What would you do?

Question

My husband and I have been seperated since his mother came. She was domineering and tried to run the household. She said that since we didn't get her approval for our marriage (she said she was going to commit suicide) she would take that with her to her grave. She said that it had nothing to do with me, but with her son defying her. She said she'd never forgive him. That she'd die with that pain and anger in her heart and he'd have to live with that.

Well, when she left she took my wedding sari. To me that signaled her dismay over our marriage - despite her two beautiful grandsons. And, almost seven years of marriage. Then, I found other things missing - my jewellery. She admitted to the sari (silk with gold threads so it's very valuable) but not to the jewellery. The most expensive pair was my princess cut diamond earrings set in platinum. My husband had bought them for our first anniversary to match my wedding ring.

Now, he wants to work things out. My sticking point is no more money to his parents. We were sending $300 a month plus $300 a year to his sisters.

I also want counseling with our parish priest, but he still refuses. He wants me and the kids back, but doesn't want to stick up for me. I don't feel like he's willing to compromise. He just says I'm over reacting.

If your mother in law did that in your home, would you feel any different?

Would it be a deal breaker if he let her come in and take your wedding gown, and your jewellery?

I'm in the US, but she lives in India. So, there's nothing the police can do. I'm not interested in prosecuting. Although I'd like my stuff back.

Answer 1

Mother in laws can be the worst! I assume you are a good daughter in law or you would already have her in jail because this is THEFT! She has no right to your things even if your husband gave them to you. You get to keep gifts if a marriage ends. If HER son can't be enough of an adult to be YOUR husband then you don't need him. Marriage is for adults, not children who can't stand up to their mommies.

Answer 2

You got a hell of a dilemma going on I know

you want some resolution, but the best way for

you to get some after everything you said it

appears that hes not going to stick up for you

so my honest advice I can imagine that you

love this man & divorce is the furthest thing

from your mind; But sometimes in life just like

you need to do the unexpected onetimes you

need to against your own heart to get some

resolution. So if I were you I'd tell him(with out

fighting in a very calm manner) to stand up for

you & if he is not willing to be the man he

promised to be when you two got married then

it's time to put an end to this sharade, and the

let the ships fall where they may.

Answer 3

what's a sari? that's beside the point. I would confront her. I've done that before with my mother in law. it wasn't pretty, but I drew the lines (and they were very clear lines). She's after something very specific, find out what it is and quick otherwise, it'll get worse. Maybe she want you out of her son's life. who knows. My mother in law wanted me out of her daughter's life (because she didn't approve of our marriage since i didn't go to her for her approval). Our lives were hectic until i finally confronted her and asked her what was wrong and what i could do to fix it. She told me that there was nothing that could be done, since the past was in the past. My wife told her to deal with it (in the nicest way possible). And I apologized for my mistake. I also told her that she had no right to come into my house and (try) and take over. She had no right to steal from me. She had no right to do the other things she did (some serious, some strange).
But every situation is different. It may come to pass that you may have to bring in a professional in. Or your husband might have to put his foot down (as aweful as that may sound). Trust me, this will put a serious damper on your marriage until its resolved. Just hang in there.

Remember: every situation is different. So don't take my advice at face value. Follow your instincts. Just don't upset her feelings too much.

Answer 4

Your husband should handle it, even if you are separated. But since he probably won't, you could file charges. But do you have any proof that she stole from you? Doesn't sound like your husband will support you in that either.

Sorry, change the locks on the doors and get a good divorce lawyer. And list the missing items as things you want in the settlement. It may generate enough interest that your husband will decide to be a man for a change. But don't count on it.

How did you ever have two children with a man without balls?

Answer 5

You shouldn't accuse her .. because if you do - then she will get mad .. and your husband will probably get mad, too.

Sweetly - tell your husband that your jewelry is missing .. and that you have no idea how it left the case where you stored it. Don't mention his Mom's name.

If you talk with the Mother-in-law .. you could nicely ask her if when she was visiting - if she happened to have noticed your jewelry laying around the house . Tell her that you are just trying to find it. Don't accuse her.

If you don't talk to her .. then you might ask your husband to ask his Mom if she might have seen your jewelry laying around the house. Stress to him .. that you are simply searching for the jewelry .. and that you need all the help you can get.

That is about all you can do .. without accusing her outright of stealing the jewelry. If you ask around .. the fact that the jewelry is gone, will be recognized. Let everyone form their own opinions.

Next time .. if she ever visits again .. hide everything valueable.

Ask your husband to get your wedding sari back for you.

Let your husband handle his mother.

Answer 6

Sounds like you have a mother-in-law from hell. She is both domineering and manipulative and she will NOT get any better. Your husband is going to have to decide which woman is more important to him, his mother or the mother of his children. He needs to lay down the law and make her behave. If she threatens suicide, tell her that she will burn in hell and you'll dance on her grave, that should give her pause! When you know she's coming over, hide all your valuables and don't let her go anywhere in the house alone, she's a thief.

Answer 7

Wow, that's crazy! You and your husband need to have a heart to heart about his mother. You both should go to her and explain how you feel and demand your sari back... It's not her place to judge you or her son. It's too bad that you separated over this. I think it's just awful when in-laws can wreck a relationship between 2 people...and it happens all to often. Good luck.

Answer 8

i feel for you. seems like you all have some cultural differences to deal with here, being that she is from India and all. anyway, i think your mother in law is incredibly cruel and selfish to say that she would kill herself and that it would basically be on your husbands' conscience. who bought your wedding sari? did she? i think it's mean and immature that she took it. your husband needs to realize that if he wants to save your marriage that he needs to put you and your children first. when a man marries, he's supposed to leave his parents and become one with his wife, as it were. i lived far away from my in-laws so that we didn't have to rely on them when anything went wrong. i remember when we first got together, his mother wanted to come to live with us temporarily until she got herself together. i put my foot down immediately. maybe the fact that i was pregnant helped me make that decision. he is not married to his mother and he needs to realize that mother has other family members. and maybe it's a cultural thing that he sends money to his parents and his sisters. he must be rolling in dough, cause here, we take care of our own, not the extended family, unless there was some extraordinary need or if our parents were ill and needed us to help take care of them anyway, i hope you and your husband can work out your differences...and i wouldn't allow her back into my home until my belongings were returned. and i'd tell my husband that it is imperative that you get counseling if it's important to keep his family intact. i wish you all the best

Answer 9

Girlfriend...here is what you do. This is one of the few situations where I recommend you control your husband since obviously he does not have a back bone to stand up in. Forget about your stuff. You won't be able to get it back. But tell him if he wants to come back, its your way or the highway. Don't disrespect him in front of your kids, but other than that. You tell him what to do. Trust me, he will go for it. He take it from his mother, now he just needs another master. If you are toughter than his mom, he will follow you. I know his type. But still, love him, take care of him. But don't let him make any decisions. He does not deserve it.

Answer 10

This is America. I would kick out the mother in law and reclaim my family. If she wants to hold a grudge, that is on her. Let her be misable on her own. Don't let the woman get the best of you, you need to stand up to her and take back what is yours. after 7 years of marriage, she needs to learn that you are her sons wife and as long as you and he are happy, nothing else should matter. Good luck