If I want to separate from an emotionally abusive man, what steps should I take?

Question

My husband is a very depressed, angry person who refuses counseling and has rages 3 or 4 times a week where he throws things, kicks things, curses and screams about how he hates his life. Most of his problems he says comes from working and then coming home to a messy house. This just isn't fair that he says that, because he will literally throw things all over the house, or trash the kitchen and just leave it. I try as hard as I can to get it cleaned up but I just can't. I have a 2 year old son in all of this, and I am almost 7 months pregnant again (it was an unplanned pregnancy). Anyway, I want to separate until he gets some form of counseling but I'm afraid of what he may do. He has told me that I "won't get 10 steps out the door with his son" and has cancelled my debit and credit cards once when he thought I had left. I live 15 hours from family and friends, but I can drive it if I need to. All of our accounts are under both our names, even my cell account, and he's not above....

cancelling that as well. He is in the military and his insurance will completely cover my son and our new child (and this pregnancy), so that's one less worry. He can't cancel that. What can I do to protect myself? Should I get a large sum of money out and then leave or take my chances with the debit card? Can he legally shut all of those things down?

Yes he does drink. This is a source of a few of our arguments, though lately I've just been avoiding talking about it completely because I'm tired of the blow ups.

Yeah, his behavior has been noticed by co-workers. He called me names and said he wasn't the father of this child, and told everyone I let our son walk around in filth in front of 3 or 4 of his coworkers and their wives (my friends).

Answer 1

you need to get your name off of the bills & make sure everything is in his name only. Then go to your parents house & get a restraining order against him. People like that don't change overnight.

Answer 2

It sounds like your husband is just coming up with an excuse not to go to counseling. However, his response also says that he is not totally closed to the idea of going. That means, you should get there as soon as possible. If you've been going through emotional abuse for over 3 years, that's 3 years too many. Make the appointment, and don't worry about the cost. Just going to that first appointment will get him to talk and it will at least be a start to getting your relationship to the place it should be. If however, he still won't go, and you are unhappy and you've had enough, then you should at least be separated. In order to stay married to this man, his abusive behavior and the reasons behind it need to be dealt with, and that's the only way you'll improve your marriage.

Answer 3

The first thing you need to do is contact a trusted family member and let them know about what is happening. The second thing is take what you need and leave. Go to your family........
Don't worry about the assets, because 1/2 of everything is yours, and he will have to pay support.
File a restraining order on him once you are away. And above all else, do not even give him a hint of what you are doing. Take what money you think is half, if need be, but do it before leaving,,,,,like an hour before.
Yes he does need help, but I'm not sure if just counseling will do it. Watch your back and pray you are away,,,,,on the road to safety before he finds out.

Answer 4

The military really does try to help your husband take care of you even if he does not want to. I would first take 50% of the money out , keep it secure using only what you have to, if you do get divorced you will have to account for this, then take your children and go to a shelter. Later, you can get back to your family. Keep a notebook about things he has said and done to you. I hope you can work things out, but your safety, sanity and your children's wellbeing are the most important things.

Answer 5

In August I had to call police on my abusive husb. of 12 years.
He was rager and bully but he was on prescrip oxycontin
and morphine and rages were living hell. We have no
kids. I finally called police and was so stressed the next
day I find out his parents bailed him out and he closed
our joint checking&savings acct. leaving me without a
dime let alone a penny! So when you know he is at work
clear out bank acct and go to your nearest shelter
do research on shelters first or call police
then they will help you get some stuff back for kids and you
DO NOT worry about 'stuff' your and kids saftey is the most
important.My husband threatned me for 11 years that he
would KILL me if I left him and when I would try he
would run outside and lay under car so if I backed up
I would run him over. It was a nightmare. Now I look back
and think what the - - - - took me so damn long?
I feel FREE and happy again. No money but hey
I got my mind back. Since all accounts are both names
you can clear them out just make sure he is at work and

DO it and do not look back. I will be praying for you
I know that is now way to live. Get a restraing order on him
look at the news the most dangerous time in a woman's life
is when she is pregnant. Please be careful and LEAVE.

Answer 6

sounds like he may be going through post traumatic syndrome or mid life. Even if he won't go to counseling,you can try to things, one is report to his C.O or someone in his outfit that he has been acting very hostel lately and you are concerned with his well being but he won't Liston to you and could they check in to it for you. If he has been over sea's in this mess he may have some regrets. The service is all about taking care of ones responsibilities. Good luck.

Answer 7

My heart truly goes out to you honey I was married to an emotionally abusive husband for over 24 yrs and I tried to leave him 4 x and he would stalk me threaten me and scare me and our children, I waited until my youngest turned 18 and filed for divorce and had to leave KY and move to FL to get away from him and I am remarried and he still bothers me!! Please do not wait that long!! Leave now and watch your back, get a restraining order to protect yourself however remember paper does not stop a bullet! You need to get to get closer to family I mean move closer to your family then call the local police dept and make them aware of the situation....My prayers are with you,,, good luck,,,be safe
Karen in Fla

Answer 8

Please be careful first and take care of the kid and yourself you can only do so much you may need to call someone while he is away and get a ride to stay with freinds and family and get on medical services through the state i understand everything is covered under your husbands ins but you have no money no rights and are a prisioner in your own home please be careful trusts me it took me 6 yrs get get away from mine.Good luck

Answer 9

go to a woman's shelter.. call social services in your area.. you need help.. he's nuts..

and why would you separate for just a short time? he needs LOADS OF THERAPY ...and from what you describe, he's not apt to change.

i wonder, WHY do you clean up the mess when he throws things all over the place? i'd just leave it there. is he drinking too?

take care of you and those kids! i'm sure there is a woman's shelter near you...

Answer 10

If he is in the military you should talk to his higher up. They won't put up with that stuff and will see that he gets help. Don't leave him unless he hits you. If you leave it will just make things worse. His officers will insist that he goes to counseling. He won't have much choice if he wants any promotions.

Answer 11

Get a hold of your local domestic violence program and ask them for help-expalin everything the way you did here-they may be able to help you move away and/or keep you safe-he won't get help and he is threatening you-you must keep all of the information you get to yourself and not tell him your plan because you will be in danger.make calls from another phone so he can not check your calls-good luck be careful