What`s better: to say or not to say to your wife that you had an affair?

Question

I don´t know what think the psychologists, the moralists or the church about this question. But I think they can`t find the answer.

Answer 1

once u tell her it can never be the same in the relationship, she will not feel loved anymore, or cherished, she won't be your princess anymore, or your baby, because u will have ripped her self worth and heart apart. don't go there, and stop doing it if u love her, telling her will serve no purpose what so ever, but to tear her world apart and ruin your marriage. instead go to Jesus and confess, and promise not to do it again, and don't forget to forgive yourself.

Answer 2

What is your objective by telling your wife? Is it to make yourself feel better by admitting to her that you had an affair? If you told your wife about your affair - how would it affect her? .. would it make her feel better?

Or .. are you wanting to be honest with your wife - and start fresh with your marriage?

What condition is your marriage in now? Does your wife suspect anything about your affair? Or .. is your wife happy right now - and not suspecting anything? These are some considerations to think about.

Sometime .. admitting an affair will make a person's spouse leave them. Sometimes the spouse will try to get past the affair and work the marriage out.

If you don't tell your wife about your affair ... then at anytime in the future - your wife could find out about the affair ... however, only you can decide if you want to take the chance.

You can tell your wife now - and face the consequences now.

OR .. you can keep quiet about the affair and not tell your wife .. and know that she could find out at any other time during your married life to her.

You might also consider her reaction. Will she stay? Will she go? Will she be willing to work the problem out with you?

The choices are yours to make. Be as kind as you can to your wife .. she will be hurt by the affair.

Answer 3

I will tell you what. If you talk to a priest and a therapist, they will most likely tell you to NOT tell her unless she asks you. They will tell you not to lie if you are asked.

Why would you want to tell her. I'm assuming you don't plan on doing this again and that you are sorry. If you tell her, her life will be completely ripped apart and then you both get to suffer.

There is no redeeming factor in telling and I am often baffled why people feel they should and need to tell their partner. It serves NO purpose. It's hurtful and self serving for you to tell her.

For some reason people feel that by coming clean the spouse will forgive and be impressed that the offender felt so bad they wanted to come clean. This is simply not true. They don't feel better. They don't feel better at all, there whole world as they know it is completely torn apart.

Good luck. I hope you don't say anything unless she specifically asks if you cheated. Then it's different. That's when no more lies comes in to the picture.

Answer 4

I think this is a very interesting question and a tough one too. I think you have to try to balance things out. I am going to assume that you are planning on not doing it again. If that's the case then maybe the best thing could be not to tell her because you are going to hurt her and she might lose trust in you. Why even bother to make things more complicated and risk the relationship when you know you're not going to do it again. But if there is any slight chance that she could find out then you should tell her, because it's better if she sees that you're honest, it would hurt me a lot more if I found out in some other way other then my bf or husband telling me. It's kind of hard because I put myself in her position and it sucks because you're hiding something from her, but if she doesn't find out then it really won't hurt her. You decide, think about the chances of her finding out somewhere else because that would probably ruin your relationship for sure.

Answer 5

Tony, it is always better to come clean and tell the truth. If not, it will come out and perhaps, at a time when it will cause much grief. If your wife is your life's partner and you want it to stay that way, then I would ask you to go to God about this and let Him guide you.

I see you have little trust in "churches, psychologists and Christians." I am not telling you to go to church. I am telling you to pray to God with all your heart. If anyone can make this simpler, it is God! I will say this though, if your heart is truly, non-repentive, about this affair...I do not think God will honor the prayer. So, my question to you is, are you truly sorrowful? Do you truly realize what your actions can do to your family and others? If so, I would ask that you walk away from the affair, ask for God's forgiveness and let Him guide you with the truth and healing which must come.

I want you to know that I am praying for you and your situation. That your heart turns towards God for the correct way to right a wrong. God will hear our prayers and you will walk in truth and in love...if only you come clean with God and your wife!

Praying for your family!
Gail

Answer 6

If it was once, and you are TRULY SORRY and will NEVER DO IT AGAIN, then you don't need to rip your spouse or your family to hell over one slip. If it's a symptom of a larger problem, and you are not in love with your spouse anymore then you need to end the marriage. But trust me, even if you hide it---she will find out eventually and then you will really be in a world of doo doo. Know that you most likely will not be forgiven, and that woman that stood by you through thick and thin will no longer trust you. One would ask why you did it in the first place?

Answer 7

if i were your wife,i'd rather you tell me the truth no matter how painful it would be.rmmber the song? "i'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you w/ a lie".with or w/o you telling her,you already hurt her feelings by having an affair w/ another woman.why hurt her some more by lying?she'll find out anyway!and you just have to be man enough to face/accept the consequence of your mideeds.if she loves you she'll understand and forgive you.but the trust that she bestowed upon you is already turnished and you would have to work on it. best of luck!

Answer 8

you need to tell your wife! At some point she will find out. when she does it will be that much harder on both of you. I know this from my own experience.I gave my wife the chance to tell me before I had the proof. Finding the proof was very painful and wish I wound never had to read the detailed e-mail between them! Be a man and tell her what you have done to her and your family!

Answer 9

If your spouse ever ask you whether you have ever cheated on her, you would better be honest and tell her the truth and promise to never do it again and beg for her forgiveness. If she ask and you lie to her, and she eventually finds out, she will never trust you again because you not only made a big mistake but you also lied to her.
I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, I asked him several times and gave him a chance to confess but he lalways denied everything. I later found out that he was busy cheating on me. I have filed for divorce and I will NEVER EVER TRUST HIM AGAIN.
But if you are sure that she has no chances of ever finding out and you really want to stay with her and be faithfull, then don't tell her because there IS NOTHING THAT HURTS MORE THAN A CHEATING HUSBAND. Believe me, I'm going through it now.

Answer 10

What you have done is bad. To not tell will be worse. If she finds out from the other, then there is really going to be a problem.
I will pray that God will give you wisdom in this.

Answer 11

well, do you plan on doing it again? IF SO, then I'd just leave the marriage and not mention it.
IF you have NO intention of ever doing it again, do you even have to tell her, or is your subcontious pushing you to reveal that your a low life pig?
Hope she loves you enough to listen to your reasons. And hope and not only hope, but work your butt off for forgivness.