Wife doesn't love me (perhaps unable to), but wants to remain married.?

Question

I have a very difficult conundrum. My wife no longer has feelings for me, and is not interested in my needs, either physically or emotionally. We have no children, so in most circumstances, I would think that this is a slam dunk divorce case. However, several years ago, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was expected to die, but is doing very well, and has, in all likelihood, beaten it. She did have to have brain surgery, and the specific area of her brain that was impacted was her frontal lobe, which is associated with emotions. So at this point, she is essentially emotionally stunted, which is quite possibly the main reason for her lack of interest in me. She does depend on me financially, as her disease has also cost her her ability to work. I doubt she could have any kind of adult relationship with anyone else because I don't think she's capable. So her life without me would be miserable. But being with her under these circumstances is making me miserable. Thoughts?

Thanks so much for the advice. I'll try to elaborate on the situation to address your questions. She was diagnosed almost six years ago, so this is not something that just popped up. She has seen a neuropsychologist who has indicated that her deficiencies are not treatable, or only marginally treatable at best. We do communicate, although it is almost strictly one way. She is very receptive to my concerns, and understands my perspective. However, she is not inclined to actually do anything about it. She has told me that she does not love me. I've asked her what she wants from me. She wants a friend, and someone to take care of her. Our relationship is more like a (not to sound sick) father-daughter relationship than husband-wife. As for wedding vows, she hardly "loves and cherishes," so I'm not sure how the whole "in sickness and in health" thing applies. I do still love her. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered for so long. But I feel like I can only give so much.

Also, to address the sexual aspect, which I didn't have room to add in my last detail addition...My wife is not particularly interested in physical contact with me. She doesn't like intercourse, and hasn't for quite some time. It doesn't help that the treatment she was under has put her into early menopause either. We are both 37, so I think that's still an important part of a married relationship. Of course, there are lots of other things that you can do to connect physically without the actual act of intercourse. Unfortunately, while I have really tried to be creative, she is simply not interested. We don't even really kiss. I have tried to get to the bottom of these issues with her. We have a very open and honest relationship, and she is not being held back by religious beliefs or past abuse. It is simply that the interest is not there. I understand that this whole thing is not her fault. But it's certainly not my fault either. It feels like an impossible situation.

Answer 1

Has she told you that she no longer loves you? You are not one to believe in your marriage vows are you? In sickness and in Health for better or for worse for richer for pooer, till death do us apart. Is this the way you would want to be treated if your were the sick one?

Answer 2

I'm so sorry, this is a terrible situation. I am so glad I came across your question browsing someone else's profile. I have had brain surgery myself after the formation of a blood clot and a second surgery when old & fresh blood was still collecting.I was in the hosp. one full month. It was a very close call & that was 5 yrs. ago. I feel wonderful. I take seijure medication at night because that is common after brain surgery. I have no more migrain headaches. They did find that I have a tumor on the other side of my head but it has remained no problem. I have a bumpy skull but a head full of hair.~~ If I where in your position, I would research your wife's case, talk with a down to earth neurologist or neurosurgeon. Research~ I hope I won't be punished for saying this but I think your wife does not love or respect you & is using you for everything she can get. It's hard to respect a man that would allow what she's pulling on you without a bunch of facts in writting from the people who know. You must be some kind of man. I wish you would make me your contact. I'd like to keep up with this. I have 3 sons. 37,42 & 48. I would hate to think they where stuck with a problem that was dead already. I feel so sorry that you have no life. Your not dead. You need to get a divorce and get a life with a loving christian wife. You are in my prayers. I wish I could pray for you by name. Make me a contact & I will. God help you Son, you do need it.~~~~

Answer 3

Well, I think you know what has happened to her has been completely out of her control. You are a good husband to have been by her side all this time supporting her emotionally and financially. Although she's not capable of having the feelings she once did towards you because of her surgery, I believe you know that somewhere deep down inside her, she loves you very much and appreciates what you're doing for her.

This is one of those "for better or worse, in sickness and health" times in a marriage. When we get married and repeat the marriage vows, it never occurs to us that one day a situation may arise when those vows really hit home. I am truly sorry that this has happened to her, and you, but she is your wife and seeing how you've made it past the medical crisis, it would seem you can make it past this one.

