Between a Rock and a Hard Place! Any ideas?

Question

I recently lost my job of almost 10 years. As a result of this, I took a job for which I had to train out of town. While I was out of town, I found out that my wife of 8 years was having an affair with one of the guys I personally asked to watch over my family while I was gone. I am really struggling with this because my Family (Mother&Brothers) wants nothing to do with her! Her take on it is that they "need to get over it!"
She has shown no remorse for this as well as telling me that if we go to counseling we'll find out its not all her fault!
I have 3 children, the oldest,12yrs,is hers from a previous relationship who only knows me as daddy, a 3 yr old and an 18mo old.
They are the reason I am still around!
How do I move on without hurting my children?
Do I talk to my 12yr old about it? She is going to be going thru enough with adolecence as it is.
As you can see......rock........hard place....???????????

Answer 1

Welcome to the trap called marriage.

Whether she want's to admit to herself that it's all her own fault or not isn't really the important thing here. Let her be in denial all she wants. I'm sure that she takes very little blame for anything that is not as it should be in your marriage and it's been this way the entire time. I know how these types of women are.

The important thing here is your kids (and her's) need their father living with them in the house. As much as you may hate the idea, they need their mother too.

Many marriages have survived infidelity. Some have even become stronger as a result of it's "warning shot" effectiveness of waking someone up to how easily they could lose the family they have invested so much time and energy into.

If you can find it in your heart to look the other way this one time and work to get back that relationship that you had when you first got married, it will prevent a lot of the kinds of problem that kids have when coming from a broken home.

For the sake of your kids, try to fix what's broken in your relationship that pertains to you and show her that you still care enough about her and all the kids to look beyond the problems that your family has had in the past.

You can't go back and fix yesterday but you can work today to make tomorrow better for all of you.

You do your part and let her be responsible for her own actions. She is the one who will have to answer for them in the end anyway. You will only have to answer for yours.

Look up the kinds of problems that kids are likely to be subject to when they are from a broken home and you may find a new strength to work through your problems with her and find that happiness again that you had when first got together. You have way too much to lose otherwise.

Everyone knows that the only ones who win in a divorce are the attorneys. Everybody else just suffers.

Here's a small blurb:

Children from divorced families are more likely to have academic problems. They are more likely to be aggressive and get in trouble with school authorities or the police. These children are more likely to have low self-esteem and feel depressed. Children who grow up in divorced families often have more difficulties getting along with siblings, peers, and their parents. Also, in adolescence, they are more likely to engage in delinquent activities, to get involved in early sexual activity, and to experiment with illegal drugs. In adolescence and young adulthood, they are more likely to have some difficulty forming intimate relationships and establishing independence from their families.

Very little is known about the effects of divorce on children younger than 2 years of age. When the bonds between parent and child are severely disrupted, there may be a problem.

Children from 3 to 5 years of age who go through divorce tend to be fearful and resort to immature or aggressive behavior. They might return to security blankets or old toys. Some may have lapses in toilet training. These types of behavior rarely last for more than a few weeks. Most children are confused about what is happening or about why mom or dad has left. Children often deny that anything has changed.

Older school-age children - ages 9 to 12 - try to understand the divorce and keep their behavior and emotions under control. While they may have feelings of loss, embarrassment, and resentment,........

.....research says that divorce is very hard on children, often unbearably so. Even those rare "good" or "nice" or "friendly" divorces are hard on children. And sometimes, divorce is unbearably hard on a child for the rest of the child's life.

Read the links below to know what difficulties you can expect your children to have if you get a divorce.

Good Luck

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Answer 2

I feel bad for your situation, but applaud your desire to do what is right by the kids.

I can sympathize with your 12 year old. I too was raised by a stepfather from the age of 3 - 13. I found out around age 10 that he was not my biological father. My brother was 7 at the time and it was very difficult not to share that with him, but Mom asked me not to. Our sister was his biological daughter.

You should be honest with your daughter. Tell her that although you were not there when Mom conceived her, that you feel as much love for her as the other two and will always be "her Daddy". They say 'any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy'.

As for your wife's affair. It's not clear as to whether she had been having the affair before you left town, and you only found out about it then, or if it happened only while you were out of town.

