My 13 year old daughter doesn't want to spend time with me. What can I do?

Question

I want to spend 1 hour each day talking to her about her school, social, and personal life, but she refuse. I ask why and she said that when her older sister was 13, she never have to spend time with me. Her sister only went to school, came home, do homework, eat, watch tv, talk on phone, and hang out with her friends. So if she have to spend time with me now, it would be unfair for her. Her sister is 18 now and left home. She wants her own life without any obligation to dedicate to the family, just like her sister. She feels her sister was luckier and she wants it too. She said that the reason I require her to spend time with the family at 13 and didn't require her sister to at 13 is that she is the youngest and that I am always preventing the youngest to grow up. I admit that I didn't spend alot of time with my oldest at 13 because I was always working. Now I work less hours and want to spend more time with her, but she refuse. I am sad. What can I do?

Answer 1

I understand how you feel, but I also know how your daughter feels. your daughter wants to branch out, to live her own life, and she thinks that you are getting in the way. this is normal, but maybe you should back off us a little. try to do it every other day instead of every day, I think she will be more open to you if you do.

eventually she will come to you on her own, just give her time.

Answer 2

13 is a tough age not just for the parent(s) but for your daughter also. She may view it as she isn't being granted the same privileges as her older sister while your trying not to lose the quality time with her that you didn't get with her older sister. She is going through changes in her body, beliefs and person that may be easier discussing with her peers and sees your hour of quality time as an hour of interrogation. She's becoming her own person so even though it hurts you might need to let her know your always there for her no matter what and stand back a little. The more you "force" yourself into her life the further from you she'll go. As far as spending time with her, find out her interests without being pushy, and offer to take her shopping or to a movie or whatever her interests may be. Offer to bring one of her friends along if that's the only way she'll go. During your outing don't ask any questions about her personal life but maybe offer some experiences you had at that age. over time you'll find she'll come to you to cry,tell you something funny, ask your advice or just to talk.

Answer 3

Well, maybe not one hour everyday...

Talk as a family during supper, and spend an hour or so with your daughter on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Take her shopping, get your nails done, or to Starbucks. The best conversations happend in those one-on-one situations!

Don't nag her about it. Just casually suggest you two spend time together. She's 13, and like all 13 year olds, doesn't want to spend so much time with mom like when she was 8.. Don't FORCE her to spend time with you, or REQUIRE it. That will just make her want to do the exact opposite. Be sure to give her respect too. If she respectfully says she has other plans or something, accept it, and plan to hang out another day that week=]

Good luck

Answer 4

I think its fantastic that youre trying to spend quality time with your teen but to her it seems like punishment. Maybe, you shouldn't force her to spend time with you. You might want to consider dropping the whole idea and allowing her some time to eventually open up to you. Then I would think of some things she enjoys doing and take her. What kinda girl doesn't like shopping? Perhaps in a few days or so when the topic has cooled down, offer to take her to get a mani/pedi or hair salon. Whatever is gonna put a smile on her face, just don't mention your need to spend time with her. That is going to turn her off. I was a teenager before and my parents would make me spend time with the family instead of my friends and I resented them for it...at the time. One day your daughter will appreciate your efforts.

Answer 5

It doesn't have to be 1hour. Don't push to hard. Your daughter sounds like any teenage girl, or any other teenager for that matter. Its an admirable thing, now that you work less hours, and want to spend more time with your daughter. Try to start small talk with her.Anytime is fine, though during dinner might work well. If she's doesn't say anything YOU should talk about your day, regardless of if she asks. This might help her, to know about you more..She might not want to tell you about her, when you dint tell about yourself to her. It'll help her to open up, and maybe she'll give her opinion about your day. Dont try to overstep yourself with her(not to sound disrespectful or anything) Another factor maybe that like you said..she knows that your oldest daughter never spent time with you when she was younger...so now she feels obligated to also not spen time with you..b/c like you said also..she thinks its unfair that her sister neevr got to spend time with you..but now you are giving the chance to her..Have you ever told her about why you never had time to have with her sister? Just try and talk more with her. Best of luck!

Answer 6

Try not to force conformity on how long, and when you guys should talk. Engage her in communication spontaneously, or over the dinner table or something like that. Don't plot and plan for this hour long conversation, that is putting too much pressure on the two of you. The more you force her, the less likely she is going to open up, instead she'll view this conversation time as a punishment or a chore.

Answer 7

Welcome to parent hood Your daughter is very unlikley to go along with you if you have a set time to talk to her. I mean that's pretty much like saying, "okay, you can't do anything ay 4 today because we need nd hour of mother-daughter talking time!" Maybe just talk to her while you do dishes together or somthing. The more you put pressure on her, the more she is going to pull away. This is coming from a 14 year old girl. I have a really close relationship with my mom. We're best friends. I really hope you can get things worked out with your daughter, because it is one of the best things in the world.

Answer 8

well.....personally it sounds like she feels forced to. u should never feel forced to, u should want to. i think just bcuz her sister did it she thinks its the "cool" thing to do, and that its suppose to be this way. i guess she was only shown one way. she probably thinks none of her friends spend time with their mothers, but thats not true. some how she needs to be shown or told that people of all ages still enjoy being around their mothers. i guess you could invite some of her friends over, and they might say "hey ur mom is cool, ur lucky to have a mom like this".....or something, and it might change her mind about spending time with you.

Answer 9

I think the problem with talking to her for a scheduled one hour each day is that you seem to be questioning her about every little move she made throughout the day instead of just casually talking to her and letting HER open up when SHE wants to....

Answer 10

My sister has just turned 14 and would rather be out doing her own thing. if you force her to spend time with you, it is ot going to be a very nice hour. She is going to hate the fact that you are forcing her, therefore she is not going to talk to you about anything appropriate. Rather leave the hour talking and she will eventually realize that there are certain things in her life that she has to talk to you about and she will come to you with her problems. just make sure you are always there for her and always available to listen and talk to her. She will come to you eventually, but not if you keep forcing her to talk to you about things.