash some dishes, he did. Some men just need some verbal confirmation that they are respected and appreciated, then they are more often willing to become the "helpmate" your looking for. Kindness and respect goes both ways, to with hold from each other is a dangerous thing to do and I definitely don't recommend it. If you want to make it as a couple, write notes that remind each other what you love the most about the other. SHMILY works, it means See How Much I Love You. I find it in the sugar bowl, in my favorite book of the moment. He finds it in his sock drawer, written on the bathroom mirror and in his car, little scraps of paper over the years hidden in some of the most unlikely places has kept us close and working together. Marriage is an every day job, you can make the most of what you have and create more of what you want by doing little things that make you closer. Pick your battles carefully and learn from what works in other areas and apply them to the areas that are not so great. I hope this leads you to more joy and less frustrating times.

Answer 2

Does your husband maintain the oustside of the home - mow grass, garbage, take care of the cars, etc?

My husband and I both work ungodly hours -- he's in road construction so he might work 8 hours (never happens) or he might work 16. I work a full time job, plus run my own business. I also coach cheerleading and we have 4 children.

Not to brag - but our house is very clean. Because we have a system of how things get done. Granted - I can count on the hubby to do at least a couple of things inside - but mainly he is responsible for the outside. The kids have their assigned chores to do, and I have a system on how the rest gets done. If I had 2 hours - the house would be tidy.

Sounds like the whole family needs to get on board - from the kids to the adults.

Answer 3

I don't know hun but when you figure it out let me know okay? :)

Seriously though, I go through the same thing and I take things away that my husband likes such as SEX. I shut him off...you want some lovin', help me out around the house. I swear sometimes that men are like kids...they need positive reinforcement and need to be punished when they do wrong (or nothing).

It's also a communication thing. I've had a breakdown before to my husband and just begged some help. I get tired too, we work all day, take care of the kids and come home and clean the house, cook dinner, etc. And then it's about 10 pm by the time I plop on the couch. Try talking to him, seriously talking, and explain that you need help.

Would it be possible for you two to alternate days? Work on a schedule and assign certain days for certain chores? I know, easier said then done but it's worth a shot. Someone has to just get off his butt and help out. Bottom line!

Good luck, I hope it works out!

** ADD **

I just had to add in that "stopping cleaning" soooo doesn't work. The house piles up and the dishes overflow and he'll just move dishes around to get to where he has to be. And it made me even more crazy in the meantime...so best of luck if you try this one! :)

Answer 4

Have you negotiated with the no sex clause. Meaning no sexual transactions until he learns to help you around the house. It doesn't matter how many hrs each of you work if your both working and your the one picking the kids up and making dinner. It is his responsibilty to do his fair share of the chores.

Tell him right now he is in the doghouse and he will not be seeing any nakedness of you or absolutely any pleasure until
he starts doing his share. If that doesn't help tell him your quitting your job because he gives you no other choice with how much he expects you to do around the house.

When he realizes that is going to put extra pressure on him because of the less income coming in he should be motivated to get off his butt.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Tell him this as well: The role of the husband is no different then the wifes just be glad you do not have to deal with pregnancy, PMS, and a menstrual cycle, as well as breast feeding and mothering.

Really it is high time you get off your a ss or the next thing will be marriage counselling.

Answer 5

My husband isn't very big on chores either. We work at the same place and get home about the same time. When he gets home he goes straight to the bedroom and watches tv and don't bother to ask if I need any help with anything. I have always believed this is not the old days where the woman does everything. If I work just as much as you do then you are just as capable as i am. But what I did is I just quit bit*ing about it and realized when I done that, and when I did need help with something, I just went and said hey I need you to help me with this or can you do this for me and I get more response from him that way. That way there isn't anyone mad all the time or griping. That's what works for me. But i know what you are feeling. Good Luck hope this helps

Answer 6

It will continue to make you angry if you let it.

There is this idea ingrained in men that women clean the house while they go out to work. They have not realized that things have changed since women now work.

I'm sorry. Maybe stop cleaning. Let it get really messy, then when he starts to complain let him know that you are not "Supergirl" or "Wonderwoman" and you cannot do everything without putting more hours in the day.

Answer 7

Let's start by giving your girls some of the chores. Depending on your girls age, they should be able to do some of the chores. Talk to him and if he doesn't change then you have to be the bigger person and clean up. It's not that hard, you're making it hard by complaining and letting stuff pile up. What are you teaching your girls by not cleaning up behind yourself. Maybe if you keep the house clean your husband will feel bad if he doesn't pick up behind himself. It's easy to leave a mess in a mess.

Answer 8

Let the man know..that he DID NOT marry a MAID and if wants a good marriage he will get off his butt and help out 50-50 Whether you WORK or not!!!!!
Being a mom is a full time job in itself....

If this become a bone of contention find a counselor to talk this over with whether your husband goes with you or not...

Another brilliant way in which a Military spouse friend of mine took care of this was to go ON STRIKE..

.Its fun, She put MOM on strike signs up...It was Effective and gets the point across..You will have to concentrate on leaving your husbands alone..Do not pick them up regardless of where he drops them...Leave his clothes unwashed, leave drycleaning piles alone....as far as food..feed the kids early..clean up and then when he fixes his own food and he leaves his dishes laying around..DO NOT pick them up, wash them or clean them...

Give it a week or so...He will get the message of all you do...

Now remember everytime he asks you to do something..be too busy with the kids to do anything for him.....

He's ignored you and helping out for too long..giving him back the "IGNORING" he's dished out to you will definitely have an effect on his attitude...
Anytime he asks you to do something..Tell him you are NOT HIS MAID and you do ot time to tend to 'ANOTHER GROWN CHILD"
Good luck..Hope his helps...
PS My Army wife friend had a success into teaching her husband about not dependeing on her to be HIS maid..He now helps out with the kids the house and still has time to sit and watch tv for a bit if he's not helping the kids with homework or his wife cleaning the house..8-)

Answer 9

You married a slug. That is all there is to it. He was likely raised to think you as a female are beneath him and should be doing all of the house work anyway.
So in short you married this guy. The chances of you getting him to do any significant work are slim and none.
You have some choices to make.

Answer 10

Ask for his help.
Suggest hiring a maid or house cleaning service.

Tell him you need help, you want to have more free time to do things with him and your children or even yourself.

Assign simple tasks/chores to everyone able, make it a joint effort. Rotate them, family is a job too...!!