How do you reach a mutual balance in marriage..what woudl you do?

Question

So I have been happily married for a little over 3 yrs now. Recently have noticed my wife being very short, if not curt with me. She is often very negative and very critical of what I say and do. If I ask her to not be so harsh, she tells me I'm too soft (wimp). I ENJOY BEING NICE TO PEOPLE. At work I am confident, direct, and assertive. I try not to be this way at home as I do not want to dominate my wife, rather I want her to get what she wants and be happy. So she tells me I am not dominant enough and she doesn't find me as attractive because of that. She says you need to stand up for what you believe". So I start to be more assertive with her and it only leads to fights. She can be totally wrong, but will never admit it. Some folks have told me just always agree with her. Don't disagree, don't make waves. I understand why, but then I feel fake and feel like I am being passive. What to do? BTW- I’m 30, she’s 27.

Powerful stuff - thanks Folks!

Some of you really openned up and gave some (what I think is) good advice.

Thank you.

I should mention tooo that I put the move son her way more than she ever wants. It's seems like the only time she does that to me is when i am absolutely not in the mood (due to work, or something stressful).

And no, she does not want kids...

Answer 1

for starters, continue to treat her well, don't get short with her. that won't help :-)

find out what sort of things bother her, go away and think about them and start putting some plans into action. don't try and change to fast, but just do some little things differently.

in all things, love her and let her know she's the only one. all the best!

Answer 2

I'm no psychiatrist, but I do have some experience in what you are talking about.

IMHO, people often have two different personas in their life - 1 for work and 1 for home. I was very good at my job and my work employers and employees knew it. I was confident, I was dominant (not ruthlessly dominant) but people looked up to me. A natural leader.

I'm a person of balance so to balance my work persona out I became the opposite at home. I didn't choose this for myself..I just kind of evolved into this persona. I was unsure, self conscious and quite malleable by other people's words. This had a bad effect on my relationship with my long-time girlfriend even though she didn't make me feel bad and tell me I'm soft. I knew I was but I just couldn't be the leader that she would be better off with. I felt like I needed her and that I wouldn't be OK without her. I held myself captive. Me, not her.

The day my life changed was the day my two personas merged together and I 'grew up.' I had the balance that I needed but more importantly, I felt whole. It was the day I left her and ventured out on my own.

This might be harsh, but you need to 'grow up' in only the way that you will know. 'Something' is holding you back and it is that same 'something' that your wife is holding against you. She defines that 'something' as being soft although that might not really be the best way to define 'it.' I hope you find the problem and it gets fixed. Mine took years to fix.

If you are a Godly man, it sure doesn't hurt to pray for assistance either.

Peace.

Answer 3

It sounds like she is bored in the marriage she wants you to take charge be more spontaneous. It sounds to me that she thinks you a little softy and she wants a macho man that can take charge. I do not mean that you need to be a jerk but just be respondant to her if she is all hot and bothered next time maybe just grab her and give her a big smooch that may make her feel turned on. Maybe she is just wantng you to be more confident about yourself at home how did you act around when you courted her maybe she misses the old you.

Could possibly be that she wants a child?.
Talk and then talk some more do not fight with her tell her that you want to have a rational conversation and find out what is wrong before your talking to lawyers about divorce.


God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 4

If she's been acting like this just for the past few days, she could just be PMSing...but if she continues to be this way, I'd say always keep it real with her. She married you for a reason, and sometimes we hope our spouses will change, they do...then things don't seem to get better. Stay the person you are...sounds like you are a great catch...and we don't realize 'til it's too late...Continue to be who you are (as long as you are not hurting her)
I know I get in 'pissy' moods and I thank God my hubby understands it's that time of the month. I can be real moody, say mean things to him and really not mean it (I always ask for forgiveness - am working on not doing this to him)...keep talking to her about how you feel - Communication keeps the marriage strong, even if you're not agreeing....
On the negative side...it's possible she's met someone who is the way she's telling you she wants you to be. Don't change (again, as long as you're not deeply hurting her), she'll realize the grass isn't greener - hopefully - and that she'll always love you just the way you are... =)

Answer 5

alright she is trying to take the leader position. Shes not looking for you to be an ***, she just wants you to be more aggressive. Theres nothing wrong with having arguements, and if your right make sure she knows whats up. Next time she starts her crap and you know your right then fight for what you believe is right and while she is being a witch, molest her. I'm serious as heck, let her fight and yell and do what you want with her. choke her a little and pin her down, call the shots and not only will you show her that YOU are the man around the house, but she needs to keep her mouth shut. and you will have the best sex ever.

Answer 6

She is dumb that is all I can say I wish my husband was more like you he is so possesive and well anyway the man your wife wants but she just wants someone to give her some of that tlc and to beat her up when she fights don't argue get something and go outside when you do not want to be with her. Leave for some hours and when you come back ask her have you calmed down and if this does nto work then tell her I do not come home to argue I want to rest and feel good. Please just shut up I know this is harsh but come on let her give you some slack. Silent treatment is good to that is what I do because I am like this to I am you and my hubby is your wife.

Answer 7

It sounds like your wife expects you to respect her wishes and feelings but does not grant you the same back in return.

I have reached a mutual balance in my marriage, by giving my husband the respect of listening to his side of things, even if I think it is wrong or I don't agree, giving him my support even if I don't agree.

I don't think you need to be more assertive with her, you just need to talk to her, find out why she is being short/curt with you, ask her why she is being so critical. Standing up for what you believe does not mean being assertive or fighting, it means being passionate.

Communication and support are the keys to all good marriages.. don't get me wrong, I do have fights with my husband - I think that is healthy.

Perhaps when she is saying that you are not dominant enough she doesn't mean literally (that you need to be assertive with her) but more in a physical/sexual way..

Talk to your wife, find out what is bothering her, work it through together - Marriages are hard work for both partners. Good luck.. I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 8

There are times in a marriage where no matter what you do, you're going to make the other person unhappy. It's just the way things happen, especially when you've been married for just a few years. This is the time when you're both finding out what you're all about.

If she gets upset with you when you stand up for yourself, does she still find you more attractive? I'd find that out if I were you. Also, what's your goal in the relationship--to make her feel good about herself, to make her think that she's won fights, or to be attractive in her eyes? You'll want to figure that out in order to best determine what your next course of action will be.

I know--in a perfect world, you'd be everything to her and she'd be everything to you. Unfortunately, though, this is not the perfect world and you just need to figure out what you'd want out of this relationship.

Answer 9

I used to do this very thing to my husband.
I was way too selfish and needy about everything.
No matter what he did, It didn't matter.
My point is....
Do not agree with her, tell her your only objective is to make her happy and if she doesn't like it, then you will just have to show her you mean business...
For instance...Don't react when she throws a temper tantrum,
she will eventually ,if she is any person at all go calm down in the room and realize that she is acting irrationally and childish.
When I threw these fits, My husband just held me until they were over...
Long story short... We have the best relationship ever now because, I realized that our marriage was not just about me.

Answer 10

I find that really nice that your soft when its comes to your wife. Since she wants you to be more dominant then maybe you should. You say when you do, it turns into fighting but thats what happens. Your wife will defend herself but she also wants you to defend youself too. She wants to know when you two argue she'll know that you won't stay shut. She already has in her head that your a punk so you shoudn't let her walk all over you.