In any case. You know that before you and she were together, she slept with other men - otherwise the 12 year old wouldn't be here. Can you forgive her for her transgression. If you can really and truly forgive and move on, then do it and enjoy the rest of your life with your children and wife.

If you can't forgive her and can't get past it, then you will need to move on.

I guarantee that the great majority of your daughter's friends are living in homes without both parents. Adolescence is a difficult time, but she will adjust as long as she knows you love her - exactly the way she is. Acceptance is a huge part of adolescence.

Only you can decide what is best for you, your happiness and the childrens happiness.
Good Luck

Answer 3

As far as i can tell u have held up your end of the agreement that u both took part in when got married. u r trying to provide for your family and she is breaking all the rules that have binded u so far. if she has done this u can no longer trust her and without trust how can there be any love. u swhould cnsult a lawyer about getting custody or visitation rights and as part of any agreements you might make you should make her sign a declaration to say that the children have only ever known u and u r the one that has been solely providing them. if you r only stay with her for the kids and she is not remorseful about her affair and blames you. you need to do something about it thats no way to live and its also setting a bad example for your children. i hope you find the answer your looking for and i wish you a lot of luck and happiness in your decision what ever it may be.

Answer 4

Counseling is a good place to start... you will have a referee and an even playing field in which to express and get everything out in the open. Ask her if she really wants to be in the marriage. Why is she so angry. Why is she acting out?

Maybe losing that job is your opportunity to get a handle on what is going on at home.

I would leave the 12 year old out of it until you have some more concrete plans. No point in rattling her world just yet.
Do you know for sure that the other two kids are yours?

Answer 5

I am of the belief that most martial infidelity has a reason behind it. Note that I said 'most'. The issue here is to find out if such is the case in your situation. Consult a marriage counselor and go, however since your wife seems to show no remorse, there is a possibility that she feels that she has you where she wants you and she can do whatever she chooses. If you can't get her into marriage counseling, try finding a therapist for yourself to help you figure out your best move.

Answer 6

Dont tell the 12 year old, they have enough pressures in life to deal with.

Just keep a great relationship with your kids no matter what you do, and dont treat her 12 year old as any different, because you have been that childs dad for so long.

And to be honest if she had an affair and saying its not her fault, YES it is, because she could of told you that she was not happy in the marriage in the first place. Yes marriage do break down and yes it is 50/50 blame, but for her to go through with the affair shows that she cant be honest with you.

Good luck with the kids, and dont forget that they will be in your life forever. But dont get them involved with the details.

Answer 7

I have come to realize men that men can forgive and forget, if they want to. That does not mean I am saying adultery is ok.

However, look at what you've got to lose. A family -- three kids, who love you and are safe because of you. A wife -- who has admitted to the adultery and might change if you love her with the same intensity.

And of course, your peace of mind. With so much at stake, I would think you need to swallow that bile and show your wife in many ways that you are not ok with what she did.

But continue to be together. Time is the eternal healer and as your build on positive experiences, these hurtful memories will fade.

Hope this helps.

Answer 8

I think you should keep your twelve year old out of this. I think that it is better if you try and work things out between you and your wife.

Make your own decision about what to do with your marriage. Take your families advice but that is what it is only advice. Your kids are important and staying because of them is not always the best hing to do also, because tha can actually make it worst. Try going to counseling and than base your overall decision on that. Good Luck!

Answer 9

Sorry to hear that dude! It sucks when they don't think anything is their fault, I know how you feel.

I can only recommend that you get your wife into couple's therapy, tell her you both need to work on your relationship. Hopefully after a few visits your therapist will be able to open your wife's mind and show her how she was wrong.

I wouldn't bring the kids into it yet, unless there's a good chance that you may be breaking up soon.

good luck!

Answer 10

My best advise is to drown out all the noise from family and friends and listen to your heart. What does it say to you? That won't lead you wrong. We all fall short, no one is perfect and perhaps her cool demeanor is a technique to mask her true feelings. Therapy is a good idea if both of you are willing to work on it, the goal is always to mend the family and that's a good place to start. God Bless You.