I'm getting divorced and this is all very strange. Does this happen?

Question

My soon to be ex and i agreed that we just cant live together anymore. Its a 'nice' divorce, no hatred or bitterness, in fact, we still love each other, we just dont work well together anymore. But we cant seem to let each other go. we still say 'i love you' at the end of our phone conversations, we are still intimate when we see each other, we still talk about the whole soul mate thing and if we're meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other. This is so strange to me. Do people do this when they divorce? And pls dont say we might as well stay married, THAT IS NOT AN OPTION, too much damage in the marriage and a long history of it. I just want to let him go alltogether. I feel like if we stay like this, i'll never move on with anyone else, i'll always feel obligated to him. how do i let go and convince him to let go as well?

Answer 1

Separate and get counseling. Perhaps there could be a resolution.

Answer 2

Some people who have a rotten marriage, can be friendlier and happier together as friends.

Yes it can and does happen more often than most people realise.

You will always love each other - but in time that will grow comfortable and easy as good friends.

One thing you need to think about, being intimate with him can cause problems with your divorce.

You say you want to let him go altogether - OK first step is - no matter how difficult it may be - STOP sleeping with him!
That is keeping you on an emotional merry go-round.
Unless there are children involved, restrict your phone call to the bare minimum, and stop your self from saying "I love You".

These are big things in a marriage and important there - have no place between you if you are being divorced.

Try to have as little contact - in any way - wiyh him until after the divore is over and the decree nici is finalised.
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Once you are a free woman, you can do as you please, and if it still pleases you to spend time with your EX as "Friends with benefits" then that is your choice.

The bottom line is - that unless you change your behaviour patterns with him -( and I do understand how difficult that can be) you reall may as well stay married. Maybe live seperate lives in separate homes and just get together sometimes.

To be honest love - it does sound as though you may have decided to move on - but you are not yet ready to do so.

One step at a time - ease back on the phone calls, don't say I love you, No more intimacy together,- and have less visible and physical contact with each other.

Good luck

Answer 3

I think this happens way more often that we'd think...

You and your soon-to-be-ex (STBE) have a long history together and will feel love for each other always... you cannot be married to someone, end it on "friendly" terms and not feel love for each other... and good for you for ending a relationship on friendly terms.

Loving a person is not the same as being "in love" with them...

My first husband and I were married young and lasted for 8 years; however, the marriage was over after 5... and we separated after 6 and got the divorce papers two years later - no kids, fortunately. When we got the divorce papers, we took each other out to dinner. He remained my friend, and I his, for a while until he moved away. We're both remarried now, both happy with out lives, and yet I will always have a sisterly love for him, a desire for his life to turn well and a gratitude for our time and experience together... does that mean I wish we were back together? Heck, no! Do I wish to be intimate with him. Heck, no!

In time, you two will find someone else. You should stop the intimacy - that can be very confusing for you, the female!! Try and fade back a little and not see or call each other so much. Next time you have the urge to call him to let him know something, cal a friend instead...

Bottom line, you can never have enough good friends who know you as well as a STBE in life... preserve the friendship unless it interferes. In time, when you are with your new man, he may not appreciate your ties to your ex - at that time, you can fade them way down...

Answer 4

Move to another state as far away as you can arrange but at least far enough so that you don`t make weekend trips back. Talk to your ex on the phone as often as you like but don`t feel any obligation to stay at home just in case he calls. The calls will start to diminish after a few weeks and will dwindle down to zero after about a year. During this year you will have both met some one else and the fear of there not being any out there for you will have disappeared. After a year or more if by chance you run in to your ex you will be able to embrace each other and compliment each other without feeling any emotional discomfort or expectations of getting back together. You are both fortunate that there does not appear to be any hatred or hostility between you.

Answer 5

My ex husband and I did the same thing. We're like, best friends. I still call him honey and we say we love eachother - but it's like, almost out of habit. We've even had other lovers and we still do that. I'm not in love with him nor is he with me. But old habits die hard. It doesn't mean that you should stay together or worry about letting go.

At the same time, I wonder if a trial separation would be a good idea for you guys. My ex and I never talked about being soul mates; we were like brother & sister. If there's a chance, any chance, that you could make it work, try EVERYTHING to make it work out before you split. That way, you can say you tried EVERYTHING. I think Dr. Phil said that. Don't let go until you're a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y sure.

Answer 6

I've been in a similar situation. Breaking up w/my bf of 5 years because we just couldnt get along. And everytime we broke up, we'd keep talking & seeing each other. We just needed to be together every once in a while. And we seemed to get along better like that. One day I just told him, we need to stop talking completely cuz it's hurting the relationship I had with another guy. And somehow, my ex & I ended up getting engaged and things have been great since.

But like you said...it is incredibily hard to cut off the ties of someone you've been with forever and care about. You 2 are always going to love each other no matter what, you just have to put your foot down and drop all communication with him and that's the only way you'll be able to let go. Get away for a week or so if you can, that helps.

Answer 7

I believe in fate and in soul mate and this sound as you should try and make it work because if you were not meant to be you would have been moved on. I say this because before I changed my life and gave all my problems to the LORD I was in a relationship just like yours. We would break up but we would never stay away from each other. And then all things just began to change for me, I once felt I don't love this person but now today we have been married for 3 of the best years of my life but we had been together for 19 of the worst years of my life. But the power of GOD make all things possible.

Answer 8

After reading the first part of your question was going to say why don't the two of you just separate and live apart until such time you know for certain you both want a divorce.After reading the second part, if that's the way you feel, it starts with you. You need to stop the games with what's said to each other, phone calls to each other,seeing each other and being intimate. You want the best of two worlds, to be with him, and then you want to move on, it's won't work out the way it's going for the both of you, when you still want to be in the relationship..

Answer 9

You're right, if you keep on like this, talking everyday, saying I love you, yes, you might as well stay married. If the relationship is over you need to stop talking about being soulmates and finding each other again because you're not ready for that now. You should tell him it's time to let go and move on. Until you've distanced yourself from your old relationship there won't be room in your life for a new one.

Answer 10

...It sounds to me like you guys don't know what true love is. It sounds like you are using each other as a means of performing the action of living together. You would be surprised at how many people actually know what the true meaning of that word is.

...Hate to get preachie on you but the best definiton is in the Bible in 1st Corinthians 13:4 ask yourself and look up the true meanings of each word. They are simple words but are often taken for granted when applying them to everyday life.

Patience
Kind
Does not envy
Is not rude
Doesn't boast
Is not proud
Is not "SELF SEEKING" <<<<
Is not easily angered
Keeps no record of wrongs
Protects
Trusts
Always hopes and perserveres

...Weigh your situation and ask does these things apply in your relationship and then you'll know if love exists. You need to figure out what you truely want.

...Nowhere in there does it say you have to have the most exciting life to be in love.

Answer 11

Quit acting like you are still a happily married couple by sleeping together and saying "I love you" all the time. I understand that a part of you may still love him, but if you really have come to the decision to divorce you need to move in that direction, don't hurt yourself further by continuing this behavior. Good luck.