15, and trying to write a sci-fi novel. Pls read what i have for chptr one and review it?

Question

click on the link to read it. Its only parto f chpter one, its not finsihed yes. Tell me what you think of it.

http://shortstories.student.com/readstory.php?story=7678

Answer 1

first off, if you really want this you better have some thick skin and be able to take criticism constructively.

1. GRAMMAR - proof-read your ****, enough said

2. the dialoge is not beleivable, it doesn't come out naturally. Think of a fight you have with your parents, get into that mode when you're writing a fight scene. get mad, pretend something really is wrong. also remember that when people are angry, they say things they don't mean, and they don't pay much attention to what is being said to them.

3. invoke the senses. sight, touch, taste, scent, hearing. these things need to be described in detail. every time there is a new scene, at least a few if not all senses need to be developed. don't say "he walked in and it smelled like this , and he saw that, and it felt like this, and yada yada" be creative and subtle with it. this sounds hard, but to do it right is even harder.

4. EMOTION- get the emotion across. she comes across as mildly annoyed, when it seems she should be seething. put yourself into your characters, feel what they are feeling. be who they are.

5. diction. there are a thousand ways to say anything, from ignorantly to elequently. the trick is picking the right one for the character and the situation and the tense.

6. carry a voice recorder, any time you come up with a good line, record it and fit it into the story later. you're best lines and plot twist, ect. will come spontaneously and will be fleeting, you won't have time to write them down.

Answer 2

A good story line, but I echo the responses given thus far. Among the weak areas of your writing were spelling and punctuation that were not edited and corrected. Know the difference between "they're" and "their."

You switched points-of-view from daughter to father and back again. Stick to one POV.

Go back through your chapter and eliminate the fat that is unnecessary, sharpen your punctuation and spelling, and watch for redundant words or phrases that can annoy the reader.

End note: A major annoyance for editors is to read a sample chapter having no separation space between the paragraphs or dialogue. Such was your example.

Answer 3

I'm sorry, but I agree with yo-han. You really need to recheck your spelling and grammar. I kind of got lost the moment I started reading the dialog. Realistically, I don't think that the father would be speaking to his daughter like that. Try to give him more of a sense of authority. Make the beginning more interesting and mysterious, secretive maybe. Also, what kind of book do you want this to pass as? 'Cause I think that you might want to cut down on the times you use 'crap' and 'yeah'. Overall, make the story more believable.

Answer 4

You're off to a good start, but I can't emphasize too strongly, the importance of correct spelling and proper grammar. If you plan to publish someday, the editors will look closely at those. The less they have to correct, the better your chances will be of getting read.

Answer 5

It shows great promise, keep working and you'll do wonderfully- good luck!

Answer 6

it was a good storyline, im really interested in wat this comapny is =|
but i think it just needs a bit of editing
some of the grammar is a bit weird
im really good at grammar, so if u want, i culd edit it for u?
otherwise it was great =D

Answer 7

i liked it. I think it looks pretty good. When can i read the rest????

Answer 8

Sorry, but this is not very convincing; to be honnest.