Please continue to give her your love, even if she's unable to reciprocate those feelings right now for you. Seeing how far she's come since her surgery, who knows what might happen tomorrow? In time she may just start to feel emotions again, and your love for each other will be deeper and stronger for the adversity you've gone through. God bless you both!!!

Answer 4

I understand the medical "maybe" but have you asked your wife, who you seem to love and have stood by, why she may not feel "up" to the intimacy portion of your lives? She is better able to answer this question. Is she so effected that you have no communication? Or were you so affected that you think there is no hope unless someone tells you to get it elsewhere? No disrespect meant, only posing a valid question.

Are you afraid to ask for sex from your previously "damaged" wife? Have you given her a chance to respond or do you treat her or does she act like an invalid? Maybe after all of this time without contact, she is just a bit scared and uncomfortable to re-initiate the old flame. I think you both should talk and then later try a little ole fashioned love making and see where it takes you...I bet you'll both be more comfortable after relaxing, and talking about what can be... without the heavy breathing for a time.

Answer 5

This situation is very reminiscent of what happened to my Aunt and Uncle. My Uncle was hit by a drunk driver and ended up in a wheel chair and completely unable to speak or even care for himself. He was almost a vegetable. My Aunt had a very strong faith in God and took care of him for twenty years until he finally died. She is too old for another relationship now but is content with her choices and has lived a life of true devotion and love beyond the measure of what most human beings could ever endure.

I pray that God will help both of you through these difficulties. At least she can speak and is not a complete invalid. There is a possibility things could change. As far as the hormonal changes--she could always get hormone supplements that can help to increase her libbido if she is willing.

Answer 6

My opinion is you need to stay with her no matter what, she wasn't this way when you married her. She has had a major surgery, which more than likely caused all of this. You however are not being satisfied in the manner a man would like to be. I know it doesn't seem fair especially when she doesn't feel for you like she use too. You could probably have her committed and go about your life. Would that make you happy? I don't think so, turn the table and I would bet your wife would still be there for you no matter what she had to endure. God Bless you my brother.

Answer 7

First off you do have to look after yourself. You ned a relationship that satisfies your needs or you will be as stunted as she is. You cannot help her with her problem but you can help yourself. Get a divorce, restart your life. That said, she once did Love you from the sounds of it, and you Loved her, and though things are not that way anymore you should help her for the sake of that in ways that you can without compromising your own life and happiness. For instance, help her to get the financial aid she would need. You might have to support her for a year or 2 in the mean time till she gets retrained for new work, or gets aid from the government or a social agency. You will have an obligation getting divorced to split everything fairly (well not really fairly since you both will likely lose and the lawyers will milk you both for all they can). Aside from that wish her the best in leading the best life she can.

Answer 8

Wow, that's a really tough situation. I'm not sure I have an exact answer for you, but I can see reasons for you staying and reasons for you leaving.
I guess it's a lot easier for me to say than it is for you to do, but I think I'd feel like I had to stay. I mean, for better or worse, this is definitely worse but it goes along with being married.
Then again, you only go around once and I feel terribly for you that you'd have to go without love and affection for the rest of your life, possibly. I don't know, it's just a really unfortunate situation. But I guess I'd lean toward advising to you stay with your wife, as long as you still have feelings for her.

Answer 9

I am glad you have been sticking it out. I recommend that you will continue to. Maybe she will improve, this we don't know. But if you move on, you could end up much worse. I am sure you were married for a reason. And there were the vows. Maybe you can help her re-live some important moments, and maybe that would help stimulate the memory, or help create a new one. Hang in there. You won't regret it. I will pray for you both.

Answer 10

WOW. I really feel for you and your situation. How much do you know about the effects of this type of brain cancer? Is this lack of emotional development a side effect? Can it be treated? I would talk to my doctor or and see if they have any suggestions for you and your wife. There is also the possibility that her life without you may not be miserable. I know that is very harsh, but it is a possibility that is worth weighing. I would find out everything I could about the cancer and the side effect during and after treatment. That would make me feel more comfortable about the choices I need to make.

Answer 11

I agree 100% with Beth's answer. Find out what you can first about the brain cancer, etc. But my question is, do you still lover her? Everyone knows how this affected your wife, but how do you feel? You need support too. Check with a counselor or a professional who can help. I know it's easier said than done. But for the sake of saying that you tried everything, maybe you can make a better decision than yahoo answers.

Good luck